Birthdays and other people's mood

[MedusasBadHairDay]

I just need some perspective on this.

It was my birthday yesterday, I had the day off work and the plan was to have a quiet stress free day, just watching films and doing some crafts. Kids were at school, DH at work.

For whatever reason DH woke up in a mood that morning, and was clearly unhappy at working. So within an hour of him starting work he was texting me to tell me how stressed and unhappy he was. He then phoned to tell me the same. Interrupting my film/ crafts. I got another phone call later and several more texts.

When he got home he was still in a mood, he ended up telling the DC to go play outside to give him space and then we sat in awkward silence.

He perked up eventually, but by 10pm he was back to being grumpy.

We ended up having a argument as he asked if I'd had a good day, and I couldn't honestly answer yes. It was impossible to feel upbeat with him constantly telling me how unhappy he was.

His argument was that he couldn't help how he felt.

So was I BU to have find it frustrating and upsetting?

To avoid drip feeding, it is often the case that my role is to try and keep things upbeat, which gets tiring.

It’s quite a weird thing to do, spoil someone else’s birthday. Was it a one off or does he often spoil things for you?

I’d be tempted to tell him that he spoiled the day for you and therefore you are going to take another day on which you don’t have to hear a peep from him.

@CruCru

It’s quite a weird thing to do, spoil someone else’s birthday. Was it a one off or does he often spoil things for you?

I’d be tempted to tell him that he spoiled the day for you and therefore you are going to take another day on which you don’t have to hear a peep from him.

No, it's not normal for him to spoil things for me. Not deliberately anyway.

But he's not very good at moderating his mood, he's the type who if you ask him how he is will answer with the truth. He can't understand why some people might put on a front and pretend they are fine when they aren't, whereas I've always felt like my moods are for me to deal with and shouldn't be imposed on other people.

It's partially how we've been brought up, his mum is like him, but also I spent years and years in customer service roles - so I'm very practised in putting on a smile even if I don't feel like it inside.

Yanbu. Your birthday is one day a year out of 365. It wouldn't have hurt him to put on a smile for the time he was with you and keep his grumpy work mood for work.
Have another day just for you, an Unbirthday. Go somewhere nice and keep your phone on silent.
Maybe dont take dh.

It’s not your role to be happy when you’re not

He should have shaken it off and made sure you had a good birthday, he sounds like a knob tbh

You absolutely have to take another day. On the low down. If he doesn't know he can't spoil it again.

Please tell us what your plans will be for your new day. I'm living for other peoples nice plans and ideas these days!

His argument was that he couldn't help how he felt.

This is an argument I see used by a lot of MNers when they don’t like the responses to their post (obviously I don’t mean you, OP!) While it might true that he, and others, ‘can’t help it’, they CAN control the way they respond. In this case, he could have controlled his response by not sending you messages telling you how fed up he was. Why did he need to bring you down too? Why not just get on with it for one day? Unless there had been a disaster or an emergency, he really didn’t need to be phoning or texting.

He sounds jealous you had a day off.