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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not know how to end this?

14 replies

Usedtobeme123 · 22/04/2021 09:49

This was going to be a long explanation but realised it doesn't need to be.

I don't want to be with DP anymore. He does nothing around the house, gaslights me constantly so nothing is his fault, and moans that I have stopped giving him so much love and attention.

I am tired of having to look after this man-child and getting nothing in return. I have my own children to look after.

House tenancy is in my name only. I will be better off financially without him. But I haven't done this before...how do I end it? How do I even start that conversation?

We had a massive row a few weeks ago where I gave him some home truths. He sulked for a couple of days and then decided I was worth being nice to (not surprised I do everything, and I mean everything, in the house if I ask him to do anything he moans or expects praise for doing it) so didn't even get the opportunity there!

Help and advice needed please!

OP posts:

thighsofrelish · 22/04/2021 09:57

You say, hey DP we need to talk. Then you sit him down and say that you don't want a relationship with him anymore, you can give the reasons if you want to, it's nice to have an explanation but don't let him change your mind.

Original poster

Usedtobeme123 · 22/04/2021 10:02

@thighsofrelish

Is it really that easy and simple? The thought makes me so anxious!

OP posts:

SympathyFatigue · 22/04/2021 10:03

How long have you been together?
It doesn't really matter but I'm just thinking of the shit he'll pull.
If it's fairly new it'll be hopefully easier. If it's longer than 3 years he's gonna start the love bombing and pleading and you might be tempted to carry on because of the shared history/misery.
Some men refuse to leave.
Just say what you've said here. Say it's not a debate, it can't be worked on and you do not want to be with him. Don't be drawn into whether you love him or not, whether the kids will miss him or any other bull shit.

Factual.
This isn't working.
You need to leave.
You have 1 week.

thighsofrelish · 22/04/2021 10:04

Probably not! I haven't done it for twenty years and when I did I chickened out and said we were just having a break but had no intention of getting back with him. I'm just bumping so someone else can help you out really

Original poster

Usedtobeme123 · 22/04/2021 10:11

@thighsofrelish

yes last time I did this it was after an argument and I didn't back down...this time I may actually have to fight the fear of confrontation and do it anyway!

OP posts:

Original poster

Usedtobeme123 · 22/04/2021 10:15

@SympathyFatigue

How long have you been together? It doesn't really matter but I'm just thinking of the shit he'll pull. If it's fairly new it'll be hopefully easier. If it's longer than 3 years he's gonna start the love bombing and pleading and you might be tempted to carry on because of the shared history/misery. Some men refuse to leave. Just say what you've said here. Say it's not a debate, it can't be worked on and you do not want to be with him. Don't be drawn into whether you love him or not, whether the kids will miss him or any other bull shit.

Factual.
This isn't working.
You need to leave.
You have 1 week.

Nearly 10 years so it has been some time. I loved him so much for years and put up with it...it was beginning of last year when he was really nasty to me about me that the wool was pulled from my eyes. Lockdown then happened I was working 14 to 16 hours a day and he wasn't working at all, I was still doing everything.

When I get the courage to do it I won't back down, I know that. It's just the starting it I am so scared of. I don't like hurting anyone even when they have been so uncaring to me.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 22/04/2021 10:17

Sit down with him and tell him you want to talk, that it’s not working and he needs to leave. Don’t back down, don’t negotiate

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 22/04/2021 10:36

@thighsofrelish nailed it. It doesn’t need to be long and drawn out. You don’t even need to offer explanations if you’re unhappy, you’re unhappy and don’t want the relationship anymore. It’s normal it’s giving you some anxious feelings because it’s not a nice conversation and you know he will be upset etc.

The only thing to think about is will he get angry / violent? May be worth having a friend upstairs or in a car outside if so.

Original poster

Usedtobeme123 · 22/04/2021 10:39

[quote MikeWozniaksGloriousTache]@thighsofrelish nailed it. It doesn’t need to be long and drawn out. You don’t even need to offer explanations if you’re unhappy, you’re unhappy and don’t want the relationship anymore. It’s normal it’s giving you some anxious feelings because it’s not a nice conversation and you know he will be upset etc.

The only thing to think about is will he get angry / violent? May be worth having a friend upstairs or in a car outside if so.[/quote]
It really is that simple at the end of the day isn't it? I am unhappy and I know there is no solution as I have asked many times for one and nothing has changed.

He won't be violent, though he may be angry but I can deal with that. It's funny I know I can deal with everything once I've said it, it's just the saying it I can't do!

OP posts:

Fieldsoftripe9 · 22/04/2021 10:41

Get on and do it OP, you'll be so much happier when it's done and can start living your life again. Shocking you were doing such long hours and he did absolutely nothing.

Outbutnotoutout · 22/04/2021 10:47

After 29yrs of marriage I literally said.

I'm not happy, you're not happy, it can't be fixed, we need to divorce.

And then it was done

Dipi79 · 22/04/2021 10:55

You've let this prick take 10 years of your life. You say you have children. Just think of the impact this relationship has had on them. Use this to motivate you to get him the fuck out of your house and lives.

Dogfan · 22/04/2021 13:48

It sounds like the relationship is emotionally abusive. As someone who divorced an abusive husband last year it is very difficult to leave as you are conditioned to work hard to make the relationship work and keep them happy. I would suggest maybe getting a therapist to speak to who can help you understand if you do want to leave and what you might need to think about if you do decide to end the relationship. If you do leave make sure you get everything in order first e.g. you have all your documents and financial information, passports and you are protecting yourself. If there is a chance he will react badly you can't take any chances that he might be manipulative or spiteful once you've had the discussion. I also had a friend standing by on the day in case I needed to call them for support. Good luck.x

Original poster

Usedtobeme123 · 22/04/2021 14:03

Thank you all for your responses.

Yes I believe I am in an abusive relationship but having escaped dv before I think I was so relieved that it wasn't violent that I didn't see how damaging emotionally it could be.

I have everything in place ready to do. All my documents are separate from his, everything I need to be in my name now is. There is nothing tying him here financially he can just go. That in itself is such a feeling of relief!

A therapist sounds like a good idea, thank you. I just need to be able to say it!

OP posts:

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