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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overthinking or jealousy.

15 replies

Circleconfused1234 · 21/04/2021 23:27

I am not too sure if I am overthinking this or right to be annoyed or it’s stirred up feelings I ne Ed knew I had.

My ex and myself stayed friends. Texted weekly and met up for coffee maybe once a month. This pattern maintained during covid. We both had partners but became single around Xmas.

From then we ended up bubbling together as the rest of out friends had bubbled with others. During January lockdown we would met few times a week, him popping to mine (live 25 miles away, but he works in my area) and texting many times daily. We seemed to have fallen into dating pattern without intimacy. We stayed over and shared a bed, as we only live in one bed flats.

March he had a life event happen and ended up off work sick we it’s depression and out in meds. He came to mine lots, never to his as he said he wanted out of his house. Constant texts. It was as if I was his emotional crutch. Happy to help as that’s what friends do.

6 weeks later, he only sees me once a week on my day off, or unless he is visiting my town. Previous he would of been at mine everyday. Fair dues he was struggling, but he is my bubble, we signed up to be company. We still stay over share a bed as it’s nice to have Human contact and hugs. There is no intimacy. Both not interested.

Now lockdown has reduced, he is seeing friends more and Me less. Understand that this will happen as I am seeing friends more, but he is never free, except on my day off now or doesn’t want to do the round trip. Previously he wouldn’t of minded it. I have offered to come to his, but always tired now. Said his made make him tired in the evening - joked I made him stay up late one night a week. It’s as if he is now off work for a few months he has made a rota.

I asked him if he wanted to stay over the other night as normal routine, so we could get up early and go somewhere. He responded see how I feel. He has said as he is off work he needs to get out to see people and keep himself busy. I work mostly at home in a very busy job with long hours.

He said was meeting up the day before with a female friend for food abs may be too tired in the evening, But will come to mine early next day on my day off as planned. Said will see as his meds have given him insomnia and he doesn’t want to wake me up.

For some reason I have become jealous of this girl. I know they were set up on a blind date years ago and it went nowhere. He told me. They have friends in common. But it’s really annoyed me. He was open about her. I joked and said enjoy your date. He replied it’s not a date. We did that and now friends.

On Sunday he said he was bored. I had plans with friends daytime and said he could come round in the evening. He said he didn’t fancy the drive. But then texted me later to say he was in his male friends garden which was 15 mins drive from me. Could see his friend but not me. He said don’t worry I will see you as usual on your day off.

So wise MN. Why am I jealous? Why are we still sharing a bed for spooning snd hugs? Why am I upset he might not be staying over.? Am I getting faded out? I really don’t want a relationship with him, but enjoy his company amd the human contact.

Do I just leave it or continue. When one of us meets someone the sleep overs will stop. I am on dating apps, he always asks about my matches. he is not as he says his depression and life event means he is not interested.

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 21/04/2021 23:31

When one of us meets someone the sleep overs will stop

You’re never going to meet someone while he is taking up this space in your life. If you want to meet someone you need to hold the vacancy for intimacy and bonding.

And whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, I think you do have feelings for him and that’s why it’s bothering you.

Singlenotsingle · 21/04/2021 23:42

There's something going on in his life that is more important to him than seeing you. It's probably early days atm and maybe he doesn't know what he wants. I think sometimes the friendship thing can get blurred and people get confused. If this girl is becoming his gf (yes, I know you said she isn't (yet)). You're the longstanding friend but to a certain extent it's a convenience thing for both of you. It's nice to have company but maybe this new girl is more important. If she doesn't like the set-up where he's sharing a bed with you, it will have to stop.

Circleconfused1234 · 21/04/2021 23:48

@Singlenotsingle he said they are only friends and he is meeting her for lunch and a walk. He sees her monthly. He stressed they are only friends.

Appreciate he is going through a big thing, at the started needed support, now he says he just needs to be busy to keep distracted. Said he can’t keep disturbing me at work.

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Circleconfused1234 · 21/04/2021 23:50

@QueenOfPain I can’t explain the jealously. He met up with her when we were going out snd it didn’t bother me. Now it does. He has said it’s not romantic with her, whilst asking about my dating.

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Trixie78 · 21/04/2021 23:55

This isn't a healthy relationship. I think you need to distance yourself and move on. This isn't doing either of you any good (you're not even getting laid out of it). You won't meet someone else until he's out of your life.

CorianderBee · 22/04/2021 07:57

Babe, because he's using you until something better (in his eyes) comes along.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 22/04/2021 08:27

It’s not just this girl is it? As you mentioned he went to a male friends garden who lives near you and that upset you enough to comment on it.

You’re jealous because you want to spend your time with him, I would guess there are underlying feelings whether you admit it or know it.

He needed you during a hard time but isn’t making the effort now, this says a lot about how he values you. Or he feels under pressure by you, it seems like a very co-dependant relationship and you seem quite desperate to see him. This isn’t about “human contact” unless you’re contacting other friend to meet up as much and come to yours etc.

I think you need to step back, build yourself up and stop depending on him for socialisation. It’s not a healthy relationship.

Chickenlickeninthepot · 22/04/2021 08:32

He was using you. He's not interested, you need to get over him.

Aprilx · 22/04/2021 08:35

You need to step away from this, it is not healthy for you. I think he has realised it was not healthy for him either and is looking to widen his social circle. He is doing exactly as you should be doing.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 08:37

Because you sense you’re loosing him and you want him there.

BigusBumus · 22/04/2021 08:37

If he wanted to see you, he would. People don't make excuses like being tired etc if they really want to do something or see someone.

It's a shame for you as you've become very dependant on this quasi-relationship whilst he is letting go. But I think you need to look hard at it and realise you need to move on with your life now that lockdown is easing, as he is already.

Circleconfused1234 · 22/04/2021 09:38

Thanks. It was me at the beginning setting boundaries. Him always turning up. Then it came routine.

I do see other friends snd don’t prioritise him over others. Just miss him I suppose as he was there so often. Now not. We have no mutual friends in common.

He did say he was helping his other friends

OP posts:
Dogfan · 22/04/2021 14:05

I agree with everything everyone has said. He is clearly not treating you very well and you obviously want more from him than he is willing to give (even if that is just more regular friendly meet ups!). We are coming out of covid now and soon you won't need a bubble at all. I would ditch him and focus on spending time with your real friends, not someone who just wants to use you when it suits them. Be strong and cut him loose!

Circleconfused1234 · 22/04/2021 14:54

It’s hard as I want to support him amd not ditch him through this. He texted to see if I was in but said he can’t come round as I am working. Offered something tonight. But he says no as he only slept a few hours, but will be round to mine early tomorrow as planned

OP posts:
Dogfan · 22/04/2021 15:09

I think he knows you care for him and is therefore taking advantage of your kindness and you wanting to be there for him. Ultimately what are you getting out of this relationship? I know it's hard when you're a kind person but his mental health is not your responsibility. You've done a lot to support him but friendships / relationships go both ways. If you really feel like you can't ditch him maybe just try taking a back seat. See how often he contacts you with a date to meet or location that suits you. He needs to start making some effort IMO.

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