Sahm - it's lonely sometimes!

[Danidandan]

Hi everyone. Not sure I've posted this under the right topic or if there's any real reason to this I just wanted to rant I guess.
AIBU for just wanting some adult time on my own?
I have a 6 month old DD who I absolutely adore. She is my whole world and I love every fibre of her. After a long battle with a rare form of cancer, and life long complications because of this, DH and I went through IVF to have her. She's my miracle and I wouldn't change her for the world.

I just feel sad. I've never had any kind of mental illness and I'm pretty thick skinned and nothing really phases me. I just feel a bit lonely. DH works 5 days a week, he's the main breadwinner. I used to work full time, on a good wage and had a respectable job. I haven't worked full time since my cancer diagnosis in 2017. Then I got pregnant this time last year, worked 2 days a week. Then took maternity leave earlier than I wanted due to complications in pregnancy. I just miss interacting with people. I feel awful as all I've ever wanted was to be a mum. I love it SO much and I'm so proud of us. But it gets so lonely! I don't have enough money to do many things apart from the same walk along the same route everyday. I'm 26 and most of my friends haven't had babies yet so everyone is at work. I feel like I'm annoying my friends as it's mostly me messaging first.

DH is also my world. But he goes to the gym everyday, he gets an hour where he can just switch off. Not think about the next bottle or next nappy change. DD is teething at the moment and suffering bless her. It's savage.

I just feel a bit trapped! I have a lot of "friends" but don't ever see anybody. DH has been to the pub a few times with his friends since lockdown eased. I just feel so jealous! What I would do to go for a brunch with my friends. Go for a coffee and have some adult time. I just feel a bit stuck. I've just felt like ever since having a baby I've become so distant with my friends. I don't always have time to text first, or try and make plans first. DH said I should cut them off if they don't make an effort. But if I do that, I won't have any friends? :( it's so true. You stop getting invited places when you have a baby. But I'm such a social butterfly I'm just not used to this lonely part of my life.

I have my parents and 2 brothers. They're teens and busy doing their own things. I see my parents a couple of times a week.
I guess I'm just craving some decent adult time. Or an hour at the gym with my headphones in and to shut the world off for a while. It just seems impossible at the moment as any free time we have, DH goes out, sees his friends or goes to the gym.

Loneliness is savage sometimes! Thank you for reading, not sure really what I'm trying to get out of this.
DH is currently at the gym, DD is in her bouncer watching peppa pig and I'm having a cry into my cup of tea

I was a SAHM for 6 years. Also a social butterfly. Also felt very lonely.

But your dd is 6 months not 6 weeks. Why can't your husband have her whilst YOU go to the gym, meet a mate for a drink in a pub beer garden or have a solo trip to the shops/a café?

Keep trying with your friends. Organise a drink soon, you'll feel so much better once you've seen them. Promise.

I’m a SAHM to my 2.5 year old and 9 month old, I also have older DC in primary school. DH works 5 days a week like your DH so similar situation. I also feel lonely, none of my friends have children either. I used to go to baby/toddler groups pre-covid which filled a few hours during the week and provided some human interaction but they’re either not running or are all booked up for months. It’s pretty miserable so I feel your pain. My life is honestly cleaning, cooking, breastfeeding, changing nappies, playing with baby and toddler, nap times, bed time, bath time, homework, reading, school run and that’s about it. It feels quite soulless and empty.

The problem is your DH! Why is he spending so much time at the gym or seeing friends or going to the pub? Where is your time off to do these things? This sounds very one sided and like he’s carrying on without a care in the world.

Why is he telling you to cut your friends off? That’s quite worrying. You sound quite isolated. You should be a team. Your DH sounds extremely selfish.

You need to have time to yourself too. Why does DH get time but not you?
I’d think about a part time role at the very least to get some interaction with adults or even use a nursery place one day a week to get you some time to pursue your interests.

The problem isn't the baby here, the problem is your partner, he should encourage you to go out, gym, whatever. Even if you did a late evening supermarket shop when he gets home just go get out the house helps.
Have a serious chat with him and tell him he's selfish and things needs to change.

There is nothing wrong with wanting some adult time; even if you have chosen not to do that for work, it doesn’t mean you sacrifice everything.

However, you do have something wrong with your DH. Equal leisure time is what you aim for.

Hi!
Firstly, I’m so sorry for what you have been through! And now you have your lovely LO! It’s amazing.

I understand how your feeling, it’s really hard. I tend to find friends to drift once a baby comes along, well mine have aswell can’t speak for all. But it does hurt. After afew months of feeling shit I changed my outlook on it that I have this little person (mines also IVF) who is mine forever, my very own little best friend who is all that matters in my life.

Afew ideas;
Would your DH compromise and give you some time on your own?
Put LO into nursery, even 1-2 days a week
Would your parents mind her for a couple of hours?
Is a part time job no good due to your complications?

Op I just wanted to say you're not alone. I feel exactly the same way. I think it's lockdown and also the fact that having a baby changes your friendships and relationship dynamic. It's not been possible to go out to groups etc and make new friends. Partners can go on as they were before really but with lockdown lifting I feel a little lost like you. I'm planning on putting myself out there a bit and making some time to meet new friends... I will be passing our little girl to my husband on these days!

I think all new Mums feel like you do now. Sorry that's not practical advice, but just to say you're not alone by any means.

Thank you everyone for your swift replies. DH is really really good to me, and to DD, I think because he's not here during the day he doesn't see it's not just about looking after the baby. It's the housework, cleaning, food shop, dinner on the table and everything else. I don't think he realises how hard it is. We are a good team and he does help with DD, but it's quite obvious from your responses that I need to sit down and tell him how I'm feeling. (Thank you).

Before he went to the gym (about an hour ago) he said 'well why don't you go out tonight and see your friends?'
It was 7pm, i have dinner to do amongst other duties. I don't have a 'lads' group chat and can just pop to the pub at the drop of a hat. We can't go into peoples houses yet so I'm going to struggle trying to make plans at 7pm on a Wednesday night

I have booked for us to go for dinner on Friday night and my mum is watching DD for me. So I know that will make me feel a lot better to be able to get dressed up and have a couple of glasses of wine.

I have enquired about going back to work part time, but due to my medical conditions (understandably) they won't let me back to the office. I'm not shielding and have had my vaccine, but if I went back to work it's because I want the interaction of being back in the office again. Speaking to adults and having adult conversations.

I'm going to have a long chat with DH tonight, and tell him that I need adult time too. It doesn't mean going to the pub to get drunk. Just meeting a girlfriend for a coffee. Going for a picnic. Anything to get me out of the house as I'm going a bit crazy!

Thank you for all your responses. You're all very kind.

I have found life long friends at baby groups. You sound amazing and I have no doubt you will find your people there! Things will be opening and opportunities presenting left, right and centre.

But don't forget your existing friends. They probably think you are too busy with a baby to bother with them. Put yourself out there. Message them all and say "looking for some baby free time! Walks, drinks, coffee - I'm in!" Get it arranged!!! Which brings me to my final point. DP needs to be stepping up. Oh he is living the life.... Well he needs to prioritise you in getting you back.

Why aren't you going out to the gym/socialising?

I felt exactly the same and returned to work early to save my sanity when DS was 9 months old. I need adult interaction.

Can i join you in your cuppa cry. I’m at home all week with DS. Baby groups are all full up. Friends work full time.
DH is great when he gets in but i can’t go out then as DS needs a feed and will not take a bottle.
Weekends are spent juggling kids activities for the older two and friends like to spend the weekends with their husbands or have older kids so doing footy/dance/everything else.

I am desperate to meet mums of babies so they can relate to the lack of sleep, teething etc but i don’t know how else to meet them if i can’t get in to groups. Its lonely.

@Wizzbangfizz

All my friends work full time. The couple that have babies live miles away. It's hard to socialise when I don't get a minute to myself as I'm always home doing all the things a sahm needs to do.

Gym - I'm trying to find one that I can afford. I'm on maternity pay and I don't have a lot of money left over. I'm trying to find one that I can afford.

@Clementine8 first of all sending you a huge hug. Come and sit on my sofa and we can have a cry into our teas together and have a moan it's lonely ain't it. We've got this!

@PinkCookie11

Congratulations on your little IVF miracle! You're so right. I often think like that. This little being is my best friend and no matter what, I'll always have her. Sending so much love

Thank you everybody for your kind replies. I feel a lot better knowing I'm not the only one!

I'm going to say to DH tomorrow when he gets in from work. I'm going for a run. Going to clear my head and stick my headphones in and forget about everything for an hour.

I will keep making efforts with my friends. I dont think it's malicious, they probably just think I'm either too busy with DD, or too poorly or whatnot.

I know this will pass through time. I'm going to look into some baby groups to join for sure! I've never been to one before so I think that'll be a really good idea. :)

Thank you everybody for being so kind.
Aims for this week:

Go for a run on my own
Go for dinner with DH
Tell him how I'm feeling; and we both need down time. Not just him.
And try and get some plans made with my friends.

Thank you all so much xx

I’m a SAHM too with a 6yo although currently looking to go back to work.

You really need to have a serious talk with your DH because right now he is taking the p*. Going off to the gym daily and out with his mates regularly and you get no leisure time for just you? And telling you to dump your friends too is bizarre.

Why is he not paying towards your gym membership? Why do you say you don’t have much money to go out and do stuff - do you not have joint finances? He can spend money out with his mates but you have to watch your ££? I’d seriously be looking for at least part-time work and as things open up make the effort to attend baby groups, Rhyme Time at the library etc.

That sounds like a fantastic plan! I'm excited for you

A good cry, some support from some other women who have been there, and an action plan. Amazing!

P.s local baby groups were a lifeline to me when I became a mum a decade ago. Made lifelong local friends who support each other through the same stages at the same time. I really hope you find the same

Op I found being sahm incredibly hard and lonely.. Even without covid and plenty of classes or toddler groups to go too.
It's hard and grueling at times esp when they can't talk to you or interact yet.
I can't imagine how much harder it's been due to covid .
And winter!! Winter is hard with small dc.. Hopefully things will ease for you really soon.. And if soft plays open, people hate them on here but it was my sanity with teeny ones and often place to chat..
Toddler groups in church halls... Little classes and just the park.. When she can move unaided will all be places to chat.

It was a privilege but I'm so happy to working again!
Hang in there op!!

OP it is lonely. Make sure you prioritise yourself best you can. Your DH does need reminding that he needs to step in with things so that you can do what you want want.

It is hard though. Now more than ever. I was a sahm for 5 years with ds before dd arrived (she's 7 months) and gosh, it's even harder this time with lockdown.

Are you going back to work? It shouldn't just be a case of you surviving on maternity money - do you share finances? If he can afford the gym so can you!

Perhaps you could agree with DH that eg Wednesday night is 'your' night, to go to the gym, meet a friend etc. Get into the habit of making plans, and ensure DH gets home from work in time

It can be lonely and mind numbingly boring. To be honest you have to put yourself out there and find new friends who are in a similar situation to you. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever see your old friends of course, but if they work full time and don’t have kids then they most likely aren’t able to or don’t want to hang out with you and a baby during the day, and then of course evenings and weekends can be more challenging for you.

Of course covid has fucked all that up!! I thank my lucky stars daily that my kids are a little older and not babies during lockdown because baby groups saved my sanity for sure. I met some lovely friends at a baby group that I still see weekly and my DC1 is nearly 6 now.

So I don’t know if groups are open again in your area, but that would be my advice. Make some mum friends! Baby groups, swimming classes, baby sensory etc. they aren’t for the baby they’re for the bored and lonely mums

And yes you need to get out on an evening, either to the gym or meeting a friend. Gym membership should be a family cost if you’re looking after your child. You need equal access to money as your DH.