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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let overseas dad have 3yo for a full week after a year not seeing them

23 replies

FlapSnacks · 21/04/2021 19:51

Aibu to allow overseas dad to have 3yo and older sibling 18 nights out of 23 (over 4 periods) after not seeing them in person for almost a year? He Has only seen them once in last 18 months (usually would be 3-4 times a year)

Their dad left when the youngest was one and has only been able to come back for one week out of 18 months due to the pandemic. He can now come back for just over 3 weeks and wants as much time as possible (in the UK)

At the moment I’ve provisionally agreed he has all 3 weekends and some nights in the week including one 5/6 night stretch with some time off school which he asked the school for (school approved) as I am conscious they don’t get much chance to see him and probably won’t get to see him again until Christmas.

I am worried about the youngest being away so long as the last time he was away from me was last autumn for 2 lots of 2 nights with his dad and he found the nights difficult. Both boys grieve really badly when he leaves again as they readjust and their behaviour and disrupted sleep and routines becomes really hard to manage. I try my best to support them but it’s draining, physically and emotionally, for me and will be really hard again especially as it’s term time and I work. It’s awful to see them so sad and angry. It’s important they see their dad but it reopens all the feelings of “why did he leave us” for them and I get weeks and weeks of that question and the older sibling (6) s self worth crashes and he becomes very anxious and defiant. He gets some support at school .

The last few visits we’ve trialled loads of things but often they want to see their dad as much as possible but I am struggling to think of a good balance with 3 weeks while they’re still in school. They Skype each week so are familiar with him but the 3 year old doesn’t engage much.

Aibu to allow so much time or will they be absolutely fine and I am a massive overthinking potato? Is anybody in a similar situation with overseas coparenting in a pandemic 🙈🤦‍♀️ Thank you

OP posts:

IndecentCakes · 21/04/2021 19:54

I personally wouldn't let my youngest (4) away overnight in that situation. Mum is security to a 3 year old.

PinkCookie11 · 21/04/2021 19:56

Personally if they speak to him weekly and see his face on Skype then why not!
Let them build a relationship in person.
It’s in all of their best interests and it’ll give you a break!
Will it stop you worrying etc? No but that’s being a mother and we always worry!
Your always a phone call away if one was to be upset and want you.

YellowTwinklyStar · 21/04/2021 19:57

That's a long time for a 3 year old to be away from usual parent.

snoopy8 · 21/04/2021 19:57

How far away will be be starting from you with them? Could the older kids stay over night with him, but the youngest spend days with him, but sleeps mainly at home?

snoopy8 · 21/04/2021 19:59

Also I'm sorry to hear they get so upset with him being away from them. Now Covid rules are relaxing, will he get to see them more often?

fairydustandpixies · 21/04/2021 19:59

No. That would be my answer.

Leeds2 · 21/04/2021 20:02

Will the dad be based near you whilst he is in UK? Maybe he could have the children during the day, but bring them back to you for overnight.

LemonRoses · 21/04/2021 20:04

I think it’s incredibly unkind to a child.

minniemomo · 21/04/2021 20:06

It's a tricky situation but I would suggest allowing it to be flexible, ensure that ex knows that your youngest might not be there as much if it proves upsetting, I also suggest he stays close

Mrswalliams1 · 21/04/2021 20:13

I wouldn't. It's not fair on the child.

JackieTheFart · 21/04/2021 20:16

No I don’t think I’d like that. I think that would be hugely upsetting for a 3 year old in particular who doesn’t normally have overnights without you. Doesn’t matter that he’s his dad.

titchy · 21/04/2021 20:18

I assume he's here to see the dcs and therefore staying near you? In which case play it by ear. Maybe aim for first week he has them daytime only, picks up from school. Then try one overnight with them seeing you the next morning.

Planningobjection · 21/04/2021 20:20

Do they have regular FaceTimes and phone calls? I think I’d ease into it rather than overnight or any stretch of time straight away. He won’t know them and their routines, needs, behaviours and likewise they won’t be used to him unfortunately.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/04/2021 20:21

No. I don't think it's in a 3 year old's best interests to stay that long away from the RP. I wouldn't have allowed my DS to stay with my ex for that long at that age and my ex sees him fairly regularly.

HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 21/04/2021 20:22

I don't think he's being fair to them. He's thinking of himself and what he wants rather than what they need.

Vikingintraining · 21/04/2021 20:24

I wouldn't be comfortable with this, it sounds too difficult for the 3 yr old, possibly even for the older child after that long gap. Will they be near to you if either or both want to come home?
How is your relationship with the dad - if you get on ok would it be an option for him to stay the mid-week nights at your place to spend the extra time with the kids without them needing to be away from home and you?

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2021 20:25

If you previously tried 2 nights in the autumn and that wasn’t great then I wouldn’t be sending them for longer. Perhaps the 6-year-old to get ‘special’ time with Dad but not the youngest.

If it’s about the children’s needs, not the father’s - as it should be - then their dad needs to be ultra flexible and willing to change plan as it goes. I wouldn’t be setting expectations in stone, honestly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2021 20:27

No. I left DD for about 10 nights at that age with her resident, very involved father. He also had my dad there for moral support. It was hard even though he's present in her life all the time.

altlife · 21/04/2021 20:29

No. It sounds like too much too soon and they are very little to be away from you for so long.

Ease them in, short and (hopefully) sweet. Then go longer as they get older

Allthingspeaches · 21/04/2021 20:40

As pp have said it really is about what's in the best interest of the children. I don't think that such a radical shift for such a short period of time will do anything positive for the children. I'd build up to a couple of nights towards the end of the stay and probably not consecutive nights.

How well do you get on with the dad? Could he stay over a couple of times instead so everything is else but him is familiar to the children?

I left my son with DH for a couple of nights for a hen do and when I came back DS was distraught. That was with his dad that he sees everyday so I can't imagine what 18 days with someone you hardly see would be like.

Also the 6 year really struggles when dad leaves so would work out how they can be supported before dad actually leaves again.

Meatshake · 21/04/2021 21:06

No, I'd facilitate as much contact as possible, assuming no animosity or abuse between you I'd let their Dad come over early to be there for breakfasts, do bedtimes, school runs, go out by themselves for trips to the park etc whatever it is that he wants to do, but he is ultimately a stranger to your 3 year old and its not fair to remove his security of attachment for the enjoyment of an adult. Relationships need to be built and he needs lay a strong foundation of trust with his young kids before they can cope with extended visits.

Original poster

FlapSnacks · 23/04/2021 20:19

Thank you so so much for all your replies.l, I really appreciate it. I’ve only just seen them as I got no notifications and couldn’t find my thread so assumed I’d not posted it!!

Relationship isn’t great but amicable. Divorce finalising. He has a new partner and baby but they aren’t coming. I wouldn’t want him in the house as I don’t think that’d be good for the boys as they know my rules and it’s our safe space now so I dont want them to have to behave differently as he parents differently to how I do.

I feel it’s too much too but felt pressured as he can only come back for those weeks and that’s it til Xmas. He will stay locally in an air bnb or hotel with them most of the time but do a weekend away to the beach and one to his family who don’t live too far away. It’s hard to know what to do for the best as I don’t want to feel bad only allowing a small amount of contact but I don’t want to damage their relationship and security with me either.

I don’t want them split as they are always together with me as I have no choice other than that.. the 3 year old is very unsettled without his brother even when he is just at school all day.. they had lockdown together 24/7 so it’s been worse since that.

Thank you again

OP posts:

MenoMom · 24/04/2021 08:34

I agree with PP that he should start slow - collect from school/nursery a few days in first week, a couple of day trips then try overnights.
He needs to work on his relationship with his sons - they aren't there to keep him entertained for the 3 weeks, or to help him in getting a years parenting done in one go.

Visit sounds like far too long, would he cut it to say 1 week or 10 days? Would reduce disruprion for your boys.

So sorry that your oldest finds it so hard - new baby is an especially difficult time. My daughter at that age used to ask me why her daddy didn't love her - i told her that of course he did, not living with us didn't meant he didn't love her etc, but as he had married and moved away and had a baby when she was 7, she never really believed me - because he did love his new family more. It's not something i could make right, but did my best to show her how much i loved her so that she could be secure in that. It's very hard to see a child suffer in this way though, and little and often contact i think is much better than longer more concentrated contact to help them cope.
Hope it goes well - and that you get to enjoy some time to yourself when he's over.

Flip