AIBU to love sleeping alone?

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I’ll start by stating that I’m very happily married to a wonderful DH. There are no issues in our relationship, I love being with him and sharing my life with him. But...I don’t particularly like sharing a bed with him!

DH doesn’t snore, he rarely gets up to use the loo in the night, we have similar sleeping patterns (both morning people). However, I’m peri meno and although on HRT, my sleep is lighter than it was, when DH moves, which he seems to do frequently (when asleep ) it wakes me up! It makes me SO grouchy. Also, I seem to get restless legs quite frequently (I’m taking magnesium but its not helping much). Sometimes I just want to move my legs, fidget and get my iPad out at 3am.. obviously not fair on DH. We have a v large bed but I still prefer sleeping alone.

So DH and I now sleep alone Mon - Thursday and sleep together again Thurs to Sunday, work pressures lessen towards the end of the week so a solid night’s rest isn’t quite so important but truth be told, I’d be happier sleeping alone all the time.

My AIBU is really because I have read that sleeping apart isn’t healthy long term for our marriage. Is anyone able to reassure me otherwise or should I just try and sleep together for the sake of our relationship?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Plenty of happy couples sleep apart because both or one of them finds it much more comfortable. Good sleep is very important.

My 2yo is a nightmare during the night so dh and I take turns sleeping with her, well I do 70%. The nights I get by myself are amazing! But I do like a cuddle with him for 10mins and then he can go to her room

Thanks for replying. I have a sense of dread on the nights when we are going to share, it just feels wrong. My quality of sleep is SO much better when I get the bed to myself. Surely we weren't meant to sleep with other people!

I think most people share a bed because they think they're supposed to, combined with lack of space in their houses. DH and I don't. Like you, I'm a restless sleeper, very insomniac it's quite usual for me to be awake and reading on my Kindle from 3 to 5 and I also intermittently sleepwalk. DH is extremely light-sensitive, and would find the light of my Kindle too distracting.

We are much better and more rested sleeping apart, and our marriage is fine.

Being a resentful, sleep deprived grouch isn't good for a marriage either.
Do what works for you both regardless of what traditions dictate.

Happy couple here and definitely would love to sleep alone everynight. He moves more to my side during his sleep and it wakes me up and sometimes I can't get back to sleep straight away. Not a massive issue right now because I'm a stay at home mum and don't have to be up ready to leave the house early hrs but I'd seriously consider my own room when I go back to work. I don't wake up at all during the night when we aren't sleeping next to each other.

YANBU at all. Given a bigger house I would definitely have my own room.

Happily married here and we have slept apart for many years. I have night terrors and wake up screaming frequently. He snores like a trooper and in fact nobody in the family will share a room with hi!

My bedroom is my sanctuary.

YANBU

32 years together, and we love our separate rooms.

We have a super king bed which is actually two single mattresses zipped together. Couldn’t go back to a normal bed, it’s our half way house.

I'd love to do this. What about sex? Do you plan out in advance when you'll have sex so you're in one bed or the other?

I’m a shit sleeper and can’t relax fully if someone is beside me. I wake up if a mouse farts so DH’s sleep talking and snoring is a nightmare. Over the years we have tried a king size bed with a superking duvet, a superking bed with a double duvet each... nothing has helped.

We now have our own bedrooms and we both sleep much better. I can faff about until I get tired at 2am and he can snore/fart/roll himself up in the duvet without worrying that he’s disturbing me.

I was a bit embarrassed at first but I’ve realised that it’s very common!

My DH is a loud snorer and a light sleeper. He sleeps in the spare room all the time, unless we need it for guests. We are both much happier when we are rested! I feel funny admitting it to people in person though, like they'll think there is something wrong in our relationship.

I've not slept with my dp for over 8 years now, since pregnant with youngest dc. Between the older dc bed sharing and him snoring/watching TV in bed and being restless, I wasn't getting any quality sleep. I moved into the spare room and I've never moved back. Love having my own bed, now DC are older I refuse to let them share also, unless poorly. I cannot stand to have my space invaded whilst I'm sleeping and can't ever imagine going back to bed sharing. My dp is also quite happy with having his won space. It's not great for the sex life but with a teen in the house that requires strategic planning anyway.

Love my partner and can and do sleep next to him every night without any problems really,
BUT the odd night he's away/out and I get the whole bed to myself is amazing (and I don't have any excuses like menopause, snoring, fidgeting etc). So no YANBU in my books.

Apart from when the children were small and all 4 of us slept in a huge super king bed, we have always slept apart.

My room is light, windows always open, no curtains, 4 tog duvet or just sheet. I'm awake multiple times in the night and average about 5hrs.

His room is pitch black, windows and doors always closed, 12.5 tog duvet, blackout blinds and curtains. He sleeps a solid 8hrs.

I'm very thankful that we have the space to have our own rooms. The single most important thing about bed is that everyone gets enough sleep for them.

I've always remembered a TV historian discussing this and she said it was actually poverty that forced people to sleep with others- the more well off, the more rooms and very common for husband and wife to have their own rooms and bathrooms their own dressing areas etc.

We always sleep apart except for when we have visitors; we have a great marriage and great sleep

Thanks for all your interesting responses, a unanimous YANBU! Relieved to see lots of happy, healthy marriages despite sleeping apart.

To the poster who asked about when to have sex. We always start the evening off in the main bedroom, we’ll watch a series or whatever and then when it’s time to sleep, one of us goes into the spare room. We literally just sleep apart, everything else is the same! Really looking forward to my guilt free night of undisturbed sleep tonight now 😴

This has really opened my eyes. I don’t know why but there is such a stigma to couples who sleep apart. If I had a spare bedroom i probably would end up sleeping alone sometimes. Purely for the fact my partner breaths on me through the night and drives me mad!!! Oh and for his benefit cause I am usually up twice a night for the loo and if I can’t sleep I like to go on my phone!

Dh works nights twice a week, I count down the nights until I can sleep alone! If we had a spare room we’d sleep apart more often

If we had a spare room I'd be in it. Not sure how Dh would feel but like you I'm perimenopausal, suffer with restless leg. I just want to be able to spread out a bit, read as late as I want or read during the night if I can't sleep (which is often). Instead I lie there getting more irritated. Also I snore and toss and turn so I don't know how Dh puts up with me. I don't believe we should have to share a bed forever more. How many threads do we see where kids have their own room and shouldn't be expected to share to fit in a step child for instance. So why as adults is it expected that we share a room for life? As much as I love Dh, when dd goes to college I'll be in her room.

This thread makes me feel so much better - so pleased we're not alone! Me and DH used to share a bed pre DC but since the last stages of my pregnancy with DD (now 5) we have shared a bed only a handful of times. Both DC were awful sleepers and I was breastfeeding, so DH moved to the spare room. DS is 3 and still wakes, so we are currently taking it in turns to have him in with one of us. Plus I'm very restless, up at least twice for the loo and take an age to fall asleep but hate waking early. DH is the opposite. He doesn't snore, sleeps like the dead but once he gets woken up he really struggles to get back to sleep. He is also physically affected by broken sleep - more so than I am - he has a digestive condition and it makes it worse. So, separate beds it is! We do talk about how we really must share a bed again (he's more keen than me) but as far as I'm concerned, sleep is the important thing as life with full time jobs and small DC is exhausting enough as it is!

As for sex, we manage perfectly fine 🙂

This is one of the reasons I won't live with my DP of 2 years (no kids). He is here now - in my king sized bed, asleep. I've got up, my restless legs are terrible tonight, I have to sleep totally spread eagled to get any rest from them.

I prefer sleeping alone.

@amusedbush

I’m a shit sleeper and can’t relax fully if someone is beside me. I wake up if a mouse farts so DH’s sleep talking and snoring is a nightmare. Over the years we have tried a king size bed with a superking duvet, a superking bed with a double duvet each... nothing has helped.

We now have our own bedrooms and we both sleep much better. I can faff about until I get tired at 2am and he can snore/fart/roll himself up in the duvet without worrying that he’s disturbing me.

I was a bit embarrassed at first but I’ve realised that it’s very common!

This is me exactly.

I just can't relax and sleep deeply if another person is next to me.

Unfortunately , I have spent my whole married life being bullied by my OH for being a light sleeper and preferring to sleep alone than share a bed and be like a zombie during the day.

I'm told that it's the main reason behind my wife's unhappiness and the reason why I am physically and verbally abused in front of our children.

I'm a middle aged man and not sure how much more I can take. I feel so desperate. I don't want to leave as I live for my young kids and I fear that I will lose them.