To go along with SIL bitching!

[HayzCo]

My SIL is an abrasive person. She has strong opinions and has a lot to say about other people.. all the time! To their faces she does make backhanded comments so isn’t totally two-faced but behind your back she lets rip. Recently if she calls the whole conversation is her saying horrible/ judgey comments about her friends and most often, about our other SIL. I’m under no illusion that I’m exempt, I’m sure she does the same to me to others.

My question is.. how should I handle it? I generally just sort of listen and nod along but I’m not happy being even slightly complicit anymore. This past year just half listening on the phone is one thing but face to face meet ups, I can’t stand it!

What would you do?

Context is that anyone who stands up to her on anything gets cold shoulder for weeks/ months, not only from her but also MIL. My other SIL has pulled her up before but now believes they have a v good relationship/ doesn’t want the agro of the complete fall out.. I’m starting to think it might be worth it.

I would just stop picking up SIL's calls and make up an excuse to leave the conversation when she starts bitching to you in person.

In my experience people who do this are deeply unhappy. It comes from a place of envy, unhappiness, resentment, so I’d recognise something is very wrong and try to understand what it is.

Don't get dragged in. Every comment she makes just respond 'have you said this to their face?'. If she's bitching to you about everyone then she's bitching about you too. If they want to ignore you for not joining in, fuck them.

Can you say
“I don’t want to get involved”
“ they have always been nice to me”
“I’ve not experienced that”
“I would rather you not discuss it with me”

To be honest if she gives you the cold shoulder is it the worst thing that could happen

I'd be fine with the cold shoulder from such a person.

Could you say something like
" Now, now let's be nice here" and change the conversation quickly so it doesn't look like you are blaming her but still stopping it. If she could shoulders you so be it.

I'd prefer cold shoulder tbh.

@MoppaSprings

Can you say “I don’t want to get involved” “ they have always been nice to me” “I’ve not experienced that” “I would rather you not discuss it with me”

To be honest if she gives you the cold shoulder is it the worst thing that could happen

That. Anything else implies that you agree with her, which isn't fair to the person she's talking about, and also means that she could tell others that you agree with her. I would absolutely not be happy with the latter in particular.

You don't have to argue, just close each you'd down with one of the above.

You'd = topic

I had this with my SIL. She would moan about and endlessly criticise my other SIL, and I would end up saying nothing and nodding along just because I was so grateful that I wasn't getting it at that precise moment. I knew full well that when it wasn't me there I was the one being similarly ruthlessly critiqued and dissected. It has led to her feeling that she can, and is, justified in saying whatever she wants to me, while I sit there and take it. It has also left me feeling ashamed that I didn't have the courage to risk her wrath and stand against it. I'm not proud of myself. If I had my time again I wouldn't care about the cold shoulder, I would speak up and be damned. Nip it in the bud. Think about it, is she the kind of person you would choose for a friend? It's unlikely, so why should we care so much what they think of us? Keep yourself above all else, that matters most, as you have to live with yourself, not her.

I'll only listen to a level of negativity, then I tell the person, usually one of my DD'S (all under 25) that enoughs, enough. As well as the statements suggested. I'd add 'what harm are they doing' and 'that's their choice', 'don't let it affect your mood', or 'well avoid that person, then'. People get into cycles of negativity, but I want no part of it. In my youngest DD's case I give her five minutes, then be constructive, point out what could be the cause and how to handle it. I tell people straight that I don't want to listen to it. Be more busy, cut down on the time you speak to her. Don't fear being cut off, unless you need your MIL for babysitting, what's the issue?

In a light-hearted manner, say to her 'you're worrying far to much about so-and-so, it's not good for you' or 'honestly, try not to think about so-and-so or you'll end up getting stressed out, think positive thoughts!' and then change the subject to self care like cake, shopping, movies, hobbies, literally anything she is interested in, or ask her how something else in her life is going, how's your job going/have you baked recently/did you see that episode of blah. That way can redirect the conversation without slagging off anyone else, or starting an argument with her and you've validated her feelings without getting involved. That's if you want to keep her on side! If you dont care tell her shes a b~*&^%

I am the other SIL.

For over 30 years PosionousSIL did this and all of DHs family felt as @ShiftingSands did. I was cut out of family life. God only knows what she told them about me. My other SIL tried to explain (now SIL has left the family) that it was easier toplactae her, that she didn't think about me as an individual. She is now upset with me because she has 'said sorry' and I can't get passed it. DH has told her to fuck off. He too was ostracised and has no reason to think kindly about them.

So think it through. Is there someone you are avoiding to make your life easier? Is someone else becomong the family scapegoat? Do you like that about yourself?

I’ll take a lengthy cold shouldering please. When the thaw starts I’ll order a fresh one.

I can confirm that the lengthiest of cold shouldering is actually quite pleasant. Not least for not having to pander to the squeaky wheel.

And yes, DH and I have definitely ordered a further portion!

Tell her you've taken a vow of positivity and made a resolution to tell everyone ten things you're thankful for each time you speak to them. Be determined. "Anyway back to my list..." I don't think she will call you many more times.

@MoppaSprings

Can you say “I don’t want to get involved” “ they have always been nice to me” “I’ve not experienced that” “I would rather you not discuss it with me”

To be honest if she gives you the cold shoulder is it the worst thing that could happen

This.

I had a friend like that (had) and would mildly comment 'I don't remember it like that' or 'I've never found XXX to be like that.' Very mild disagreement and it felt awful to do it. But I'd learned that she'd taken my non-committal noises as agreement and then told the other person that I'd agreed with her vile, bitching comments.

So I made a point of disagreeing. We fell out. I joined the ranks of those she bitches about. It's bliss from my point of view.

I'll always challenge it now - usually mildly, but I'm working up to full disagreement.

No! In my 20s I would have wanted

• Stop. You are being very unpleasant
• I find their company very pleasant
• That hasn't happened, but you are getting close.
• I won't hear you saying such things about her

Not just a grey rocking of her but a positive alliance with me.

Now in my 50s I don't really care. They are who they are.

Walk away or hang up every time she does it. Better still tell her outright you're not interested in gossip. I have zero time for this sort of thing (aside from which, I'm just not bloody interested). No way would I humour her.

Thanks all. A good mirror held up.

I definitely employ these responses and often, it’s just exhausting and doesn’t stop her thinking it’s OK the next time. I’ll be much firmer from now on. It isn’t as easy to seemingly cause the issue or walk away from family relationships, especially with in-laws, but you’re all correct.. not much else for it in this case. Let’s see what happens!