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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband

21 replies

Blacknight · 20/04/2021 20:40

My husband always make me feel like I'm not good enough, like there are always ways in which I can be better.

We can be fine and everything is great and then as soon as we have a disagreement about something he will then list the ways in which I'm failing and compare me to all the other women in his family and tell me how I can do better. It shatters my self esteem and makes me feel not worthy.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 20/04/2021 20:43

He doesn’t sound very nice OP. My husband makes me feel like I’m the best woman in the world which I am very much not.

What is your relationships me day to day?

gobbynorthernbird · 20/04/2021 20:44

Do you both a big favour and leave the dickhead

UrsulaBee · 20/04/2021 20:45

You deserve so much better than thank.

Zerrin13 · 20/04/2021 20:45

What a complete and utter up his own ass twat

Blacktothepink · 20/04/2021 20:46

Point out all his faults whilst your packing his belongings and tell him fuck off!

Original poster

Blacknight · 20/04/2021 20:46

Day to Day is fine he's very affectionate and sweet. But as soon as we disagree on something he will put me down and make me feel like nothing I do or ever do will be good enough for him. It makes me feel really sad.

OP posts:

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 20/04/2021 20:46

He is supposed to be your biggest fan. Not storing up insults and complaints for when you piss him off. That's not what he's for. As he's not serving a purpose any more, what's the point of him?

Blueskytoday06 · 20/04/2021 20:49

While he's pointing out yours, you're busy over-looking his.

Merryoldgoat · 20/04/2021 20:50

He’s training you OP. Behave ‘nicely’ and he’ll be lovely. Disagree and he’ll be a pig. Soon you’ll be a shell of a person who has no autonomy.

Get away from him.

CSIblonde · 20/04/2021 20:50

What an arse . I'd be compiling my own list & being quite vocal about his 'failings' in return . Silence is acceptance. He knows your weak spot & goes for it safe in the knowledge you won't retaliate. Is this the general dynamic ? Because if so, I'd be having a rethink on what you get out of the relationship, apart from someone who exoloits your low self esteem & uses it as a weapon against you.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 20/04/2021 20:57

Love that @Blueskytoday06 !

OP you deserve better. The thing is none of us is perfect, but your partner should be one of those people who strictly DOES NOT remind you of your imperfections. He should be your cheerleader. Corny as that may sound.
I'd tell him all the above and if he changes great, otherwise I'd start making up negative stuff to say about him to prove a point. That doesn't work? Walk.

Good luck OP!

Original poster

Blacknight · 20/04/2021 21:24

Thanks for the replies. I just feel so low today.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blacknight · 20/04/2021 21:47

He just makes me feel like I'm always jumping through hoops to appease him and just as I think everything is great he shoots me down and disregards all I did.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 20/04/2021 21:56

So when he starts fight back, compare him in the same way to others
As he says something to you, say something to him

Merryoldgoat · 20/04/2021 21:57

Why do you stay? He sounds horrid and you sound unhappy.

marthastew · 20/04/2021 21:58

He sounds abusive and controlling. And an utter twat.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2021 22:03

He just makes me feel like I'm always jumping through hoops to appease him and just as I think everything is great he shoots me down and disregards all I did.

He's been training you. Do exactly as he wants, he's fine, step out if line, even a little bit, and he will do and say whatever it takes to destroy your self-esteem and self-worth. Then like magic, he's nice again. Until the next time he needs to remind you of your place.

Tell him to fuck off and walk out the door.

CantGetDecentNickname · 20/04/2021 22:46

Hi OP,
I know it is easy to want to leave and sometimes hard to do, especially if there are children involved. Think you sound very down and that he is eroding your assertiveness on purpose so you won't have the confidence to leave. You know you are worth more than this. Please make plans to spend your free time with your friends (I know that's not so easy at the moment), but they will help you with your confidence and you won't be depending upon him. Don't let your life revolve around spending time with him, have outside interests. You don't need to be with someone who makes you feel worthless - you can walk away.

You could try telling him straight (look him in the eyes and lower the pitch of your voice so you sound calm even if you're not) that his behaviour is coercive and controlling and if he is trying to end your relationship he should just have the guts to say so rather than giving you this manipulative behaviour. This will show him that you are wise to what he is doing, not impressed by it and that it isn't working. If he starts up, walk away and do something nice for yourself instead and refuse to join/eat with/be around him at all. Leave the room if he comes in, sleep in another room/sofa so he knows you are serious and that his nasty behaviour won't be tolerated.

Start looking at your finances - if you were to leave, where would you go? how much can you afford? can you change jobs/role to a better paid one? etc. See a solicitor or look for free advice online to see what your options are. It should help you feel a bit less worried to know that you are doing something proactive to help yourself and that there is an alternative to your current situation which may be hard for a while, but will be better for your wellbeing in the long run.

It is very immature behaviour to not be able to understand that others may not always agree with you and they don't have to. He sounds as though he is used to getting his own way and is very arrogant. By behaving like a mature adult who is (quite rightly) disgusted by his behaviour, you can make him see this. Not sure it will change him though - you may end up having to call it a day.

Good luck

Original poster

Blacknight · 21/04/2021 00:06

Thanks @CantGetDecentNickname it's even harder because I'm abroad and the only person I know here is my husband and his family.

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Anordinarymum · 21/04/2021 00:13

My husband did this all of the time. Nothing I ever did was right. If I started a conversation he turned it into an argument. There were lots of other things going on too but these arguments about trivial things and his constant putting me down at every opportunity wore me down and I knew I could not grow old with him.

I am glad I ended things when I did, and my only regret is not doing it sooner

Original poster

Blacknight · 21/04/2021 01:40

And then after he's nice and as sweet as can be. It's very confusing.

OP posts:

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