Is this normal? (feeling nothing towards my children)

[Goldenbarbq]

My two children (now in early 20's) have, I've realised over time and especially lately, made me feel completely inadequate. Over the past ten years they have put me down, criticised every single decision I have made be it house choice, area choice, their schools, the way I have dealt with my finances, my clothes, my career.
I bought them up alone with very little support from their father who they see occasionally but are equally critical of (but with good reason). They both blame me for their lack of motivation/status in life.

They have been incredibly disloyal and have lied to me multiple times. They have refused to pay rent/board until they finally left home. I've done everything I possibly could since they were babies but now I feel numb, wrung out, exhausted and actually, now we finally have some distance between us (except when they need food/money/lifts) I am feeling relieved but don't really think of them or feel that I actually care.

Is this normal? I have a great partner who is supportive and has also done a lot for both of them but they have decided he's not good enough financially/good looking enough for me and I should find someone 'who can provide a house/car/holidays etc'. They are both extremely materialistic.

Where did I go wrong? How do I get over this?
In need of handhold because I'm wondering if I've become devoid of emotion and feel a shell of my former self. I just feel incredibly sad that those two babies who I loved more than anything and dedicated my life to became parasites and people I don't like very much at all. When I see friends/colleagues with small children and they are doting on them I think 'just you wait, they can turn on you'. I don't want to be so cynical.

Occasionally they have both admitted to having amazing childhoods and say I was the best mother for them in everything I did, but that soon changes to nastiness.

I feel I created monsters.

For some these days being in your 20s is almost like an extension of the teenage years. When I was that age many of my peers were immature and heavily reliant on thier parents still.

I would gently take a step back from them, say no to lifts every so often if you don't want to. They may mellow out a bit over time, especially if they have children of thier own and they realise how hard it is!

*for some reason

Would some counselling help you assess your feelings maybe?

They might appreciate you when they have kids and need you for childcare.

Do they know that they are making you feel sad? I can imagine how you are feeling and I must be devastating. I think by cutting yourself off emotionally and is a reaction to being hurt, which is understandable. Give it time. Let them know how much you love them (and you do love them) but that how they treat you and speak to you is unkind and hurtful. Ask them why they feel that way rather than guessing. I am sure things will right themselves out over time.

You’ve not done anything wrong op, they have just massively taken advantage of you and your kind nature. Time to focus on yourself and prioritise your own needs. They will need to stand on their own feet now... can you head off for a gap year/sabbatical/extended break somewhere? Create some distance to enforce some boundaries? Get some proper ‘you’ time?
I feel looking back that I was quite selfish in my early 20’s, took a while to grow up. It was only when I had my own children I really started to understand the sacrifices my mother made. Look after yourself, hang in there, they will understand one day 💐💐

If they don't live with you I would distance myself emotionally from them, and not see them so often. They are toxic towards you and what is important is not allowing them to carry on destroying your self worth. If they live with you, lay down the law. No more comments or they find somewhere else to live.

I am sure given time and space, they will come round and see how awful they have been.

It kind of sounds like they don't yet realise they're "grown-ups".
"Your children should always come first"? I'd reply, "you did, when you were children, but you're not children anymore".
Basically, you need to etablish some boundaries, and they need to grow up. All is not lost, though, give them a few years. But draw those boundaries.

I'm interested in what they were like as children op.
When did they change?

I get the impression you are someone kind who has put them first. What are you like at maintaining boundaries?

Op l am so sorry you deserve better, much better..

If my children treated me like that l would write them a firm letter, telling them how much l loved them, how l ensured they had the very best that l could manage, supported hobbies and schoolwork through the years, and did not put any man ahead of them for many years, that l thoroughly enjoyed that time in their lives, but that it came with sacrifices, which you were happy to make, but now you would expect a mature respectful mutually supportive relationship with them, including them being happy for you to have a loving relationship.

I would be telling them that if after all that, they cannot treat you and your partner with courtesy , respect and kindness then they are not welcome,and you will not be giving money or help until they do.
Keep the door open and revisit each say every 6 months, but give nothing until they learn to be less selfish.

They need a good kick in the rear as they sound like entitled spoilt brats ( not in any way your fault you sound like a really good mum)....hopefully over time and a few life lessons they will start to appreciate you.

That sounds painful op. Maybe they will shift their ideas once they take a few knocks and realise how hard life can be. They are still very young, people can be a bit arrogant and full of themselves at that age. Meanwhile, step back from helping them, as others have said.

They are used to manipulating you. They want to ensure you are always feeling guilty about something or other because it means they will get whatever they want.
Cut the lifts and cash and being at their beck and call. Concentrate on enjoying life with your partner.

My eldest and I are vlc on the verge of nc. He’s almost 16 and loves with his grandmother at his own choice.

He was the loveliest boy and I loved him so much but he’s been listening to her vitriol and poison about me for so long that I get nothing but grief, rudeness abuse and pictures of wreaths he can’t wait to put on his coffin now. He truly hates me.

Until he’s grown up a bit I think the kindest thing for us all is to just stay away, and try not to wind him up getting in touch.

They sound jealous of your partner. Maybe you need to sit them down and have a very serious chat with them about how they are your children, you will always love them but they need to stand on their two feet, stop being so judgemental of you and stop trying to police your life choices. My best friend went through something similar with her mum and afrer a good chat she did come round. I hope you get somewhere with them as this is unfair on you.

Where did I go wrong?

Maybe you were too permissive/not disciplinary enough as they were growing up in order to compensate for being a single parent/tired from managing so much on your own?
Not exactly 'going wrong' but maybe that contributed?