Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Birthdays

19 replies

Marvaluzs · 20/04/2021 07:06

Hi all,

I have been divorced for 8 years and have 2 daughters. (13/15)
My ex wife and I put our differences aside for the girls birthdays and will always cut cake with family members.
15 months ago I started dating again.
My partner is uncomfortable with me doing this. I’ve told her many times that there is ZERO emotional connection with me and ex.
We don’t cut the cake as a happy family, we cut it with both parents there and for the happiness of my girls.
Am I being unreasonable in just looking for my girls happiness for what is 2 half days per year?

My partner and I have now split. I love her deeply but feel stuck in between my girls happiness and hers.
I’ll do anything to have her back but don’t want my girls despising her for stopping something they’ve always had.

OP posts:

weegiepower · 20/04/2021 07:14

She's being totally unreasonable

Phillipa12 · 20/04/2021 07:15

But it won't just be the cake. If you had given it a few more months it would be something else, then something else. Your girls happiness is paramount and it is 2 half days a year. What do you think would have happend on their wedding days?.........

MakingPlans21 · 20/04/2021 07:15

Your daughters should come first. YANBU

Original poster

Marvaluzs · 20/04/2021 07:16

Just to add I’m a Dad.
I would appreciate your opinions. Thank you.

OP posts:

Flowerlane · 20/04/2021 07:33

Well don’t for putting your girls first.

If she is behaving like that over your daughters then it’s best to walk away.

Flowerlane · 20/04/2021 07:33

Done* not dont

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2021 07:35

Yanbu at all

She sounds jealous and it’s not an attractive trait. I’m sure you can find another woman who won’t mind you doing this

Mumkins42 · 20/04/2021 07:37

I agree this is only the start and would most definitely worsen over time. It is not unreasonable at all to do what you're doing ref birthdays. Her feelings will be felt by your girls no matter how much she tries to hide it.

Amdone123 · 20/04/2021 07:37

I think it's great that you and your ex wife do this for your girls. It is so much better for them now, and in the future. Well done both of you.
With your gf, it's not about cake. It's much more. Let her go.

bloodyhell19 · 20/04/2021 07:38

Any person who doesn't understand wanting to maintain somewhat normality for your girls' birthdays isn't worth your time. YANBU.

Imapotato · 20/04/2021 07:38

She sounds pretty unreasonable to be honest.

ChaosMoon · 20/04/2021 07:38

Your a good dad. She's a shit person. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

imissthe90s · 20/04/2021 07:39

She's a shit person if she can't understand why your children come first and not worth another second dwelling over.

TheJackieWeaver · 20/04/2021 07:39

Well done for putting them first.

Cutting a birthday cake (or indeed, anything else that would be beneficial for your daughters) isn’t unreasonable.

I spend an hour or so a week with my ex when we drop our DC with each other, just to allow the boys time to transition between us. If my DP had an issue with that, I’d feel it said more about him than me.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2021 07:42

Yanbu.
You are doing the right thing, those are not good signs from your new ex partner.

Anyone decent would applaud the fact that you put the children first.

(Btw - she would be horrified at me and my ex - we have dinner together at swap over sometimes on a weekend because our girls like it)

Returnoftheowl · 20/04/2021 07:44

If it is simply two afternoons a year then your partner is being unreasonable.

However I am wondering if there is going to be a drip feed where you mention that your still at your ex wife's beck & call, that you do all get DIY for her, pop over for family dinner once a week and are her shoulder to cry on whenever she's needs any support.

On the face of it your partner is unreasonable, but it's there any more to this story?

Original poster

Marvaluzs · 20/04/2021 07:49

@Returnoftheowl thank you very much for your comment.
It is just the birthdays.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 20/04/2021 08:49

YANBU. In fact, I hugely commend you for absolutely doing the right things for your girls. They will probably not even fully appreciate it until they are adults, but then BOY will they think the world of you. There are so many stories of people meeting new partners and then putting them ahead of their children and I always feel so so sad for the children, who have already had to experience the pain of their parents splitting up, then having to feel usurped by someone new. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t second guess yourself. You deserve a partner with the same outlook as you, who can be mature enough to see that children come first.

Original poster

Marvaluzs · 20/04/2021 11:38

Thank you all so much for your kind replies.

It is a difficult time, but your comments have gone some way to help me with the healing xx

OP posts:

Flip