Unreasonable to work in the evening

[Workaholicmummy88]

Dh thinks I work I work too much (hence the username)

I work a 37.5 hour week, have been at home since last March so generally work 9 - 5 with 30 minute lunch which I usually try and use for a walk or pick dd up from school (she's 5) which usually means having lunch at my desk. Obviously I take a few breaks to get a drink and bathroom breaks in the day, if its quiet I might throw some washing on and hang it up.

My job is usually extremely busy. Could work 24 hours and not make a dent in my to do list. But I love my job. Managed to survive a round of redundancies earlier this year. Very thankful to have a job at the moment and in the industry I work in as its been badly affected by covid.

There are a couple of big projects going on at the moment, dh is off today so he was cooking dinner for exactly 5pm when I finish. I was in the middle of something. So I finished for dinner and said that I was going to do half an hour after dinner. Dh sulked and moaned that I shouldn't be working etc.

Anyway after dinner we sat in the garden, dh was watching something on his phone. Dd was having her tablet time so I grabbed the laptop, sat outside with them and finished off what I needed to do. Probably took me 40 minutes in all.

Dh asked me 4 times how it was going and had I finished. When I pointed out that it wasn't like we were doing anything and he was watching his phone anyway he kept making comments how it was different etc.

This was a one off to just finish some work, was it really unreasonable?

Not unreasonable at all. I work similar hours, don't make a habit of working after 5 but occasionally I do. It also helps to build the good will as there are other times I might need a longer lunch or to finish early.

Is this really about the hours you work or is it about your time with him?
He'd made tea. He wanted your company. From your op I have a really good idea of your work day but nothing about your home life - how does that time divvy up.
Is he moaning about work when really it's something else

Not unreasonable at all! Your DH is being unreasonable, imo. Not every job is "nine to five", is that the kind of work he does?

It’s surely up to you
I would not entertain this kind of interference from my DH

I thought you were going to say you regularly work til 10pm or something! Working half an hour extra is hardly a big deal, even if it was every day - lots of people do that. He is being massively unreasonable.
Are there bigger issues?

Nah YANBU, say that sat at my desk working at 7.30. It sucks, but sometimes it needs doing

Have you asked him what it is that's bothering him?

It may be he's resentful about the amount he's doing around the house or with the kids.

It may be he's feeling that he has more of your attention when you're not working (even if he's not actually doing anything with you IYSWIM).

It may be that he feels you're doing an unreasonable amount for whatever you get paid.

It may be that he's projecting his own work ethic on to you (particularly if he's unhappy/unmotivated with his own job).

It may be that he's never had the kind of job where you don't have completely set hours.

Unless you ask him, you'll never get to the bottom of it and clear the air.

I work part time, so resent lots of additional hours, but do do some.
I always feel the extent to which one is required to work additional hors depends on the salary, seniority of the role, and whether there is a degree of flexibility both ways.

I think your husband is being unreasonable - does he always finish on the dot of five and never need to do overtime? Even if he does, it's your job, and your sense of responsibility and professionalism.

I too assumed you were going to say you were regularly there until 9.30, 10pm.
Of course YANBU.
I'd hardly call an extra 40mins to finish something off "working into the evenings. Especially as you say that you sometimes hang washing out when work is quiet - in truth, if anyone wanted to be pedantic about it, you are just putting back 10 mins from the last 4 times you hung some washing out or chatted to your dd after school or emptied the dishwasher during working hours.

He is being ridiculous.

DH and I both work long hours and always work all evening (7-11) to catch up around school drop offs and pick ups. We both have hectic jobs but I do get annoyed if I'm doing bath and bedtime with DC and he's tinkering on his laptop when he can often hear I'm struggling (toddler lobbing eldest shoes in the bath, both kids screaming etc) so maybe your DH is more annoyed at you opting out of family life rather than working per se.

I think it really depends but I expect there's more to this than you working and extra 30-40 minutes here and there.

My husband had a habit whilst I was on maternity leave of leaving work 30-40 minutes late basically every single day. I'd have been home all day alone with our little baby after having done all the night feeds (to allow him to be well rested for work as 'I could nap during the day). He never took how overworked/tired/stressed I was factor into his plans. Things carried on like this for a long time because "He can't just finish on time"... Until I returned to work and our little boy went to a childminder. As soon as he needed picking up from a 3rd party my husband could suddenly finish on time.

One other thing that bugged me was that he never planned or discussed with me his plans. He'd just default me to parenting solo, no discussion or anything.

I said to him that while ever our DS was awake/needing parenting he had to assume 50% responsibility if it was outside of working hours. And that any additional (un paid and in necessary overtime) was disrespectful towards me if it wasn't pre agreed. DS goes to bed at 7pm though, after DS is in bed DHs time is his own (just like before we had kids).

I would caveat this with the fact we work in the same role at the same company so I know 100% that the overtime isn't required. It won't secure his position anymore than anyone elses so it really is a choice on his part.

If any of this sounds familiar to you OP I'd recommend an honest chat with your DH to understand how and why he's reacting how he's reacting.

He sounds really annoying. Is he always like this when you give your time to something other than him? You’re not even working late

Thank you for all the replies.

To answer some of the questions:
We both try and share school runs, I probably do more as dh work shifts (a lot of night shifts) so my job, especially now I am wfh allows me the flexibility to do these more. But it does mean staggering my lunch around these, which both work and I are happy with

I do more of the day to day (washing, loading/emptying the dishwasher, organising food shops etc) dh does more of the manual stuff and will cook dinner if he is off.

His role is very much shift based, he goes in for when he needs to and rarely works past when he needs to finish. If he does need to work late he insists on the time back etc. He doesn't work in an office environment. He has had the same job for about 7 years now, isn't really interested in progressing, where as I have changed roles a few times and up until a recent restructure was slightly more senior than I am now (took a lond of demotion to keep a job - salary remained pretty much the same)

If it was every night then I would say its an issue but it's once a month if that

Would he prefer if you didn't work or work part time?
I bet he likes you having more money so he can keep his low demanding job

I guess you earn more than he does, as well? Or will be soon?

I've seen it before on MN, men who work shifts who just don't get that not all jobs are like that, and not everyone resents do a bit extra.

If he works night shifts does that affect how much time you get to spend together normally? Is it quite rare that you get an evening together and that's why he's a bit miffed?

But no I don't think you're being at all unreasonable based on what you've posted.

Are you the OP who's husband wanted you to watch telly with him during your working hours?

40 mins is nothing. A lot of people work far more in the evening and regularly.

He's clearly resentful of something. I'm not sure what. Maybe as simple as because he doesnt work over his contracted hours he thinks you shouldn't either, which would be pretty short sighted of him.

It's strange though, because he was on his phone, and you were sat with everyone. It's not like you hid yourself away in another room, and it doesnt sound like he was even engaging with you very much if he was watching something!

If it causes that much friction in your family's life, never ever go freelance or self employed, because that's totally normal. I had one project when the project manager, knowing I was freelance, never called during working hours. He'd call at 7:00 pm and still be on the phone at 8:45, while my dinner either burnt or went uncooked. Fortunately it only lasted a few weeks. When all you are selling is your time and skill, and not your presence, clients do tend to take advantage. This client was nice enough, but....

No one looks back at their life and wishes they had spent more time at work. You need to set your colleagues and clients expectations about some things being sacrosanct, and meal time with family should be one.

You are unreasonable to eat at 5 and call it dinner.

Some have dinner in the middle of the day. This is fine.

Some people call their evening meal dinner. This is also fine.

But 5 o’clock is tea time. It’s the middle of the afternoon. You can’t have dinner at 5 o’clock.

Was he particularly bad today as he was on leave, and wanted company?
I wfh and often stop in the evening, cook dinner and then work some more while dp cleans up. It’s not like I have anywhere to go, anything else to do and it’s not hurting anyone. It doesn’t cause any friction here and I can’t see why it was such an issue at your house.

I’m surprised you get a wash on. I work from home 2 days a week (in the office 3) and pick dc up from school on the 2 days so that’s my lunch break. No time for anything else and every time I go to the loo my boss calls and I end up doing the knicker waddle to my phone!

He should try being married to a teacher. I do 50/60 hours most weeks.
He is being ridiculous.