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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell school about DS12's mates playing GTA?

56 replies

adhdpunchbag · 19/04/2021 17:00

It’s causing so many problems at home because his close school mates play it and we don’t let him. And it’s not just a case of saying no, end of. With his ADHD diagnosis and potentially ASD the mither and obsessing and moods about it are driving me to distraction. There’s been violence and damage to property.

And yes, some of them do play it. He's played it too at others houses occasionally. We weren't impressed.... We haven’t met his mates but some of them have similar traits to DS and a few are in one parent households. I know how hard it is living with that lethal combination and not to cave in as I’m in the same boat and without the support of his dad and his partner I probably would have done. Because we don’t know he kids we don’t know the parents so have no “in” there either.

Pastoral team at high school are good and I think telling them would a) enable them to discuss it in school with the kids and its (non)appropriateness and b) send a letter to parents reminding them it’s not a game for 12 year olds…. (Something similar happened in primary with Fortnite)

Or AIBU and should just crack on with it as a problem we have to solve on our own? It’s got fuck all to do with school.

OP posts:
Original poster
adhdpunchbag · 19/04/2021 17:27

@imalmostthere

Please don't go to the school, you'll look like a loon
Christ I feel like a fucking loon must of the time Confused
OP posts:
Shinyandnew5708 · 19/04/2021 17:28

Hey OP, just wanted to apologise about my tone in my previous post. Not had a great day myself. My son has ADHD too. Strangely enough, the PS4 helps him calm down and I am trying to help him learn the skills of compromise and self control through his use of it. Perhaps you could think about meeting your son half way? Our household is far from perfect but I have seen a marked improvement in my son since I have taken this approach. I understand your frustration totally though. All the best.

Crocidura · 19/04/2021 17:28

@PatrickBatemann

The school can't police what parents allow their children to play Hmm
This reminds me of when DC were at primary school and the head (an arsehole of the highest order) sent out letters saying that if they heard any more children talking about playing computer games rated 12 or above, they would be informing social services. Caused much merriment amongst the parents.
Original poster
adhdpunchbag · 19/04/2021 17:33

@Shinyandnew5708

Interesting. When he's on the Xbox it's a combination of him being out of my hair and also him having fun/being calm chatting to mates. He seems to have grown out of being frustrated with it when it wasn't going his way. Occasionally maybe but it's not an issue.

But with his gaming nearest and dearest moving on to GTA he feels left behind. Doesn't do his self esteem any good. Takes it out on me.

OP posts:
RubyFakeLips · 19/04/2021 17:34

If it isn't GTA it will be something else.

As frustrating as this is for you, it's a behaviour management issue within your home and not really about a game. The GTA thing will pass and there will be some other issue you don't agree on in the future.

Is there anywhere you can seek support for his behaviour?

Username100000 · 19/04/2021 17:34

I'm actually in the same boat. My ds is 13 with ADHD, asd and learning difficulties. All his friends will play GTA and it a big no no in my house. I have thought about contacting school, he's in an asd unit and I think the game is so inappropriate I wouldn't let him watch that on TV so I don't understand why he should play a game where he is the one doing it. My stance is they aren't my children and my rules mean games like GTA won't be played in my house. I couldn't care less what his friends play or watch. Stand ur ground and I wish you all the best

Brieminewine · 19/04/2021 17:35

As if the secondary school would send a letter out to parents telling them to stop kids playing a video game based on your complaint 😂

Focus less on what the other kids are doing and more on ways to entertain your own so he’s not constantly badgering you to play it.

Cactusowl · 19/04/2021 17:35

I really understand how you feel.

DS is 12, has ASD/ADHD and was desperate to play GTA like his class friends - I was really reluctant. I did give in, he played for about 15 mins and was actually uncomfortable with the amount of swearing (despite swearing quite a lot himself!) and hasn’t played it since!
I really wouldn’t expect the school to become involved and even if a letter was sent out to remind parents I don’t think it would have an impact.

Sleepisoverrated150 · 19/04/2021 17:39

I played GTA when I was about 13 but I didn’t have any SEN.

My behaviour didn’t change from playing it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t others.

If he really want to play it can you strike a deal. Like a reward chart. take away for bad behaviour and if you see he is behaving worse / coping the swearing you are selling the game? Have ground rules and set consequences in advance?

Maray1967 · 19/04/2021 17:42

My student son has played this for a while - no issues. But when he plays FIFA - I brace myself for the shouting, anger etc. He calms down when we remind him and apologises but has bashed his stuff around in anger. And he is a (normally) very sensible hard working student with a part time job and steady girlfriend.
So in my experience the big problem is the FIFA game.
You have to make a decision on what you will allow and stickbto it. We had this for years with DC1- part of his claims were just that - claims. A group of us parents tackled them when they at one house - we all said they weren’t allowed something and that was that. But it’s harder at secondary when you don’t know the parents. But you have to stick to your rules. Other parents are more or less strict on food or other things, bedtimes etc. They have to accept that they don’t have everything the same as their friends.

stayathomer · 19/04/2021 17:53

One parent household here with a 12 year old who plays GTA. Maybe you should speak with me directly? 🤣
OP clarified she's a single parent too

KenAddams · 19/04/2021 17:54

Why does everyone get their knickers in a twist over GTA?

stayathomer · 19/04/2021 17:58

OP definitely stand your ground but offer alternatives. And they're not all playing GTA- we went through this with fortnite and mobile phones, apparently everyone had them, until you talked to parents and a tiny percentage of them had either. We are a fortnite family and the demise of our family goes back to the day it came in- the arguing, tantrums, inability to tear themselves away... if you don't want GTA in the house do not let it in, answer:every house is different. Best of luck OP!

stayathomer · 19/04/2021 18:04

Why does everyone get their knickers in a twist over GTA?
Because do you really want your kid's escapism to be immersing them in a world of high speed car chases, violence, drink and sex?

Original poster
adhdpunchbag · 19/04/2021 18:23

@RubyFakeLips yes we are being overwhelmed by it all in the midst of getting stuff in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
adhdpunchbag · 19/04/2021 18:24

@Username100000 ta x

OP posts:
Original poster
adhdpunchbag · 19/04/2021 18:27

@Brieminewine it wasn't a complaint and I was more interested in them getting to talk about these issues in a PSHE session more than anything else

OP posts:
Littlefluffyclouds13 · 19/04/2021 18:31

@adhdpunchbag

It’s causing so many problems at home because his close school mates play it and we don’t let him. And it’s not just a case of saying no, end of. With his ADHD diagnosis and potentially ASD the mither and obsessing and moods about it are driving me to distraction. There’s been violence and damage to property.

And yes, some of them do play it. He's played it too at others houses occasionally. We weren't impressed.... We haven’t met his mates but some of them have similar traits to DS and a few are in one parent households. I know how hard it is living with that lethal combination and not to cave in as I’m in the same boat and without the support of his dad and his partner I probably would have done. Because we don’t know he kids we don’t know the parents so have no “in” there either.

Pastoral team at high school are good and I think telling them would a) enable them to discuss it in school with the kids and its (non)appropriateness and b) send a letter to parents reminding them it’s not a game for 12 year olds…. (Something similar happened in primary with Fortnite)

Or AIBU and should just crack on with it as a problem we have to solve on our own? It’s got fuck all to do with school.

Absolutely not your issue or schools.

I work in early years and there's very little I can do if I think a child is playing 'older' games (and if a parent came to report another parent I wouldn't be impressed!)

Eviethyme · 19/04/2021 18:33

Hahaha ohh nooo kids playing GTA. Get a grip

NoisyBirds · 19/04/2021 18:34

My ds wanted GTA at that age as all his friends had it. I said he could have it as long as I sat with him when he played it. He Played it for about 10 minutes and found it extremely boring - and never went on again! In my experience it was more about the “I am allowed to play GTA” than any of them actually wanting to play. I would guess that although his friends are allowed to play it, they don’t actually spend any time playing it. Which your ds might not understand

NamechangedNewbie · 19/04/2021 18:42

My Ds, with both ASD & ADHD, was much more aggressive & hyper-alert when he played FIFA - I cannot even begin to tell you the damage caused with that game.

GTA was a breeze tbh. And nothing like I expected it to be.

Embroideredstars · 19/04/2021 18:49

Its not up to school to police this and they can't really. They can send a letter out reminding parents these games aren't age appropriate but that is it.

Parents usually know their children are playing them and endorse it.

Darkstar4855 · 19/04/2021 18:53

I would let him play it but supervise and talk about the issues. Kids are exposed to so much of this stuff through school, mobile phones etc. I’d rather mine learnt about it under guidance from me. It must be really hard for him missing out on playing with his friends especially if he’s already got ASD to contend with when forming relationships with others.

Theunamedcat · 19/04/2021 18:57

I dont allow gta in my house because of this my youngest has been busted watching YouTubers playing gta I threatened him with kids youtube and restricting him to peppa pig he doesn't watch it anymore

Its not worth the degradation in behaviour honestly playing pokemon tonight is bad enough

OldWivesTale · 19/04/2021 19:06

Why won't you let him play it? Yes, I know it's a horrible game but sit down and talk to him about it, that you don't like the message it sends out, the misogyny blah, blah but that he can have a trial on it maybe? My ds has adhd and as PP said, the only game that we had to ban was FIFA. I don't know why but it would send him into a rage - and that's quite common apparently. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Being part of the gaming community is really important for boys of this age and he will be left out if he can't play the same games as everyone else.

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