Toxic Inlaws

[chungusamungus]

I’m hoping the purveyors of good advice here can help me out with a particular problem.

I (F41) and my husband (41) live far away from the inlaws. They are difficult people (MIL highly narcissistic, FIL an argumentative, right-wing alcoholic), who absolutely hate each other.

Whenever we visit we usually have to stay for a few days due to the distance. The visit is always dominated by FIL’s drunken political rants (he repeats himself ad-infinitum), and MIL’s absolute venom towards her husband. It makes for a very tense and toxic atmosphere.

We have just come back from a long visit visit where our every movement was pre-decided by FIL (he likes to think that he is a patriarch of a great dynasty, and therefore controls itinerary and movements down to the what we eat and when). He is super controlling, and every decision he makes is met with bitterness and bitchy questioning from MIL.

There is now talk that we will go for another visit soon. I am tired of pretending that everything is normal with them.

Am I being unreasonable to say that I have had enough of these visits? There is no enjoyment in seeing them. MIL seems to use my husband as a bitchy soundboard to attack FIL. FIL responds by drinking himself into a stupor. Husband comes home depressed, drained of energy but still feeling as though he needs to support them.

We have children (11 and 9) who both adore their grandparents but are beginning to notice that they constantly row, and that FIL drinks far too much.

YANBU but you might be adding another level of stress depending on how you go about discussing this.

If you say you refuse to go there, then does that leave your OH taking your children, then the three of them are stuck there without your support. You can opt out of seeing them but its not likely to be anywhere NEAR so easy for them.

IF everyone is happy to go LC/NC with them.. great, but if they aren't.. ugh.

Is hiring a digger and dropping the IL in a large hole one of your available options?

Stay at an air B&B and keep the drop ins short... Or meet at our door events. Take a picnic. Lessen fil's control of your visit..

You really don"t have to stay for a few days because of the distance. Visit at Christmas and for their birthdays. Stay in a hotel overnight.

Encourage regular video calls with the kids.

I do think it's pretty normal to cede control of what you're eating to your hosts, but I understand there's a lot more to it than that. If he's being weird and not feeding you then you vote with your feet and choose when to be in their house.

Ooh and lots of "learning moments" re politics with the kids on the way home. OP

How often are you expected to visit them? If it's so far away that you have to stay over for a few nights, surely not too frequently due to school/work... can you make plans in the holidays that restrict available visiting time, by combining a visit with something else - e.g. en route to a friend's house, a scheduled event (wedding etc), a holiday destination... anything that means you could justify a shorter visit but still ticks that box?

Alternatively could your DH go alone/with children at least once, to see how they get on? Either it might actually be ok, or DH will realise that it really isn't ok without you there as support/buffer and accept that going less frequently/for a shorter time is the way forward.

I agree with pp regarding hotel or air bnb.

How often do you visit at the moment? The kids are getting older and teenagers may want to spend holidays / bank holiday weekends with friends / activities/ clubs rather then at granny and granddad especially if they notice the toxic environment.

Also I dont necessarily see why you need to facilitate these visits if dad wants to take the kids to see his parents let him crack on.

Regarding political ideas I think at the age there at there is no harm in talking ( in an age appropiate manner) about politics. I think newsround often do some stuff on it. DSS is also 9 and he has seen some politics on there and we have discussed things around it. You could also use you FILto highlight the point that alot of people disagree on politics and it's ok to have a different opinion but it's important to be open to listening to other people and be polite in the way we talk about it. I appreciate by the sounds of it your FIL isnt behaving like this but you can still emphasise the point.

I don't see that you have to go at all. Certainly not on regular visits.

If DH wants to go then let him. You can stay at home and give the children the choice of whether to go or not.

I couldn't inflict that toxic behavior on my kids or myself but if my husband wanted to visit he'd be welcome to go on his own without me as a buffer and he might have his eyes opened .

How far away exactly are they? And YANBU at all, but YABU to subject your children to that type of behaviour. It is not good at all for your children and if your DH wants to go, he should go but I don't think it's appropriate for young innocent children to be forced to be in that environment. It's very detrimental to them and I am surprised neither yourself or your husband ever stopped to think of the impact and effect on the children subjecting them to that verbally abusive atmosphere. I would go NC and let the children decide when they're 16 or adults if they want to be near their grandparents. Right now you should be protecting them and not subjecting them to that behaviour. What do they gain from it? Nothing but fear, is all I can see. Why have you never stopped to think of them?

Stay nearby so you drop in and leave when fil starts getting drunk. I really wouldn’t want my kids staying in that environment

I'm with CokeDrinker.

I'd opt out and let your husband visit - if he can bothered without your in-put. The children can decide for themselves.