My partner and I have been together for almost 11 years, and we have a wonderful eight year old son together. Our relationship has always been quite tempermental, but generally we get on, and I think we parent well together. However, the past two years have been quite turbulent.
Two years ago we relocated to a new town, primarily to be closer to my family. Sadly, about six months after we moved, my mother passed away unexpectedly. This obviously took me by surprise, and was really upsetting. I had always had a rocky, but ultimately loving relationship with my mother, however we weren't on the best of terms when she died. I feel like I had a lot to process with her death, both emotionally, and practically, and I spent a lot of the next few months in a state of shock and sadness. I cried myself to sleep a lot at this time.
When we relocated two years ago, we removed my son from his old school, and started home educating him. This was going well, and everyone was on board with the whole process. However, when my mother died I struggled to be able to cope with everything, and my partner took on the lion's share of home educating. I spent a lot of time either at work, or with my father and sister organising the practicalities of settling her estate, etc. I admit I had less time for my partner, and less head space to be able to home educate. At this time, I think I would have happily sent my son back to school, but my partner was keen to continue. (This is pre-corona, and the nationwide lockdown schooling we have all just been through). As part of homeschooling activities, my partner would spend one or two days a week with another mother and her two children. They would go for walks together, and clubs together and generally enjoy each others company, as he and I seemed to spend less and less time communicating. He ended up sleeping on the sofa every night, and I would dread coming home, to be ignored. I became jealous of the time they would spend together and the friendship they had. I don't think that anything happened between them (she is married), but I do think there is a sort of chemistry between them. In fact, my partner has admitted as much, although perhaps not - this is when I think maybe I'm just crazy, or am I being overly sensitive, or am I being intuitive? Jealousy really sucks!!
At this time, I think he became depressed - a thing he has suffered with on-and-off over the years. It manifests as him going into what I call his "cave". When he does this, he becomes completely unresponsive. He locks himself away, blanking me, being silent, rejecting me physically in every way. He started to go into this state again, and I just didn't have the strength to deal with his mood, and my sadness, and home schooling. I put on a brave face with my son, but retreated emotionally from my partner. Then Febuary came, and we went on holiday with friends to Greece. It was the first time in months we seemed to enjoy each other's company. Shortly after this, lockdown happened, and we moved again from our small flat, to my mother's larger home. Since then everything has been better for us. My son now goes to the local school, my partner and I have been getting on better . For several months, he continued to reject me physically, but eventually we decided that without a physical relationship, we might need to reassess what our relationship is about, and where it is going. He moved back into our bedroom, and all was going quite well for a while. That is until he arranged another play date with the homeschool mum. I just couldn't help myself, and I told him that I was jealous of their friendship. He criticised me, saying that I always notice the faults in people, that I am always negative. He also said that he feels trapped. He says that my reaction to their meeting is nothing to do with them - it's to do with my father having an affair and leaving my family when I was a teenager, and my ex-partner leaving me for another woman. I suppose I do have issues with this that I carry with me, and I probably do continue to process these emotions.
That night, I ended up sobbing in bed. Really sobbing. It was like the early days of grieving again. I suddenly became overwhelmed with past sadness - my mother, my father, my past realtionship, my jealousy. So he left the room, moved back out of my bedroom, and has retreated into his cave again. He has literally locked himself in his bedroom for the past 48 hours. I needed him to look after our son for a couple of hours while I worked, but he didn't get up, so luckily my sister took our son for this time.
I am really angry with him for retreating in this way, and my son is also really upset with him (my partner, from his bed, told my son and I to "go away" yesterday, and hasn't spoken to us since then). I tell my son that he is ill, and needs to rest, and that he does love him, but my son is clearly upset and angry.
Basically, am I being unreasonable to want to express my emotions (ie. jealousy - not an attractive or desirable or nice emotion, but a real one nevertheless), or should I hold it all in? He doesn't have many other friends, and I don't want to stop him from seeing anyone, but I can't help how I feel. He says he feels trapped.
Sorry for the rant, I just feel like I need a new perspective on it. I'm so tired of going around in circles.
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AIBU?
Do I have anything to be jealous about, or am I over reacting? If so, should I keep my emotions to myself?
38 replies
Liviava · 18/04/2021 22:16
OP posts:
billy1966 ·
19/04/2021 08:34
@startrek90
Honestly op, I rarely comment on these sorts of posts but whenever I hear 'temperamental' or 'turbulent' to describe a relationship, I just hear toxic drama instead. I can't say what your partner is or isn't doing with this woman, but at this point I don't think it matters. This is not a healthy relationship for either of you, or for your son.
I think a come to jesus moment is called for here. A big sit down, lay cards on the table discussion. You both have got to be able to talk about difficult emotions/feelings without the other retreating. If you can't do that then you don't have a partnership at all.
I think a come to jesus moment is called for here. A big sit down, lay cards on the table discussion. You both have got to be able to talk about difficult emotions/feelings without the other retreating. If you can't do that then you don't have a partnership at all.
This.
He sounds awful and emotionally abusive.
Your poor son.
I'm sure that is not the worst of it.
Your child is being reared in a deeply toxic environment.
I am so sorry for your loss but this man sounds like a selfish, toxic arse.
Protect your poor son who sounds like he is being damaged by your toxic relationship.
You have inherited your mothers house?
This is good he can move out and do his man cave bullshit elsewhere.
I know you are processing huge loss but you need to draw the strength from somewhere and look honestly at your poor child in the middle of years of drama.
Your relationship is over.
Stop flogging a dead toxic horse and focus on your child's needs.
VegCheeseandCrackers ·
19/04/2021 09:53
OP I'm sorry to hear about your mum
I would say you both sound like you've been suffering mentally. I really think you both need to stop this toxic cycle and sit down as adults and make a decision about whether this is actually working because it really doesn't sound like it is at all.
If you keep this up you risk your son growing up with issues from growing up in a toxic environment.
It sounds to me like you're not getting on well but put on a brave face for holidays etc and then it all goes back to the way it was before. This is no way to live for any of you.
ForThePurposeOfTheTape ·
19/04/2021 11:12
It's not unreasonable to think it's unfair that this friend isn't get the cave treatment. And it's not unreasonable to want to be close to him as she is. You're both tired of the grind of life.
Based on your post there's no way to know if this is an affair or a distraction for him. It's probably liberating pretending to be happy for the duration or the outings because things are so crap for both of you and there's seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel. 
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