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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pay someones water bill as a thank you?

61 replies

LetSophieGo · 18/04/2021 21:29

Hypothetical, so not about me.

But supposing you were at the end of a tenancy when covid started, a very good friend allows you to stay with them, rent free, until it's 'over' and you can look for a new rental with ease.

You are on just below average income, choose to rent and have no dependants. You also have a 48k 'emergency pot'.
The friend is on a very, very low income and has no dependants.

After a year of living with the friend, and they have asked you for nothing (owns house so no rent, mortgage, etc), would you offer them a gesture of maybe paying off their yearly water or council tax bill?

I am not the friend or the hypothetical lodger, and I have no horse in this race, but someone asked me and I have no idea.
Personally, I would, as a year rent free with no outgoings is a luxury.

What do you think, AIBU to think that would be a decent thing to do?
The person has offered to pay utilities and whatnot all through but their offer has been refused.

OP posts:
Dasher789 · 18/04/2021 22:43

@sinner10 they are friends but the friend making the big sacrifice of having a non paying housemate for the year is also the friend on the breadline. Friendship works both ways and the financially comfortable friend is taking advantage whether by choice or not. The friend who owns the house potentially feels awkward agreeing to take money. The whole thing is a bit odd as when the home owner agreed to letting the friend stay, lockdown had only just begun. Most people assumed it would be over within the month. She probably did not bank on having someone living with her for a year and potentially feels awkward going back on her word and accepting money if she had said nothing was needed to start with

Original poster
LetSophieGo · 19/04/2021 02:16

Am used to MN and AIBU so don't give a fuck about the crew;)

have taken views onboard, will tell friend, thanks very much all of you!

OP posts:
Original poster
LetSophieGo · 19/04/2021 02:19

[quote Dasher789]@sinner10 they are friends but the friend making the big sacrifice of having a non paying housemate for the year is also the friend on the breadline. Friendship works both ways and the financially comfortable friend is taking advantage whether by choice or not. The friend who owns the house potentially feels awkward agreeing to take money. The whole thing is a bit odd as when the home owner agreed to letting the friend stay, lockdown had only just begun. Most people assumed it would be over within the month. She probably did not bank on having someone living with her for a year and potentially feels awkward going back on her word and accepting money if she had said nothing was needed to start with[/quote]
yo, she did offer for a year, she pretty much advised the entire thing, so don't be presumptuous.
it is difficult trying to pay someone who won't be paid, not everything is black and white.

all will be well, thanks folks.

OP posts:
MakingPlans21 · 19/04/2021 03:14

Disgraceful behaviour from the sponging lodger. So much squirrelled away while the supposed friend is living hand to mouth. Depending on market value if rent, utilities etc 5 to 10 thousand in an envelope with a thank you card and some bills paid.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/04/2021 07:04

Is there a reason why the homeowner won't accept a contribution?

What is the 'very very low income'? Is benefit entitlement an issue? Is the person worried about losing benefits and being worse off when the lodger leaves? I know you can rent a room for a fairly substantial sum without needing to pay tax, but I don't know if you're allowed to do this while receiving benefits.

Paying the council tax bill would be a good start, that's likely to be the biggest bill. After all, if they've declared the lodger, the single person discount will have been lost and possibly any council tax support if relevant.

Is the homeowner worried about the life admin aspect of this? Stopping and starting council tax discounts for example?

It's all very well calling the lodger a CF, but it does sound like they're trying to contribute, but are being blocked by a very stubborn brick wall.

I'm not sure if cash or paypal is the solution as there's a risk that the money just sits there unclaimed or unused.

Tough one, have they been able to have a sensible conversation about why the homeowner won't accept a reasonable contribution from the lodger or are they just being stubborn about the situation, possibly out of a misplaced sense of pride?

LakieLady · 19/04/2021 07:27

Sorry to sidetrack, but I'm intrigued as to where this is where the council tax and the water are roughly the same. My water is £34 a month, my council tax (band C) is £128 a month, and that's with the single person discount.

Anyway, I think it would be a lovely thing to do. It would give the skint one more disposable income.

Sleepingdogs12 · 19/04/2021 08:12

I couldn't have lived somewhere rent and bills free for a year and so would have found a way to move on , it is a weird dynamic to force on someone unless you are maybe close family or they are completely on their uppers. I would work out the cost of bills and put it in the account saying if you don't want the money donate it to charity.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/04/2021 08:15

I don't understand why people think the lodger has imposed themselves on the homeowner or taken advantage.

The lodging arrangement sounds like it's by mutual agreement and maybe the homeowner likes the company or help around the house/garden?

Plus it sounds like the lodger has more than tried to pay and has been repeatedly refused.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/04/2021 08:20

If the lodger has the PayPal details, then why not transfer £300 per month or similar to contribute to their share of rent/Bills?

Water bill will only be half of what they should have paid.

Pupster21 · 19/04/2021 08:22

I’d have felt very uncomfortable as the lodger in that position and would have moved out after the first wave if the friend refused to accept rent or me paying entirely for some bills.
I think paying council tax for the year and the yearly water bill will help make up for it. Perhaps a treat holiday or weekend away too which the friend sounds like she wouldn’t be able to afford. The renting friend has 48k in savings so can afford it, it’s been her choice to not have the stability and pay rent which is more expensive than a mortgage.

notanothertakeaway · 19/04/2021 08:28

I would try to find out why the house owner didn't want payment. It could affect their benefit entitlement, or they didn't want the lodger to gain any rights as a lodger. Or maybe they just wanted to be generous. There could be valid reasons for the owner declining payment and it might be disrespectful to force them to accept funds

But the lodger has had a very good deal here, and it would be good to show appreciation. Perhaps offer to make a generous donation to a charity of the owner's choice?

InTheNightWeWillWish · 19/04/2021 08:55

I’d probably sit down with the friend and explain that even if they didn’t want rent, they should take the increased utility costs. They’ve been there a year so can easily work out the increase in water, gas, electric and council tax. Then if the friend still doesn’t want to take it as a lump sum, I think they should offer the money towards a home improvement or a treat, as they may not want the lump sum in their bank. If that fails, I would ask the friend what charity she wants that money donated to her in her name. If they make it clear that money is not staying in their account any longer, so it can go to the friend, her house or a charity close to her heart. Hopefully she’ll then accept it.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 08:57

I don’t understand how your friend could have let this situation go on for a year-sponging off her friend without sorting out a proper financial arrangement or moving out so she wasn’t adding to the bills

You might understand if you actually read the information given Hmm

youcancallmequeene · 19/04/2021 09:01

@LetSophieGo I can actually understand this situation as this is exactly the sort of person a member of my family is.

They'd give you the shirt off their back whilst struggling and never accept a penny. The only way we have been able to "repay" them has either been to pay for their holiday as a "thank you" or to pay a bill and literally not mention it. It's paid. Job done. They can't refuse once it's paid 😂.

Some people really do feel uncomfortable accepting anything from others. They offer because it's in their nature and they care, not because they want anything in return. Their internal values tell them that accepting "payment" would be wrong when they agreed to the terms.

Hope you get it sorted!

eatsleepread · 19/04/2021 09:05

Simply offering isn't good enough. It has to be forced! I personally wouldn't have been able to stay under those circumstances. The host has been lovely and incredibly generous, and I'd feel like I was taking advantage by living rent free.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2021 09:06

You might understand if you actually read the information given
I have read it. The friend still had a choice here.

senua · 19/04/2021 09:06

The lodger has offered money, the householder has refused it. I think it would be a bad move to force money on them by, for example, putting money in their bank account. Especially if it messes up Benefits.

If the householder won't accept money for day-to-day costs, could the lodger offer to pay for a capital project eg new boiler, decorating, garden makeover?

VenetoResident · 19/04/2021 09:07

Has the friend notified the council the lodger is there? Because presumably without a lodger their council tax would be cheaper.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 09:29

I have read it. The friend still had a choice here

Read it again until you grasp the concepts involved.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2021 09:33

@IbrahimaRedTwo

I have read it. The friend still had a choice here

Read it again until you grasp the concepts involved.

Clearly we disagree here. There’s no real need for any further discussion.
SE13Mummy · 19/04/2021 09:44

That sounds like a really tricky situation. Has the friend now moved out or are they still living there? I don't think depositing money in a PayPal account is the way forward but if they have access to the reference number for the council tax and the account number for the water bill then covering the cost of those for the next 12 months sound as though they would make a real difference to both parties.

YellowTwinklyStar · 19/04/2021 10:03

I would absolutely insist on paying and explain how offended and upset I am that they are refusing to accept my offers of payment

VodkaSlimline · 19/04/2021 10:05

Surely if she's living there she has access to the bills? I'd just pay the utility companies directly (including enough for next year as well) and deny all knowledge if friend ever mentioned it.

YellowGlasses · 19/04/2021 10:07

I think it would be appropriate to pay something as a contribution but check the person being paid isn’t on any benefits of anything that a lump sum might impact.

If you can get the utility bills, you should be able to arrange payment online (or a cheque in the post) to ensure a lump sum credit directly towards them.

Beetlewing · 19/04/2021 10:16

Yes I would. It's a nice gesture and takes into account the financial impact the lodger must have had