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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you stay with your dh if the sex life dropped off??

14 replies

Flowers24 · 18/04/2021 18:39

Been together since we were teenagers and have 2 kids, he always had a high sex drive. He started anti d's a while back now for a long term issue and whilst it has massively helped that issue, he has no sex drive now. He admitted the other day he feels no desire for it at all. I on the other hand seem to want to do it more?? Its only once every 6 weeks now if Im lucky.
Would you consider not staying together if this goes on long term?? We get on well in every way but this is now bothering me, don't want to talk to him too much about it as can tell he is embarrased.

I guess I should be thankful he is better mentally now rather than sex, its just sex after all??

OP posts:

VettiyaIruken · 18/04/2021 18:42

I would. Am. But I'm happy with it.
You aren't. That's what matters, not what others would do.

BigButtons · 18/04/2021 18:47

Well sex matters too to a lot of people.it certainly does to me.
The trouble with ADs is that they can have a bad effect on your sex drive.
Is he likely to be on them for the foreseeable or is there a plan to stop taking them at some point?

LorrieF · 18/04/2021 18:51

I think it’s definitely a difficult situation to be in that’s for sure. I met my dh when I was 18 and he was 20. We’ve been together 20 years now and sex is just as important to us now than it was in the beginning. I think for me if sex tapered off because of things out of mine or his control then I wouldn’t consider leaving him but if it was a case of he wasn’t attracted to me anymore or just couldn’t be bothered then I’d definitely consider it.

What I will say though is this. My mental health wasn’t great a few years ago and I also started on anti depressants. My sex drive didn’t go completely but it went down that’s for sure. I’d felt so bad on my dh as it was rare that I could get in the mood but the fact he was understanding and didn’t make me feel pressured really helped and eventually I felt more like my normal self and our sex life improved.

All i can advise is don’t make your dh feel pressured but at the same time continue talking and encourage him to open up as you never know he might feel really bad about things. Like I said sex is really important to me too so don’t feel bad as you have needs too and that’s normal. If everything else in your relationship is going well then I wouldn’t throw in the towel yet. Mental health is so important and it’s good your dh feels better in himself. Sex will undoubtedly improve in time so try and be patient with him.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/04/2021 18:58

It's worth a word with his GP, a switch to a different AD might still keep his mood stable and not have the same dampening effect on his drive. Loss of libido is a perefectly valid reason to find a specific AD unsuitable, there are plenty of others he could try and not have such a massive side effect.

CallmeHendricks · 18/04/2021 19:00

Of course I would stay.

But that doesn't mean that would work for everyone.

JaffaRaf · 18/04/2021 19:07

Will he be on anti depressants for ever? Can he consider switching to a different type to see if it helps? I think considering leaving if you’ve not discussed/tried making changes that would be a real shame. My sex drive disappeared completely when I had post natal depression and after a while it took a toll on our relationship, but we talked about it regularly, DH was patient and eventually post natal depression went away and our sex life is better than ever now. It took effort from both of us to make our relationship work and I’m so glad he didn’t leave me over it. Ultimately you have to do what’s right for your own life though.

Aprilshowersandhail · 18/04/2021 19:11

Imo he needs to speak to his Dr and try a different prescription

They don't all cause this issue

Stellaris22 · 18/04/2021 19:16

Seconding talking to GP about the issue. When I was an AD's it had a huge effect on my libido, so understand how your husband feels. It really bothered me as I felt really guilty that I had no interest, and I know it's an important part of a relationship.

If it's the only issue I wouldn't say it's something to leave over, but definitely discuss with GP about alternative medication.

Hope you can get some help.

LouKelly · 18/04/2021 19:18

You really need to sort this out quickly as the longer this goes on the more it will bother you ,if you two really love each other you can sort it ,what would happen if a man you like and found attractive made a pass at you ? In 6 months ? In a year ? Your resolve and loyalty may weaken the longer your needs arent being met ,for the moment i would satisfy myself if you know what i mean ,that should suffice for a while but probably not for ever ,this is a threat to you marriage and you and he need to sort it in a way that you are both happy with ,communicate but be sensitive and loving ,let him know that its HIM you want not just sex itself .

BagORats · 18/04/2021 19:19

My OHs sex drive tanked and we haven't had it for a couple of years but the life we are building together, the affection, knowing everything about each other and the way we go through life as equals means more to me than sex. There's no way I would throw away what we have for the sake of sex

BuyYourOwnBBQGlenda · 18/04/2021 19:22

Not if it was for no reason but in your situation, yes I would stay. There are more types of anti depressants. He could consult a GP about a different Anti-D or lowering the dose when he's feeling more robust.

There also might be things that still get him in the mood like having a TV free night, both having a bath and then getting into bed with no pressure and seeing what happens.

I really feel for you, this would be hard for me.

BuyYourOwnBBQGlenda · 18/04/2021 19:25

Also I do think you need to talk about it. He may be embarrassed but if staying quiet is leading you to think about leaving it's probably worth mustering up the courage.

avidavocado · 18/04/2021 19:39

I do really think I would stay, though know I'm not in your situation. I think it is worth him speaking to the GP. Antidepressants aren't meant to be for the long term, so he could even come off them gradually? Or do some psychological work now (even privately if it is an option), beforehand.

BrilliantBetty · 18/04/2021 19:51

Tbh it could be a lot worse that once every six weeks. I would be able to make do with that if I enjoyed my DH company in other ways.

There are no guarantees finding someone else who I enjoy spending time with and has a similar sex drive would come along anytime soon. And I might miss the companionship of DH - plus it's better for the kids to be raised in a secure family if at all possible (no deep unhappiness or abuse).

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