Not a nice topic

[Meme2019]

If you don’t have close Friends and family, how do you prepare for the worst.

My husband and I don’t have close friends, not one we can really say to incase the worst happens would you take care of our children.

We both have family, husband has brothers but they are not close and don’t really talk to each other, they don’t even say happy birthday on their birthdays.

I have family too, but we are so different in our values, and they are not very financially responsible people. They don’t respect my values, opinions now I can’t imagine they would do so incase the worst happens.

My anxious side is then left wondering what would happen to my kids?

We have life insurance, however no other plans.

In all honesty, I looked into boarding schools as an option and made sure my life insurance payout was large enough to cover the fees.

We do have family friends and relatives who would be good executors, but aren't best placed to look after children full time.

@meme2019 You say your family arent financially responsible. If that is the main barrier then there are things you could put in place (sich as atrust funds etc) which would enable in your death that there is money there to look after your child but that it isnt spent too fast/on the wrong things. If the other "values" etc are dealbreakers too then that makes it much harder (I have relatives I share different opinions on just about everything on but I know if it came to it they would raise my children with love if not how I would at least well enough). However different values can cover a wide range of things. In which case I would, honestly. try to identify the people you know with the most suitable set up and similar values to yours and try to deepen the friendship somehow.

With all due respect they may not share your values but would they love and care for your children albeit in a different way to how you would?
Isn't that the most important?

@sweeneytoddsrazor

With all due respect they may not share your values but would they love and care for your children albeit in a different way to how you would? Isn't that the most important?

I thought that at first, but then I realised "different values" is often a euphanism for "beat me as a child" or "likes to picket abortion clinics with sad-faced children in tow" etc. So it depends what the OP meant really...

'In all honesty, I looked into boarding schools as an option and made sure my life insurance payout was large enough to cover the fees.'

Family op. You may not be close or share values but we can only hope they'd offer dc a loving home if both parents died. It is, I imagine, a rare event anyway.

Yes, it is difficult to think about. But maybe consider that life 'in care' isn't a bed of roses. Whilst some foster carers are fabulous, a lot aren't great & some are abusive.

Out of all the people you know, who would love them and care about them the most? They're not you, they're not maybe 'ideal' but are they better than the care system?

Then ask them, get the legal (including your will) sorted and don't think too much about it anymore. It's very rare to lose both parents when you're too young to care for yourself.

You can change it later on too if there turns out to be a better option.

Watching with interest.

DH and I have a similar problem. We only have one sibling between us and they already have more DCs than they can manage. Our parents are too old. I honestly don't know.

In a similar situation here. DH and I are expecting our fourth child and although we have a lot of family and friends, we wouldn't know who would take on 4 children. Family live about 2-300 miles away, friends are close but either have kids or don't want kids. DH is older than me so I also worry if he goes first how will I cope with 4 children. My sister is most likely to take the kids if we both go, but she has her own child and works full time so I wouldn't even know if she could manage them.

Candycane57
What you can control is life insurance. Ideally enough so if your husband died you could raise them without having to work/ same for if you passed your husband raised them, and enough so if your sister took them on she could stop work or at least go part time (more difficult if she is a high earner).

If you both die and the children go into state care, you'll have no say at all on who fosters them what "values" or lifestyle their fosterparents have.

We are in the same position :(

Have good life cover, so your estate can pay for the children's upkeep

Consider setting up a trust so solicitor can manage any £ you leave to your children

Maintain a healthy lifestyle to reduce the risk of premature death so far as possible

Ultimately, you have to accept that, if a member of your family is kind enough to take in your children, you have to trust them to do the best they can, even if their approach may be different from yours

At least there’s 2 of you, unlikely you will both die. Try being a lone parent with no family

It’s v sensible to make provision, OP, but it is very rare for both parents to die simultaneously. More likely is one of you being widowed, but even that isn’t exactly common.
I lost my DH to a brain haemorrhage when the DC were babies. They were the only kids with no dad throughout their primary schooling, although a few had dads who lived apart following divorce.
Even in my own childhood, sixty years ago, I only recall one classmate who had been orphaned and adopted - her parents had died in a car crash.

Given the shortage of children for adoption, I’m sure if there were no suitable relatives, social services would have a long list of suitable willing couples for placement.

I would consider what the real issues are with values. Some might be a deal breaker, others not. It's difficult to think about people with really different views raising your kids but I think it's important to realise that we just can't control every little thing in these scenarios.

Another possibility is friends. My dh and I will be the guardians of the kids of friends of ours if they were both to die, and are happy to do so.

Having split with my ex and the eldest refuses to have anything to do with him, the eldest would go to his sister and have the choice of staying with her or moving to the UK with my parents, the youngest two would go to him

@janiiejones - not everyone is blessed with a good family, mines demon was alcoholism- it would be a cold day in hell before I subjected my kids to that.

Alot changes in life, many family members have had dramatic unforseen changes in circumstances- so faced with planning the unplannable, at least leaving enough provision for boarding school would give options, rather than leaving them with local authority care.

My kids are also older, so being a parent to a cute toddler or young primary is a completely different ask to a bereaved teenager.

'Alot changes in life, many family members have had dramatic unforseen changes in circumstances- so faced with planning the unplannable, at least leaving enough provision for boarding school would give options, rather than leaving them with local authority care.'

Well yes they'd have consistent education but that's about it. I think even boarders tend to go to a home at some point, perhaps school holidays and Christmas. In the vanishing rare event that both parents died and you did not have one friend or family member to be guardians then I think they would be put in foster care even if boarding for educational purposes.

Tbh there's no difference, boarding school is being in care.