I used to be on these boards a lot around 4 years ago. I have to say being a SM was absolute hell! I had SDs and the two older ones were always trying to compete with me and resented me.
I used to have the SDs every weekend. But all the SDs could do whatever they wanted, go between houses. It ended up just a manipulation tool, no one knew where they were half the time. Asked to tidy their room by Mum? Off to Dads. Told not to do homework? Off to Mums.
I raised this with DP and said we need more structure, regular times, the SDs have too much power. I got slated so I backed off.
The SDs stopped coming 4 years ago completely. They decided that their Dad was OK for cash, and for lifts (every day to Uni and back). He was devastated. At the time, youngest SD was 15. Their mum was away a lot with her BF in another country, they liked having a house to themselves and stopped all weekend visits. Only came to the house 3x in all that time.
But I got blamed for the SDs not coming. One SD was pressed by their Aunt to explain why they didn’t bother to visit their Dad anymore - and said it ‘was because I didn’t like her’. As a result my relationship broke down and the family still don’t speak to me. No one gave me a chance to defend myself. It was news to me, I had done nothing, in fact the last time I’d even seen that particular SD was when she asked me to look after her when she was sick, and I did. I felt scapegoated.
Fast forward to today. I have two children and DP still here but we are separating. It’s not been easy but I’ve made the home structured, homely and secure. Without drama and without conflict.
One of the SDs came back to live with us last year and has been really happy. I think this was because she just needed one home and some consistent parenting for a while. I think sometimes being a SM you do get slated for asking for boundaries, structure, you get all the blame but sometimes you are right - that the kids lose out on just having one main home where someone has an eye on their development.
AIBU in that the SM isn’t always the bad guy?
I know plenty of people say that loose arrangements work, that kids choosing is great, that being 50/50 is the best. I found the total opposite. The step kids chose the house without a parent, or the house with less rules. And I think it had consequences.
The SD who moved back in was 19. She had developed severe anxiety (before the pandemic) and was hospitalised a couple of times. In quite a bad way actually. Had counseling, medication etc but nothing working. Her Mum was at home more, but could not cope and was having a bit of a breakdown, the mum was phoning up my partner at all hours, shouting & crying.
At one point last year DP was called out as SD was in a bad way, he took her to our house. She was shaking for hours totally out of her mind. I asked if she wanted to stay and she did for months.
SD has now completely recovered. She’s stable and not anxious at all. She says she really likes our home and feels reassured that there are always adults around. I think she just needed some stable parenting and security for a while.