WIBU to call myself Cassandra?

Cassandraprobs · 2021-04-18T12:10:30+00:00

(disclaimer, mostly lighthearted!) Cassandra as in Greek mythology who made true prophecies but they would never be believed. DH and dc have an irritating habit of expecting me to know what to do/be in charge but repeatedly don't take what I say seriously. Not too serious a problem to be fair but I feel like calling myself Cassandra round the house to run the point home [grin] Example; (Eating out) DH - "I really fancy the spag bol" Me: "Oh, ok - that always gives you really bad indigestion remember?" DH: "Does it? Oh, I think last time I just ate too much" Me: "No, you say any time you have it you get a really bad belly" DH: "Oh, well I'll just eat a bit" Me: "Ok" DH later - "I've got horrendous indigestion, I feel awful" Me: (looking after him half the night because he gets quite ill with it) "Maybe you should steer clear of spag bol" DH: "yeah, I'll have to remember not to eat it again" *bash head on wall* This happens almost daily over small things, I've tried just not pointing it out and hoping natural consequences kick in but DH just doesn't seem to pick up on cause and effect and dc seems to have followed suit. Or the consequences aren't on him/them! When the consequences are pointed out it's just "oh well, sorry, I didn't know" - maybe listen then!! Anyone else get the same at home?

Justmuddlingalong · 18/04/2021 13:13

Yip. I just say "told ye" now. I save my sympathy for when it's needed and deserved.

BlueDahlia69 · 18/04/2021 13:14

Refuse to make it

sunflowersandbuttercups · 18/04/2021 13:16

I would just let him get on with it and not say anything. He's an adult, he can deal with the consequences of his shit memory/poor choices.

Original poster

Cassandraprobs · 18/04/2021 13:16

@BlueDahlia69

Refuse to make it

That particular one is while eating out, so I either turn into controlling partner or let him go ahead and ignore me. Some things you can control, like not making food etc but most things I'd have to be so controlling to get round!

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BlueDahlia69 · 18/04/2021 13:17

Aahh this is unfortunate

Original poster

Cassandraprobs · 18/04/2021 13:18

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I would just let him get on with it and not say anything. He's an adult, he can deal with the consequences of his shit memory/poor choices.

Trouble is half the time it's me taking the consequences, like having to look after him otherwise I'd feel very uncaring or the consequences directly falling on me - like telling him how to wash something properly and him not listening and me getting a bad stomach from something not washed well or something of mine getting broken for example.

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sunflowersandbuttercups · 18/04/2021 13:18

That particular one is while eating out, so I either turn into controlling partner or let him go ahead and ignore me. Some things you can control, like not making food etc but most things I'd have to be so controlling to get round!

Why do you need to say anything at all, though?

Original poster

Cassandraprobs · 18/04/2021 13:19

@sunflowersandbuttercups

That particular one is while eating out, so I either turn into controlling partner or let him go ahead and ignore me. Some things you can control, like not making food etc but most things I'd have to be so controlling to get round!

Why do you need to say anything at all, though?

Because I know the thing he's about to eat gives him awful indigestion and will lead to being up half the night - I can learn from past experience but somehow he can't.

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sunflowersandbuttercups · 18/04/2021 13:21

X-post.

Trouble is half the time it's me taking the consequences, like having to look after him otherwise I'd feel very uncaring or the consequences directly falling on me - like telling him how to wash something properly and him not listening and me getting a bad stomach from something not washed well or something of mine getting broken for example.

If he makes himself unwell, I would leave him to get on with it. If he breaks something, he can cough up and replace it out of his own funds.

I mean, he's an adult, if he chooses to keep making daft decisions, he can deal with the consequences of those decisions. No need to look after him - adults can look after themselves if they choose to eat things they know make them unwell.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 18/04/2021 13:22

Because I know the thing he's about to eat gives him awful indigestion and will lead to being up half the night - I can learn from past experience but somehow he can't.

Meh, I would just leave him to it. His choice - he can deal with the consequences. Maybe that makes me horrible but I have no time for adults who keep making stupid choices and expect others to look after them lol.

KittyVonCatsworth · 18/04/2021 13:22

Oh yes!! My DH is the same with lasagna, he loves it but it gives him indigestion but always insists on having it if we're out. That and McDonald's.

I'm also know where everything is, keys, wallet, mask, water bottle, phone. I'm also a walking talking clock. I am also expected to recollect every movie we've ever watched, every conversation and all birthdays.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/04/2021 13:23

Just let him crack on and you keep quiet. If he can't work out he gets horrendous heartburn after spag bol thats his problem.

Incidentally my first thought with Cassandra was you were married to Rodney

Original poster

Cassandraprobs · 18/04/2021 13:24

@sunflowersandbuttercups

X-post.

Trouble is half the time it's me taking the consequences, like having to look after him otherwise I'd feel very uncaring or the consequences directly falling on me - like telling him how to wash something properly and him not listening and me getting a bad stomach from something not washed well or something of mine getting broken for example.

If he makes himself unwell, I would leave him to get on with it. If he breaks something, he can cough up and replace it out of his own funds.

I mean, he's an adult, if he chooses to keep making daft decisions, he can deal with the consequences of those decisions. No need to look after him - adults can look after themselves if they choose to eat things they know make them unwell.

It's hard to list a lot of examples when they're generally small things that add up but it annoys me because it impacts on me, like being up half the night will wake me up, putting towels away before they're fully dry means I go for a shower and end up with a mouldy smelling towel etc

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Original poster

Cassandraprobs · 18/04/2021 13:25

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Just let him crack on and you keep quiet. If he can't work out he gets horrendous heartburn after spag bol thats his problem.

Incidentally my first thought with Cassandra was you were married to Rodney

Lol, that probably kind of fits too

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FeelinHappy · 18/04/2021 13:26

Have you actually got ill from him washing up so badly that it gave you food poisoning??! That's... unusual in a grown man.

I read a book on parenting teens and it said you need to give them the responsibility for remembering things without your back up, or the pathways in their brains that do the remembering just won't switch on. I'm not saying this is all your fault, clearly he's a grown man and it's his lookout, but it might help in the (very) long term to let him "fail" more. I do get what you mean about the consequences falling on you though.

And keep all conversations in an "adult to adult" framework like you'd do at work. Don't let him push you into a parent & child dynamic.

Original poster

Cassandraprobs · 18/04/2021 13:27

@KittyVonCatsworth

Oh yes!! My DH is the same with lasagna, he loves it but it gives him indigestion but always insists on having it if we're out. That and McDonald's.

I'm also know where everything is, keys, wallet, mask, water bottle, phone. I'm also a walking talking clock. I am also expected to recollect every movie we've ever watched, every conversation and all birthdays.

Yes! And when I refuse to be drawn into it, such as say I don't know where his keys are it wastes MY time waiting for him to look, or if I point out he should know and shouldn't ask me I get the wounded puppy look to say that I should help him (so he doesn't actually have to say it).

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janlevinson · 18/04/2021 13:27

My husband is exactly the same except he does it with bread. Never learns. I don't look after him though.
He's like it with lots of other things too, exactly like yours with the washing up etc. He then gets angry with me if I mention it.

I do often wonder if it's a symptom of some sort of disorder.

growinggreyer · 18/04/2021 13:27

Next time he is up in the night, you need to stay in bed and ignore what is happening. It is 'unwellness theatre' and you are the audience. Stop buying a ticket!

janlevinson · 18/04/2021 13:28

@growinggreyer

Next time he is up in the night, you need to stay in bed and ignore what is happening. It is 'unwellness theatre' and you are the audience. Stop buying a ticket!

This is so true - it is a theatre

SmudgeButt · 18/04/2021 13:29

This morning....

Original poster

Cassandraprobs · 18/04/2021 13:29

@FeelinHappy

Have you actually got ill from him washing up so badly that it gave you food poisoning??! That's... unusual in a grown man.

I read a book on parenting teens and it said you need to give them the responsibility for remembering things without your back up, or the pathways in their brains that do the remembering just won't switch on. I'm not saying this is all your fault, clearly he's a grown man and it's his lookout, but it might help in the (very) long term to let him "fail" more. I do get what you mean about the consequences falling on you though.

And keep all conversations in an "adult to adult" framework like you'd do at work. Don't let him push you into a parent & child dynamic.

I've not had food poisoning for a few years but the number of greasy glasses/dishes I've rewashed before using them is huge so I think that's why to be fair rather than him having good household skills. The parenting and the 'adult to adult' is spot on to be fair, I'm constantly being pushed into parent role and need to work on that.

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sunflowersandbuttercups · 18/04/2021 13:30

I bet you he's not this incompetent at work.

What are the consequences for his laziness incompetence?

SmudgeButt · 18/04/2021 13:30

(oops)

Him - "where's the butter?" (he's cooking so I assume he needs it)
Me - "it's here" (& I take my coffee & yoghurt to the dining room)
Him entering the dining room "why do I have to do everything? why didn't you bring the butter in here?"

head > wall

PinkArt · 18/04/2021 13:35

You can't control what he does, but you can control your response. So if he eats something he knows makes him ill, don't get involved when he's popping to the loo every 5 mins (obvs it's different if he's just ill in general!). That was his choice and you can make yours too.
If he can't find his keys and asks you, again you have a choice. At the moment you are choosing to look for them, but you can chose to say that you don't know and he'll just have to look for them.

Sn0tnose · 18/04/2021 13:45

I can learn from past experience but somehow he can't. But are you learning? You’re reacting to his behaviour in exactly the same way each time, but expecting different results.

If he says he wants the spag bol when you’re eating out, he’s a grown adult, he can have it. You just tell him that if he wants to have it, he needs to sleep on the sofa because you’re not spending half the night awake because he can’t learn from his own mistakes. If he’s not doing housework properly, you tell him that he’s a selfish, lazy, arsehole and no woman on earth finds a faux incapable man sexually attractive. If he’s breaking your things because he’s careless, you tell him that he needs to replace it by the end of the day and, if it continues, you’ll start treating his things with the same care he’s treating yours with. Stop putting up with this shit!