Think I upset my dad :/

[WellLarDeDar]

My parents are desperate for grandkids. It'll happen soon but not imminently. I went to visit them yesterday and grandkids ofc came up and my dad said 'me and your mother want to babysit' and I said 'haha you live a bit far away for that!'. I didn't mean it in a nasty way but he seemed upset :( and I feel like a jerk.They live 90 minutes drive (in good traffic which is a rare thing these days) and normally it's me going to them on a 3h (if I'm lucky) round trip in my rattly old car. It is tiring always being the one travelling and a bit of kick in the purse all the petrol. I work full time and not a high earner, whereas my parents retired at 50 and have a very sweet retirement and are fit and healthy. So I suppose there's an underlying annoyance for me that they only visit me once a year at best whereas I will go to theirs at least every other month (bar during COVID ofc). It's been like this since I moved out at 18 and I'm 30 now!

I honestly didn't mean to be unkind though, I guess I just blurted it out without thinking. But now I've considered it, DH and I can't be hauling young kids on long drives every week to see their grandparents and I think I would prefer that the kids at least have built up some sort of familiarity with anyone who babysits. As a child I was very shy and struggled around people I didn't know well. Hello early onset anxiety! I trust my parents completely, they are brilliant with children and will no doubt adore their grandkids but idk. What do parents on here think about grandparents spending time with grandkids before babysitting?

Another backstory is that my parents have always lived within 20 min drive of my sister and had planned to move closer to me and I was really looking forward to it as I have no family near me and DHs family is really fragmented so it's a bit sad for us not having that. They changed their mind and I'm disappointed. Am I subconsciously being a dick because I'm upset or do parents on MN think that grandparents should spend time with their grandkids before being left alone with them? Our family has a track history of grandparents favouritizing one set of grandkids and I feel like it's already beginning. My sister (who is younger) is planning for large family whereas DH and I are only planning for a max of 2 (which seems big to me!). But she has our parents and her husband's family who are huge and all really close and live near to each other. My grandparents were all gone when I was young so I didn't get that experience and it was important for me.

Okay so I just spiralled and maybe this goes a bit deeper than a flippant comment :( I guess do you think I was a dick to my dad and do any parents on here feel like their siblings kids get a better grandparent experience or like their parents gravitate towards a sibling. Or feel isolated from their family?

Note: we can't move close to them for job related reasons and where are at the moment is a better place to bring up children than what we could get closer to them

It wasn't nasty. It's just the truth.

Sounds factual to me - but if they were to become regular babysitters they'd have to do so primary by coming to yours surely? Or do you think they'd expect you to ferry the kids to them every time?

I think you're absolutely right. You won't want to be doing that 3 hours trek with a baby or toddler in the car, so if they want to be involved grandparents they'll have to come to you.

You are way overthinking this. Your parents think that they automatically would have rights over your DC - I would be very wary of boundaries. Besides,they are extremely rude to be bringing up that you need to be having kids. Not their business or place.
Seems like a lack of boundaries on both sides here.

Not unreasonable at all and I don’t think what you said was anything other than factual. Given that they’re young-ish, they should be making the effort to drive to you.
My shitty parents (divorced and with a long old back story), both chose to emigrate to opposite sides of the world the year their first grandchild was born. They have 4 GK’s they don’t know, nor have made any effort with, and now the kids are teenagers, the GP’s are all misty-eyed at missing out on their upbringing. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe he should think twice about nagging his daughter for grandkids?! For all they know, you’re trying and not being successful, so being constantly nagged would be agonising. You really don’t have anything to feel guilty for, unless they’re generally manipulative and you’re conditioned to feel guilty for not doing what they want.

@VimFuego101

I think you're absolutely right. You won't want to be doing that 3 hours trek with a baby or toddler in the car, so if they want to be involved grandparents they'll have to come to you.

Especially in my car. The air con hasn't worked in it for two years so driving in summer is not super comfortable for an adult let alone a child.

Both my mum and PIL were desperate for grandchildren, but they never once asked when we were having them or made any comments at all. I am due in 3 months and they are thrilled, but never put pressure on me at all. I think that’s the worst part of your post tbh! Why do your parents keep mentioning it? So rude!

You aren’t wrong at all OP, they can’t be absent and expect to swan in and have a say. As PP’s have said, you can’t make those long trips with tiny kids either. Make it clear to them before the kids come along that you will expect them to do the travelling once the kids are born and see if they are still as keen to ‘babysit’.

It's not mean, it's just the truth. There are ways around it e.g. they stay at yours to baby sit and drive home the next day?

They will suddenly start visiting once you’ve had the grandchildren! Please don’t stress about this - my parents live 500 miles away and are brilliant with my DD when they come to stay, there has never been a problem with them babysitting because of her being unfamiliar with them. Inbetween they FaceTime her a lot. I found in the baby/toddler years I only really relax when a grandparent (rather than a paid babysitter) is in charge. Have you got room in your house for your parents to stay? You’ll find that they are very willing to come and you will be desperate for them to come.

Is there a lot unsaid between you?

It seems you're worrying over a really innocuous comment so I'm wondering why you haven't said much more, much sooner.

They should know the fact you can't really afford to come to there's ALL the time - they've plenty of money and time

Where has this expectation come from that you will always go there ?

Tell them you won't, often and firmly, much more - before you have children

It's about time they shaped up since they chose not to move

I think its nice they want to be involved, but you were right in the fact you need to manage expectations, if you were for example going for a night out, are they expecting you to do the journey to drop the child off, rather than the child in their home with their comforts.

As a side thing though. If you haven't started trying for one yet. I would nip it in the bud with when am I going to get grandchildren, incase you do have problems, because your resentment is only going to grow

Also presumably if you can’t afford a new car with aircon in the next few years you are probably not wealthy enough to be able to regularly pay for childcare

You weren't rude, you were being truthful. A 3hr (minimum) round trip isn't really doable on a regular basis when they're small.

You haven't even had any yet! All this fuss over a hypothetical situation. stop talking to him about it, stop obsessing yourself and wait until there is something tangible to discuss

It sounds like he was upset, but you weren't a dick.

My Dad (sadly died a few years ago now) really liked having everyone there at my M&D's as he'd never been fond of 'visiting' and liked to be in his own space. But he did understand that he wasn't the only one and especially with children he needed to be more flexible.

He was a fabulous Grandad and I'm very very sad he didn't get enough years without grandchildren nor them with him.

If I were you I'd start actually (when we can) inviting them down for the day &/or weekend. If he grumbles say that's fine, but with us both working we don't want to be travelling to them all the time in the only spare time you get, but would love to see them.

When he bangs on about having a baby, say 'well things might be different if you and mum lived closer...as you had planned to'

They're not elderly, presumably one or both of them drive...they need to be pulling their weight in this family stuff!!

Kids don't need to see grandparents every 5 minutes to be fine to be left with them though.

In 'real life' it's perfectly normal for parents to look forward to being grandparents and looking after the kids/baby sitting/having them to stay, only on MN is it considered controlling/manipulative/overninvested.

I had to be really blunt with my PILs about the constant grandchild comments. I told them that although I didn't mind at the moment as weren't thinking about having kids yet, at some point they would say that to us on the wrong day (e.g. trying but nit conceiving) and it would damage our relationship. They backed off.

Ridiculous for them to make assumptions about imaginary grandchildren. It will do them some good as they won't take you for granted, which it sounds like they do.

Don't apologise - you haven't done anything wrong and they might reflect and try harder when you do have kids.

I think that maybe a bit of your resentments were expressed in that comment ,perhaps you could have a one on one chat with mum or dad ,whichever you think would be more understanding and just explain ,without accusations ,your situation ,financialy and physically ,maybe they just dont realise about the logistics of it all and the effort that you would be putting in ,communication is the answer here ,honest but gentle .

I think it's unfair for you to resent them for not moving closer to you. You chose to move away, you can't expect them to move house for you!

Re babysitting - you're overthinking it, the baby isn't even conceived yet.

We lived a gruelling 3 hour drive from our ds. We made it our job to try and visit regularly. We were both still working when dgs was born, every other weekend dh and I drove over on a Friday night to care for dgs for 5 hours whilst ds and dil worked on a Saturday morning.
We have a fabulous bond with dgs although haven’t visited him since December.
If your dp’s want a relationship with future dgc then they need to drive to you. You’re going to be the busy ones working and parenting.

You’re not a dick. Your dp’s can choose whether to be involved gp’s or not.

You're right though! It is a bit far.

My mum always went on for years about babysitting etc and then decided to move a 7 hours drive away the year i got married. When DD came along the following year she was really hurt we didn't ask her to do childcare! She wanted to live with us 3 days a week to do it, in our 2 bedroom flat. She suggested sharing DD's room!

It was a no from us obviously but she's never really forgiven me! But that's how i know it was all about her needs rather than DD's, so my decision still sits well with me.

We're planning to start trying in August, but obviously we dont know how long its going to take or if we'll have any problems yet.

Have you got room in your house for your parents to stay? We live in a 3 bedroom bungalow so there is a spare room for them to stay in. We're redecorating at the moment so it should be ready and nice for when overnight stays are allowed again. My parents hate staying at other peoples houses though which makes things a bit difficult.

Is there a lot unsaid between you? I suppose, maybe, I dont really know. I often overthink things so I worry that I have a lot to say and they're oblivious :/

Also presumably if you can’t afford a new car with aircon in the next few years you are probably not wealthy enough to be able to regularly pay for childcare pretttty much! my DH has a really nice car but he uses it for work and often works weekends so I pretty much never get to drive it. I think I a little bit of help with childcare from my work, then plan to work compressed hours and DH to arrange his rota and the rest of the time panic about what the heck we do with two children!

You're right and what you said wasn't nasty. I'd definitely be telling them to back off with the grandchild comments. It's insensitive and they could say it on a day that will break your heart.

I'd also tell them that they need to understand that they won't be babysitting unless they have a close relationship with your kids and you trust them. And that will only happen if they respect you, which they're not doing by going on about you having children, that's no one's decision but yours. And if they start visiting you because you won't be driving to theirs with babies or young children.

There are two issues here, your parents pushing you for children and your concerns about babysitting once those children arrive.

Park the babysitting issue for now.

Your dad shouldn’t be badgering you to get pregnant. He was in the wrong and you didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe just ask them to stop with the baby badgering, you will let hem know when you are pregagnt, but until that point no more hints, questions etc.

It’s a good lesson for them to learn. Fertility is such a sensitive personal issue, they really shouldn’t be behaving like this. Who knows what yo or any other couple is going through.

Through out the pandemic a member of my team constantly commented about me not having children. He raised it in every conversation. It hurt every single time.

@Ideasplease322 I am genuinely nervous of discovering we have fertility issues, both DHs sister and cousin had problems, I don't know if it runs in families, a few of my friends have had problems too. I didn't realise how common it was when I was younger. You just never know.