Should I gently push my brother to come out to friends and family?

[alex0609]

I’ve thought for years that my 32 year old brother is gay, and he finally came out to me yesterday.

We were at a family party and I could tell he just wasn’t right. I took him away from the family and he was it bits, crying his eyes out and said he had some issues but couldn’t tell me. I asked if it was that he is gay and he broke down and said yes. We chatted for an hour and I told how proud of him I am.

I then very gently, persuaded him to tell the other family members at the party. Everyone was totally supportive and loving to him. I’m worried that it wasn’t my place to do that and maybe I should have left him to do it on his own terms?
Or, should I continue to gently push him and hold his hand to tell the world?

Too right it wasn't your place to do it.
Don't 'gently push' him anywhere. It's his gay, not yours.

It’s not about you. Leave him be.

You shouldn’t have done that, but what is done is done. Don’t add to it by pushing him further.

Be supportive but not pushing. Coming out is scary and it’s not anybody’s business until he wants it to be.
I would check in with him and see if he’s feeling okay, and apologise for pushing him into it.

The family was supportive and loving so this might give him courage and confidence to do it in his own time. I think you need to leave it be.

@Mumoblue

Be supportive but not pushing. Coming out is scary and it’s not anybody’s business until he wants it to be. I would check in with him and see if he’s feeling okay, and apologise for pushing him into it.

This.

Keep your nose out.

Jesus Christ leave him alone!

No you absolutely shouldn't have done that but it does sound like it came from a place of love. Instead of gently pushing him just be supportive. Who your brother finds attractive or is in a relationship with is nobodies business but his own and nobody has a right to know his business unless he chooses to tell them.

You have pressurised him while he was feeling vulnerable, what on earth were you thinking. I hope he has support from someone who will respect his boundaries.

It’s done now

You did it from a place of live/being helpful

So all fine

My brother waited a year between telling me and our parents. In that year he built up a lot of resentments and anger towards them, imagining their reaction (they are countryside conservatives, not very “modern “), when he finally did come out they were lovely and supportive but some damage was done by all the arguments he had with them in his own mind (iyswim?) and he had to overcome that.

So it was probably the right thing to do OP

No, not your choice. Leave him to come out in his own time and to tell only who HE wants to.

@ChubbyLittleManInACampervan

It’s done now

You did it from a place of live/being helpful

So all fine

My brother waited a year between telling me and our parents. In that year he built up a lot of resentments and anger towards them, imagining their reaction (they are countryside conservatives, not very “modern “), when he finally did come out they were lovely and supportive but some damage was done by all the arguments he had with them in his own mind (iyswim?) and he had to overcome that.

So it was probably the right thing to do OP

There's a time and place for gentle pushing but this is definitely not it.
I once outed someone to someone who didn't know and feel terrible about it. Its easy to assume that it's not a big deal when it's not your life. Be gently supportive only.

Leave it alone. It's him who will have to deal with the consequences of coming out, not you.

Apologise for pushing him before, tell him you love him and never push again. Be a friend not a self-appointed self-actualisation coach.

It probably was a lot for him to come out to you yesterday, OP. I am glad you were able to be supportive to him at that moment.

Telling those outside the family is a totally different thing and should be on his own terms. All I can suggest is that if he wants someone to support him if he chooses to tell other people and it is appropriate for you to be at the place and time of his choosing, you let him know you are willing to be there.

Even in 2021, there will be workplaces and other situations where there is hostility to someone coming out and so if he chooses to remain silent in some places, that should be his choice.

Absolutely not. This is a huge thing for any gay person to do. Although my son was very comfortable with his own sexuality it was enormously stressful for him to tell some of the family, and it absolutely had to be at his timing, when he was ready and in wording that he was comfortable with. Be happy he has told you, but the rest has to be under his control. As a matter of interest my son still does not routinely tell people he works with that he is gay. This again is his call.

Presumably you knew the other members would be fine about it so you did it from a good place. Don't worry too much as you will make your worry into a thing which will get tangled with his thoughts about coming out. If you can don't hold on to your worries and make it about you instead just move forward with him with in a positive way.

I wonder why you feel that he needs to "tell the world"? Have you "told the world" about your own sexuality? Why is it anyone else's business?

It's good that you wanted to be supportive of him, but I don't think you should have pushed him. He was clearly vulnerable. Your intentions were good, but you should have been more respectful of the fact that this is about him, not you.

Hopefully, no harm has been done and he might feel better after telling people, but regardless of the outcome, he should not have been pressurised.

The people that you 'forced' him to come out to, do they understand that it is not to go any further.
Can you earn them about this otherwise he'll have other people coming up to him in the street congratulating/slagging/teasing/punching him..

You are the reason gay people still feel they need to 'come out' in the first place.

You took his most vulnerable moment and applied pressure.

Please leave him alone.

It came from a good place and you didn't force him, just pointed out the opportunity

Maybe he was glad it's done and not drawn out; it was obviously affecting him deeply

Just reassure him you are always there to speak to, but that you completely respect any coming out conversations are his choice alone

Have you spoken about it since?

Why don't you see if he wants to go to the pub today? (Or for a walk or whatever) just hang out & see how he seems?

He was obviously really stressed holding it all in, I think you helped him get it out.

Just check he's ok today without making it a big deal 💐

I’ve spoken to him, and he said that he feels a huge sense of relief and a weight off his shoulders.
He said that he was happy that he has told closest family members and has asked me to go with him, when he is ready to tell other people, who might not be so supportive. I will absolutely wait until he decides the time is right.
Maybe my original wording was clumsy and I didn’t ‘persuade’ him so much as let him know the people there would only support him and love him if he did want to tell them.
We are very close and lost our mum recently, so I just want to make sure that I protect him and want only for him to live a happy life.

@alex0609

I’ve spoken to him, and he said that he feels a huge sense of relief and a weight off his shoulders. He said that he was happy that he has told closest family members and has asked me to go with him, when he is ready to tell other people, who might not be so supportive. I will absolutely wait until he decides the time is right. Maybe my original wording was clumsy and I didn’t ‘persuade’ him so much as let him know the people there would only support him and love him if he did want to tell them. We are very close and lost our mum recently, so I just want to make sure that I protect him and want only for him to live a happy life.

So why are you asking us if you were being unreasonable?