Want to split

[Morris125]

I don’t love my partner anymore and want to leave him, but I’m worried because anytime we’ve had a semi serious argument and mentioned it he says I could never take the kids away from him. Now he’s a good dad so I wouldn’t take them away but it would be 50:50 custody but he says that he couldn’t not see them every day. I just wondered what I could do? We have tenancy on our house till January and we are not married. I just can’t take much longer.

If you split up, he wouldn't have a choice! Unless he's currently a SAHD? Then it might not be as straightforward.

What's your financial situation?

He is emotionally forcing you to stay with him.

It is not a debate.
You do not need to be with someone you don't want to be.
Tell him, it is not a discussion.
Tell him you are making plans to leave and that is that. It will be better for him and you and the kids if you do it amicably.

He’s on furlough till May, works part time. I also work part time but i am working so we are both with the children equal amounts of time.

So, in an ideal world, how do you see the split happening? Would either of you be able to take over your current lease in January in your own name and the other find somewhere else to live? Have you looked into what benefits you could claim if you were a lone parent? Not sure how/if it makes any difference if you have 50/50 custody.

You've got to work out the practicalities of a split and just go for it. He might demand all sorts now, but in reality meet someone else, or realise how good it can be to be single and drift off a bit.

I’m not 100% on the benefit situation, as we claim a bit of universal credit and also disability allowance for our son. I earn more then him so I would be able to take over the lease. But this is the thing I wouldn’t have the first clue.

What actually is stopping you? Him saying he can't be away from the kids?

Sorry when I say I wouldn’t have a clue, I feel like if we had 50:50 share, would that
Mean disability allowance would split in half that sort of stuff. I understand the universal credit part. But I feel as though he would argue about who would claim it.

Speaking as a now full time resident dad, but who for many years operated on a shared custody basis I'd say that he just needs to accept that he's not going to see them every single day.

Unless he goes for full residency - and courts rarely award that - it is what it is.

If you go 50/50 you will need to agree who will receive the child benefit as that can have implications down the line.

I would advise that if you are that unhappy and the relationship is beyond repair you should leave and cannot let what in reality is a mix of emotional blackmail and him not being able to sensibly let go.

It's hard and you undoubtedly will feel guilty - but it does work out in the end and you are being a good mum by not withholding your children.

He says I couldn’t take the kids away from him and he says he would be seeing them every day regardless of how I feel. He can be very manipulative when it comes to a potential split.

Also, have a google for Child Benefit in a split if that is a worry. You may be surprised what the rules actually are and could work in your favour. I know this as I had reason to look them up recently.

@Morris125 he may say that, but the truth is that the law would take a very different view. I am sure that you probably don't want to go to court for an access order and it's better if you can agree - but if he knows that you are willing to do so then he may come around.