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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my (not very D)H should remember to ask me about my consultant appointment?

32 replies

skiwaddle · 12/11/2007 14:00

Now I know I am VERY hormonal and sensitive atm (36 wks pg) but I had an appt with the consultant this morning which DH knew all about (looked at bus timetable together this morning to work out which bus I needed to get). It was at 9am. Came back, no phone call/email from H to ask how it went. Forwarded him an email about something completely unrelated which he replied to and no mention of my appt.

Consultant found that my bp has gone up and my baby is measuring small for dates - he's not too worried atm but will keep a close check on me.

I suppose I am really upset about what the consultant said but feel so pissed off with H for not even remembering to ask, I mean really really want to cry pissed off... AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsSlocomb · 12/11/2007 14:04

Yes and no!
I'd say that's pretty normal behaviour for a lot of men. Remember that what seems very important to you obvioiusly isn't do to him.
I hd a similar situation at the end of my last pg. DP was not worried abut the baby but I was a miserable wreck. I wish I could be as calm as him.
If I were you I would simply tell him about the appt when he comes home.
DON'T be a sulky child about it. Tell him that facts but DON"T go on about how disappointed you are etc, it's really not worth it.

newgirl · 12/11/2007 14:06

i think you are probably very hormonal and tired so try not to get upset about it- im sure he will ask later

he should have asked really but i think dh, dp, friends etc are just not that close to it all as we are at the time - and they may have other stuff going on - he might not feel like this of course - he may just think you'll tell him if there is something to worry about, or you'll talk about it later properly

ConnorTraceptive · 12/11/2007 14:08

My dh is rubbish at remembering to ask how appointments go, he usually only remembers once my MIL has rung to see how I got on.

I'm sure it's not because he doesn't care, he's probably being a bit thick really and doing that annoying thing where they assume if you haven't said anything then there's obviously not a problem.

You are allowed to be unreasonable though at the moment so tell him he's upset you.

I didn't speak to Dh for two days last week because he turned down my sexual advances He's very clear now that when a pregnant woman wants sex you bloody well oblige her

snowleopard · 12/11/2007 14:12

My DP would never remembe this, but he would apologise when reminded. He's just forgetful and I'm sure that's the reason he hasn't asked. Your unrelated email may even have thrown him off the scent. You're heavily pg, and have had a difficult appointment, so I think you're entitled to phone DH, have a weep, tell him you're upset that he forgot and generally be hormonal. I know I would!

Don't too much worry about the measurements - they are often unreliable.

LuckyUnderpants · 12/11/2007 14:14

it has probably slipped his mind, ime, with men, when your out of sight your out of mind, he probably cant think about two things at once, so he will have his work head on, insensitive i know! thats men for you imo.

My ds2 had a appoint. last week to have a scan on his little tummy cos he was recently very ill, i told xp the date and time, did i get a phone call that day to ask how it went? infact it wasnt until a week later when i mentioned it to him that he actually remembered, the look of shock on his face told me he had genuinely just forgotten.

zubb · 12/11/2007 14:16

Why didn't you just tell him about it? You are setting him a 'test' that you know he will fail.
I often forget to ask DH about something that he's done that day and vice versa. Rather than waiting to see if the other one will remember and then getting upset if they don't we just tell each other about it.

Original poster
skiwaddle · 12/11/2007 14:17

I know you're right MrsS but I feel exactly like a sulky child - it will be a struggle to suppress any sulkiness!!

And maybe it is normal behaviour for many men but that doesn't make it OK [sulky cow emotion]!!

at not speaking to your DH for TWO days connor, don't know if I'll manage that long...

OP posts:
claireybraxtonhicks · 12/11/2007 14:20

YANBU to want him to remember, although tbh most men probably wouldnt! I always have to say to my dh "So, do you want to know how it went at the midwife/consultant/scan etc" to which he always replies "Of course". I think sometimes they get too caught up in their own days to remember that this stuff is going on at home and need a little nudge x

Original poster
skiwaddle · 12/11/2007 14:24

I suppose you're right zubb but it is his baby as well - it's not just MY appointment. I suppose I just wish he was more interested in this pregnancy

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 12/11/2007 14:28

My DH doesn't get stressed about things like that. He reckons there is time to worry when you know there is something to worry about. He might have made a really really big effort to remember and ask me but it would have been for my benefit not his. At one point I was told my 3rd baby might have Downs - I was so upset - he really couldn't see why. It wasn't 100% certain so why worry?

So put it down to a different (male?) mindset, not lack of interest.

zubb · 12/11/2007 14:29

It is his baby as well but he isn't going to the appointment, and it isn't on his mind every minute as it is on yours. I'm sure he wanted to know, and would have been interested when you told him.
DH used to ask why I hadn't told him about things if they were that important to me if I started to have a go about him not remembering - and it was just so that I could get annoyed at him for not being interested in what I was doing!

throckenholt · 12/11/2007 14:32

he will be working on the assumption that you would have told him if there was a problem.

He (subconsciously) will have thought - she hasn't told there is a problem so everything is fine - can forget about that.

mixedmama · 12/11/2007 14:39

Have to agree Skid my DH would just expect me to tell him if there was a prob. Unfortunately have to agree that is men for you.

becklebigbump · 12/11/2007 14:41

Skid, I think a lot of men are like this unfortunately. My DH never thinks to ask how MW appts go and TBH I'm sure he doesn't really listen when I tell him. Last week he forgot to ask how DS2's eye appointment went too! (grr...)
YANBU to be upset at him though, I would be too if it was a consultant appt DH had forgotten.

MrsSlocomb · 12/11/2007 14:49

Yeah, dp never asks about stuff. I used to sulk now I just tell him what's going on. Lifes' easier now!

SuzieSweep · 12/11/2007 14:52

YANBU - my DH is exactly the same I think its a man thing .

Original poster
skiwaddle · 12/11/2007 14:58

well at least I am not alone and most men seem to be equally rubbish - still doesn't make it OK in my book though

MrsS - you sound very wise and mature - I will aspire to reach your heights one day (but not until after this baby is born)!

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 12/11/2007 15:01

Skiwaddle I dont think you are being unreasonable. When dp is in the country he has taken time off for appointments with the consultant. Are you having consultant led care?

It is worrying when they tell you something could be wrong, even when the medical team arent too concerned, this is your baby and you want to share those concerns with your dp.

I expect that he hasnt deliberately forgotten and has gooton sidetracked. Tbh dp finds it hard to keep track of how many weeks we are and i guess that is because it isnt his body that is carrying our baby.

Despite all of that, you have every right to be upset and emotional. Firstly you are pregnant and 36 weeks means you are likely to be uncomfy. Also fears over birth becoming more real (dont i know it ) and you need lots more reassurances from dp/dh of support, understanding etc etc.

(fwiw my dp is off to Japan on Saturday and missing our 34 weeks scan and appointment, I expect him to call me tho and find out how it all went despite time difference)

xx

Bouncingturtle · 12/11/2007 15:09

Men are crap and incapable of concentrating on more than one thing at a time.
You are doing a VERY important job of incubating child who will be utterly wonderful but that you are also worried about so of course YANBU.
When are you going back to the Consultant? Has he ordered you to rest?

Original poster
skiwaddle · 12/11/2007 15:12

thank you awen, that is very sweet, and hope your dp remembers to phone you all the way from Japan or else you'll be starting your own thread!!

I know he doesn't have it on his mind the whole time because it's not his body but it would be nice if he made the effort and showed a bit of interest. I was literally the only woman there not accompanied by their dp or mum so I think I was almost angry with him before i'd even gone in!

Anyway I've calmed down a bit now and will try not to be too mean to him tonight!

OP posts:
Original poster
skiwaddle · 12/11/2007 15:13

bouncing - he hasn't ordered me rest unfortunately but think I might prescibe myself some anyway

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 12/11/2007 15:15

I think this is a perfect reason for your dp to cook tea/get take out and rub your feet and be all loving and soothing Oh and let you have control of the telly lol.

claraquitebignow · 12/11/2007 15:26

Skid - no I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, especially as he was well aware that you had an appointment. But I also think that we forget that pregnancy isn't constantly on the brain of men in the same way as it is for us, as they are not feeling the physical affects every minute of every day (if that makes sense). He's probably just being a typical man and can only handle thinking about one thing at a time (eg whatever he is doing at that time).

I also think it is worse during 2nd pregnancies (and no doubt gets worse in subsequent ones) as the novelty has slightly worn off. I know I look back with fondness at all the attention I got first time round compared to this time....

jesuswhatnext · 12/11/2007 15:39

YANBU - however, just remember the phrase

'they can't WALK and CHEW!!'

just remembering that one phrase will ensure a long and happy marriage!

jesuswhatnext · 12/11/2007 15:42

btw - you can really scare the shit out him later!! just keep groaning and holding your lower back, then tell him NOT to worry, it's nothing!

haha!