Should I be doing any of the driving?

[SuziQsFatNan]

Been split 4 years, 3 kids with special needs whom I homeschool, I left him and moved from family home due to abuse. Was housed in emergency social housing a 45 minute drive away, and ex remained in family home. Co-parenting has been a disaster, he continues his abuse of me through that so I am very low contact with him. I have 100 % care of the children.

When he does have the children he expects me to do all the driving as I left the family home. Am I unreasonable to say no because I do all the parenting with no support from him, and can ill afford the petrol? I live on carers benefits only and, If its relevant, their extra costs - due to their additional needs - are all paid by me as he sees that as my job. He pays a very small amount of child support, and any 'extras' such as educational or medical he refuses to share those costs. Ive ended up spending what little settlement i got from him in the divorce covering these costs. Im in Australia by the way, so some very much needed educational and medical things arent free. The reason this has come to a head after so many years, is because some disability funding that they received has been slashed, and an emergency operation my daughter needed, which incurred a 5k medical bill, he has simply refused to contribute to.

So is he right, and I am being unreasonable because I left the family home with them, so I should do all the driving and paying to support their additional needs? Or am I reasonable to say I do more than enough, so if you want to see your children then you need to do the driving?

I too have an an x who continues to abuse through lack of communication and input into the children's lives. Its so difficult. I don't have any answers, but can offer solidarity. XP thought nothing of driving 30 minutes to see the OW several times a week before we split, but now it is such an inconvenience to drive 15 minutes to collect/ deliver the children. He refused to leave the family home, so myself and the children had to spend 18 months in emergency accommodation before getting a permanent house. It makes me so angry sometimes, and like you, I cannot afford the extra expense of petrol for contact visits, but I am further away so he sees it as my responsibility to do the driving

He's still trying to control you. This nonsense about you leaving the family home is complete bollocks. He is their parent too, and needs to step up ( he won't).
Do you have any kind of court order or shared parenting agreement with a lawyer ( sorry don't know how it works in Australia), or do you have Social Services involved with your kids due to support needs or abuse, or any kind of support?
I had a man like this over 20 years ago. I was a surrendered wife and allowed him to still control me till I realised what he was doing and stood up to him . He stopped seeing his kids, and they haven't seen him for 21 years. He isn't missed. I'd tell him to eff off. Don't feel guilty for leaving. You really don't realise how much you have saved your children. I thought mine never realised about the abuse. They did.
Stay strong sweetheart xx

I would tell him to go fuck himself.

Notsoskinny Im so sorry this happened to you too. Its awful, and he almost managed to send me to the funny farm. Almost. Im a lot lot stronger now thank goodness. Mine refused to leave as well, and i should have fought him through the courts, but i was way too weak then. I didnt care about anything but getting out.

pugdogmum we have no court orders. Here you can only get legal aid if the other party takes you to court - which he wont do. Its funner for him to continue the coparenting headfuckery. I have had support from social services and they have been amazing. Legally he cant and wont do anything. But morally sometimes I still second guess myself when he paints me to be the enemy and him the victim. He's now telling the children he cant see them because he cant afford it because of me! So thats another thing I have to deal with.

Thank you for all your comments so far. It really really helps.

If you're in Australia, go to mediation. You have a fantastic family mediation system specifically for this sort of shit. Considering you live on benefits, it should be free for you.

If you go to mediation, you can then ask for a 60i certificate, which will then enable you to access legal aid.

I'm with aquamarine. Tell him to go and get fucked. You do enough. He is a prick. Who wouldn't pay towards medical treatment for their daughter? Selfish asshole.

Agree with pp, you need to stop playing his sick games or you'll never be free. Block him on every platform. Block his number. If he wants contact he'll have to come look for it (he most likely won't). At worst he'll show up a couple of times to whine about it. Which you have no obligation to listen to.

creepygnochi we did mediation. Twice. Everything he promised and agreed to - in writing - he reneged on. I did get a 60i certificate, when one time he didnt show up. But it doesnt give you legal aid unfortunately. I applied but was refused because they will only pay if you are fighting another party bringing a case against you. He knows this, so no way will he do it.

When he does see them, he alienates me and tells them inappropriate things about adult business. And he allows his awful mother to do the same. So on my hand I want them to have a relationship with their father, because i dont want them to miss out, but on the other, they often come home confused, upset and stressed by visits so i wonder why i am even bothering to facilitate the relationship anyway?

They have autism, so their anxiety is high anyway and needs managing. He is useless at helping them through it, and sees a lot of their behaviour as just being 'naughty'. It really isnt. So he isnt good at meeting their needs when they are with him, and he badmouths me and threatens them which upsets them. Eg he will tell them hes going to take me to court to get them back in school (he wont, and all the professionals say they need to be homeschooled), he will tell them he cant afford to see them because i took all his money (obviously nonsense). Stuff like that. They love him still of course, and sometimes ask to see him, but my youngest (11) refuses to go. She says he ignores her when she visits, or he just tells her off. She only goes for 5 hours at a time, and refuses to sleepover. Due to their issues they have high needs at night - often not going to sleep until midnight, and needing lots of reassurance, lots of calm routine before sleep. Their anxiety is very very high in evening/night, which is very common for children with autism. He wont listen to me, or get advice and guidance from the professionals to help them. He just gets pissed and passes out at 8pm meaning they are left with noone to parent them except each other.

Sorry for the novel and drip feed. But writing all that out, makes me think maybe im fighting for something when really i should be protecting them from him anyway.

Stop doing the driving

Stop giving him reasons that you are not doing the driving... it’s not needed

I’m not doing the driving any longer

That’s sufficient

If he asks why?

Just repeat on a loop I’m not doing the driving,

Once you start giving reasons, he’s got you- so don’t, there is no need

Your 11 year old is telling you what she wants or doesn't. She doesn't want to see her father. Please listen to her, and she is your youngest. I remarried after my shit relationship with my abusive ex, and my youngest was autistic and only diagnosed at 11. She has a great relationship with her father , ( different Dad to abusive ex) but yet I didn't always meet her needs because I didn't realise she was autistic until she was 12 ( and got her diagnosis). Autistic kids IMO are extremely clever in sussing people out, no matter what people say about their emotions. My youngest has been proven right about people so many times. If she doesn't want to be with her Dad, please don't make her.
Sorry, it's late and am not explaining very well, but my point is that please do not force your kids to have a relationship with a man that gives no fucks about what is best for his kids. Refuse to allow your kids to go if they don't want to. If you can have backup from Social Services then even better. It is not in the best interests of your kids to have a relationship with this man. Let him take you to court.
In my experience with Social Services in Scotland ( as an employee, not a client), with a history of DV, the visits should be supervised

Stop driving. Just don’t do it. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of benefit to your DC in seeing their dad. Yes that’s sad, but it’s not your fault and you can’t change him.

If he wants to see them he’ll drive.

pugdog
I have one who refuses to g, one who sometimes wants to go (12) and one who always wants to go (19). My 19 year old though is intellectually impaired and highly suggestible. The alienation not only extends to me but also his siblings and he comes home anti-me and anti his siblings for a bit. There is always a 'recovery' period iykwim. I'm his carer. Sometimes I feel I'm not acting protectively to allow any of them to go. Sometimes I feel that I'd be wrong to withhold if they say they want to go. I go round in circles in my head never knowing what is truly in their best interests.