To think history repeats itself?

[HorribleHistoriesAgain]

My parents divorced when I was 5. My DM finally had enough of DF's financial & emotionally abusive behaviours.

I always maintained contact with DF and for the most part we have a good relationship. I thought I recognised his flaws and to an extent understood the psychology behind it all. DM has never formed another relationship and is seemingly happy alone.

I'm now in my early 40s and I can see my life going the exact same way.

They say girls marry their father. My DH certainly has a financially controlling nature. He is generally quite selfish and fundamentally, is not always very kind. Obviously, this is not the full story and he had his good points or I wouldn't have married him. But, this is not the marriage of my dreams and I sometimes feel like a shadow of my former self.

I sometimes think about living alone and the freedom of choice that would give me. Life on my terms. I doubt I'd remarry.

Am I destined for my mothers life?

No. My father was a cunt. I had a child with someone who was a tad useless but couldn't or wouldn't even shout let alone shout at our DC. Yes its single parents but not narcissistic pigs.

Me and one of my sisters have never married due to a colossal fear of becoming a trapped Surrendered Wife like our DM

Whilst history doesn't have to repeat itself... I have found that for us, the sheer effort of making sure it didn't, has affected all our relationships in an equally damaging way.

Complex things relationships...

It can. Its impossible to predict.

My dad's family are alcoholics. His dad, his mum, his sister and brother. But he doesn't drink. It impacted him differently and no one knows why.

My mum is very controlling. When I realised how abusive my husband was, I thought I had married someone like my mum. It wasn't until I had therapy, I realised I married someone like my grandad. The whole family revolved around his manipulative control. I hadnt realised I was repeating history, until I had already started down that path.

Thats why history often does repeat itself. Because by the time we realise it, we are already far down the path and don't want to or can't start over.

I didn't want to and, thought, I couldn't start over. But I did. The kids have benefited, so have I. Far more than we would have been staying together. My oarents split and then got back together, my mum really damaged us during this time. I haven't repeated her mistakes while co parenting.

But, that's not to say I won't make similar or completely different mistakes.

I think it can. I grew up with an absent father and now my kids father is absent 😕

It doesn't need to be, life's what we make it and all that!

My dad was useless, physically and emotionally abused my mum in front of us. Never wanted anything to do with me and made my life hell, very abusive and controlling. My DP couldn't be further from this, he's so loving and loyal and I'm pregnant with our first and he's so excited, I know he'll be an amazing dad! I didn't actively avoid having my parents relationship but I knew I wanted more

I don't think so. I adored my dad but he had a temper, i remember being afraid of him as a child. I know for a fact my kids have never, ever been afraid of DH, and nor have i. He's not an angry man at all. It was one of the things that attracted me to him - when i was younger i did date men with explosive tempers and i remember consciously thinking i didn't want that to be my life.

I think it's more trends of attachment styles than necessarily history repeating itself so to say.

You are not your mother..life is also different now than it used to be. You can find a saying to support any theory you like. You choose your narrative, you choose your song. You have a lot more power than you think.