To think BIL was out of order?

[InnocentAsApples]

I met up with some family for an outdoor distanced picnic for MIL birthday today.

I haven’t been in work for three years as I have ME and I was struggling to remain in employment. My illness hasn’t really improved but I’m positive about it and hope one day I’ll be free of it (I’ve been ill for 15 years now).

MIL asked me how things are and I mentioned I’ve started to look at building up my skills and hope I can start job seeking in a year or two. BIL snorted and asked who I think would employ me?

I was confused and asked him what he meant and he said “well, let’s be honest, who would want an employee who needs so many adjustments to the work load and a lunchtime nap !”.

I laughed it off but it really stung because I think he has a point . My last employer bent over backwards to accommodate me and it was an admin role so not exactly difficult but the crippling fatigue I feel daily made it impossible.

I don’t get any respite, my daily life revolves around being absolutely and categorically knackered!

BIL comment has really made me think today WTF am I going to do?! I’ve already been told that recovery at this point is unlikely but I had hope of employment until today.

Does BIL have a point or was he just being a twat?

Wether he has a point or not is absolutely irrelevant.

He was rude, unnecessary and .. a twat.

I have Fibro, heart failure, a bunch of other shit, im permanently knackered or sleepy.

I also earn the only money that comes into this home, run a tiny dog behaviour and training business that now has two of us rammed with clients, freelance copywrite and illustrate and multiple art/craft hobbies that also at worst.. pay for themselves and at best, bring in a decent bit.

I work my absolute arse off and it does not matter that someone else would be absolutely mental to employ me... it works for me. I pick my own hours, I do what I enjoy and so when its tough I can push on, or I can rearrange clients and work to suit!

My colleague who works with me on the dog behaviour front is also chronically ill and disabled, it has never been an issue for either of us.

So, up your skills but also, look at what you could do self employed at home - it maximises the hours you can offer as there's no travel. You can if you can demonstrate a viable business, get help from access to work too!

If you have admin skills, virtual assistants are really becoming popular now - if your computer and social media skills are also there you can offer even more.

Next time repeat loudly outloud whatever he says.. And question had you heard him right?

He was being a nasty prick.

So what if you need a nap at lunchtime? People go for walks at lunchtime or go to the gym at lunchtime. So why shouldn’t someone who needs it have a nap?

There’s absolutely no need to scoff at someone who is looking at adding new things into their lives.

If everyone thought like him then no-one who needed adjustments or part time hours would have jobs, but millions do because employers can see the value in having them

So sorry that you have such an uneducated and ignorant knober of a bil op

If he had a point to make (felt you needed to hear it for your own well-being) then he should have made it in private at an appropriate time with constructive advice - the way he did it is what makes him a twat. A 40 hour week may not work for you but employers value dedication and people who want to be present at work. From what you’ve said you have these qualities and I suspect that’s why they are willing to bend over backwards to support you. Please don’t let him put you off or put too much pressure on yourself to be like every other worker.

While he did have a point remote working is in your favour. I’m getting broken sleep due to DS’ breastfeeding and so I often book out his nap times as focus time for naps - as I make up this time later or earlier and do my job well it works great.

OP I have fibro and ME. Over time I've learnt to pace and yes, to have naps. There have been times when I've been unable to work but I am currently doing 20 hours a week and I am managing. I drive to work although it isn't far. I nap when i get home. I don't do anything remotely energetic before work and I curse the brain fog and stupid mistakes.

It IS possible. It's hard and it takes a lot longer to get used to it than adjusting to a new job would normally. I would suggest you start part time, maybe in a job share. Try for things where you are only doing a few hours a day. As well as part time look for twee adverts saying "good for mums" as they are usually shorter hours to fit in schools. Ans I'm afraid you may have to do as I have and get something below your intelligence level. But you CAN do it, just make sure it's your own timetable and that you listen to your body, rather than your desire wanting to do more before you're ready.

Good luck!

Oh, and he's an arse.

He's is being a twat, but he does have a point that you probably recognised yourself. You have unique employment requirements. But you are working on this by building up your skills. By the time you are ready to go back, you will know your limitations and be able to hopefully work towards that.

One of my family members has ME. She was self employed for years as a tutor and eventually got a job as a personal tutor doing one to ones at a private school and earns almost £50 an hour. At the moment she is only fit enough to work 15 hours per week and sometimes naps in her car but she’s single and supporting herself while managing her energy levels. She originally became ill as a child following EBV and it was a miracle she got through school and got a degree and postgrad (OU as she had to live at home). She doesn’t tell employers about her ME, only specific symptoms (Ie fainting episodes from POTS). Maybe not the best advice but she’s always been scared of being judged for it and not seen as reliable. Because she can only work very part time, she rarely needs any time off.

Have you looked into things like self employed book keeping? You can do courses in the evenings at college and set your own hours as you’d be your own boss.

Wow, what an insensitive comment. And stupid of him - lunchtimes are break times anyway so go ahead and have that nap!

Maybe you can even run your own business from home? Maybe set up an online shop with items that you are passionate about? I’m sure there’s the right job out there for you.