to hate my father-in-law

[ManchesterMummy]

Okay, I'm a bit of a lurker, but I'm so wound up today I need to let the world know...

I have developed a complete loathing of my FIL. And I don't generally hate people at all - I may dislike people, but hate, not my style. But! I cannot bear to be in the same room as him. To cut a very long story short, he and my MIL are divorced (he ran off with another woman) and he sees fit to turn up whenever he wants to see my DH, sometimes with no notice at all. He lives 150 miles away (my parents and MIL are local, so if they knock on the door and we're out, it's no big deal, if that makes sense) and if we have plans, tough.

He doesn't approve of what my DH does for a living, thinks me having a job is a waste of time, in fact thinks I have a stupid job too, is very critical of our house, where we live, the cars we drive, the holidays we take, the colour we paint the wall, how my MIL is a bad mother (she has a heart of gold and is one of the kindest people I know. And she is a very good mother), how MIL should never have bothered with working... The list goes on and on. He actually wanted to buy our house from us for 15K less than it's worth to give it to my SIL!

We now have a new dimension, however, in the shape of our nearly 5-week-old DD. Aside from the repeated suggestions that I'm not going back to work and asked me how I was liking being a housewife (disclaimer: there is nothing wrong with staying at home to raise children - it's just not for me and we have a massive mortgage, I'm good at my job, have worked my backside off for years and quite like what I do), there's the continual "you don't know what you're doing with that baby" inferences. It's all "give her to me, she stops crying for me", "she needs blah", "give her blah". You know the form. The final straw for me was when he decided that she was waking up (she was, in fact, strecting in her sleep), schlepping her out of the moses basket and not being impressed that she was now screaming the place down... Cue insinuations of bad parenting again.

Am I really being unreasonable to take great exception to everything that man does or says? I don't want my DD to grow up knowing that mummy hates grandpa either. I know I'm probably being a bit precious - please say if you think I am - but it's hard enough being a first time parent without the constant criticism.

Sorry that was such a ramble...

Your DH needs to ask him NOT to turn up unannounced - annoying, but with a 5 week old baby a total no no

Lots of people just say what they think without any regard for other people - you and your DH have made the decisions which are right for your family and that is that! You don't have to justify that decision to anyone else

I think if your DD is sleeping, you say sweetly "please don't pick her up"

No, YANBU to dislike him intensely. It does not sound like you have much hope of changing him though, so I think you have to perfect the art of saying "mmm, aha, d'ya think so..." while not actually listening to him.

Either that or cut off contact all together, but I suspect you would not like to do that.

you are not being precious

he is being difficult

trying to prove he is a super grandfather even if he could not be a great father

your DH needs to take this in hand and get this knocked on the head

Don't answer the door if he doesn't give you any notice. If anyone looked at me funny 5 weeks after DS was born I'd have clocked them with the skillet. Youdon't need this stress at the moment.

If you want to be a bit more diplomatic, could you say you're v busy in the next X weeks/months/year and he needs to ring to check you are in before visiting? Then you can out him off if he comes too often.

What does your husband say about all this? I assume he isn't happy with his mum being slagged off (not to mention his wife)

Blimey, what is it with horrible in-laws etc today.

Honestly, this man sounds vile, and i wouldnt even allow him into my house. You have enough to do with a new baby without this 'hanger-on'

Some people are generally vile with no humility-he is one of them

Thanks - I feel better now that I know I'm not being unreasonable! I was worried I was turning into hyper-sensitive mummy... DH is starting to get annoyed too, but he wouldn't say anything as is always very keen to promote family harmony. He says "next time I'll tell him". Maybe I need to be a bit more assertive!

And don't get me started on his brother, who told us not to bother moving from our first floor flat, we should have put the money to better use and EXTENDED. Um, how, on stilts?!

Nope, not unreasonable. He sounds thoroughly objectionable, and the last thing that anyone with a new born needs is someone who is hypercritical about their parenting ability.

Turning up unannounced is rude anyway, never mind what he is getting up to when he gets there!
Anyway, your allowed to be precious it's your home.

You may have to put up with his company for the sake of DC & DH, but it should be at a time and place that you've both agreed to. At least then you can limit his impact.

I actually had a similar experience, but for different reasons with my MIL who is a lovely woman, but when she virtually moved into our house via a stealth approach completely uninvited it spoilt the last few months of my pregnancy with my youngest DC. The situation is sorted out now, but I still have to grit my teeth when I'm around her sometimes now because I'm still quietly seething at her.

def no unannounced visits. At any time but with a 5 week old! No bloody way.

He's being intolerable. There've been countless threads of people moaning about what (usually) mil has said/insinuated about their parenting and loads have been far milder than what you're having to put up with. Tell him to call 1st, or even better arrange a fixed time in the week (when dh is there) then you can disappear.

ooh you have my sympathy my fil is like this he spends all his time gving me helpful hints and tips about everything from bf (unnatural) to gardening (cut your plants back girl)

you need to spend this precious time with your dd and dh alone in peace so defo say he needs to ring first

I used to get very tense and upset about my fil but my new strategy is to go hmm and walk away or change the topic of converstaion. I decided life was too short to let him upset me

bf-ing unnatural....
like it
yeah - this IL business....mine have held off for a year but i'm getting the "when are you getting his hair cut/that toy's gross/are you pregnant again" business.
I answer firmly with "we're not getting it cut yet" in my special "this is the end of this particular exchange" tone of voice.
Manchestermummy, you need to develop your own tone of voice which brooks no argument, and use it. Don't raise your voice, just sound very firm, and he'll soon get the idea.