To not cancel all my plans

[hadalot]

Not in the U.K., hence no COVID restrictions:

I was selected to be involved with a project (non work related). I had to interview for it and was successful so am now part of the team working on a particularly thing. It is dependent on all participants being available in order to go ahead.

I have an extremely busy life. I'm a single parent and when I'm not with my kids, am juggling long work hours, two other projects and a busy social life.

I checked the required time commitment before I signed up and it sounded doable.

We set our schedule (about 5 days over the span of a month) and I planned my life accordingly and all was good.

The problem is that lots of additional days keep being requested and I'm proving quite unpopular with them because I plan my schedule a few weeks in advance because of all the things I'm juggling, plus coordinating with my ex. Ex is usually flexible on our custody schedule but I can't extensively mess him around. Everyone else's schedule on the project is much easier than mine and the other team members are getting disgruntled.

Due to unforeseen (genuine) circumstances, they now also need to move something significant and it'll now take up two full days where I already had plans, some social (when kids at their dads), some with my kids. Changing everything would be a nightmare, piss off my ex and my friends and lead to missing quality time with my kids. It is actually an unavoidable change that they didn't foresee but nonetheless I am struggling to coordinate around it.

I'm trying to to balance being cooperative and a good team-player with drawing a line that it is something I'm doing voluntarily (albeit a fantastic opportunity).

I feel terrible but equally people around me are getting really annoyed at all my last minute cancellations and schedule changes to accommodate the project.

Then project leads have now requested that i 'try to just keep your schedule totally clear till the project is done', which seems insurmountable to me, and I'm just super stressed out with it now.

I think you are being a bit self centred to assume that you are the only person that has anything going on outside work or has a life to organise. If you can’t spare the time for whatever reason, including that the time commitment has changed, I think you need to pull out.

Is it too late for you to drop out and them to find a replacement? It doesn’t sound like you have the required time to dedicate to it, someone else might be better suited for the opportunity.

I think you have overstretched yourself by volunteering. You're being a bit unfair to the other participants by your lack of availability and unwillingness to change plans. The fact you have a lot on your plate/a single parent really isn’t their concern. I also think you should withdraw and let someone else have your place or cancel your plans and participate fully.

They must have said to you at the interview surely that there would be unexpected dates put on the schedule, and asked whether you could definitely commit.

To be honest your reasonings sound a bit like a cop out. Job and kids I get, busy social life.......I don't get that. If this is important to you your friends will understand so you'll just have to tell them that right now you cannot be 100% reliable as this project needs to come first.

If you really can't commit and keep messing them about, good opportunity or not, the only fair thing to do is to pull out.

You're not being unreasonable at all. If they are asking for help on additional days that's bad planning on their part. Changing things I can kind of understand as that's sometimes inevitable but they should be understanding of other commitments and cannot expect you to keep your schedule clear!
Honestly, I would just quit. I had something similar with a voluntary role where the time commitments kept changing. I could no longer do it so I pulled out. I did feel bad for letting people down but was also relieved that I no longer had to juggle everything.

I think you have to be realistic about what you can achieve and also what your priorities are. You clearly have a busy schedule but it is not up to everyone else to work around you - though nor is it reasonable for you to e expected to clear your schedule incase they need you if that was not the initial agreement. Maybe you all.need to sit down and work out what is achievable. Unfortunately if you arensaying you cannot deviate from the original schedule but things have changed to mean that is no longer possible I can see why there is an inpass.

You need to work out whether this project is worth the stress you are being put under.

That's what I'm wondering - perhaps I should drop out. Hand on heart I had absolutely no idea there would be additional requirements in addition to the original schedule. I've been able to accommodate most and move things around, but now it's proving trickier and trickier and I realise I'm in over my head.

So they're regularly asking for additional time from participants that have a specific skill set? And other commitments? If they didn't outline at the start the extra time required then they've brought this on themselves. The best way to resolve this would be to take on a member of paid staff OR be prepared for timelines to stretch.

My husband annually does his specific job on a voluntary basis for two weeks to save a certain organisation thousands of pounds for each project. Sometimes delays mean they run out of his time, they then have to decide whether to hire a contractor or wait. That just goes with the territory.

I would drop out, and make it clear to the project leads that they need to give potential participants realistic time estimates. It's not your fault, and it's not realistic for them to expect you to do all your other commitments.

You need to decide your priorities.

They want more flexibility and commitment than you are currently offering. The current situation isn't going to work for any of you.

If your other commitments are more important to you, then that's totally fair enough, but you will need to withdraw from the project and let them find someone else who is willing and able to give it the level of commitment required.

Alternatively, you can decide that you do really want to be involved in the project and prioritise it accordingly. That will mean being flexible and juggling some of your other commitments as required.

What you can't reasonably do is hold up the project through your lack of availability and expect everyone else to fall into line with what works for you. You can't do everything, so you need to make a choice.

If it is voluntary and you are "in over your head" as you say, finding that you can't commit as the team needs you to then pull out. It will be a relief to you and much fairer on them and everyone else involved.

I would drop out but be sure to tell them it's because the extra days they've added which weren't discussed at the beginning are impacting your child custody arrangements. They either didn't envisage the sheer scope of the project or they did but chose not to tell people in case it put them off volunteering. My money's on the latter.

Asking you to keep your schedule completely clear “just in case” is so barmily unreasonable that if I were you I’d laugh and walk away, and feel no guilt whatsoever.

Pull out on the basis that No you cannot just leave your schedule completely free for months on end.
You have children and other commitments.

Their suggestion that you might need to not make another commitment for months is utterly ridiculous and should have been communicated to you if it was a possibility before you agreed to this.

Not YOUR problem that didn't inform you properly.

Resign with regret but do not apologise in any way for THEIR incompetence.

Kindly OP, project work just doesn't stick rigidly to set days/hours/meetings that you can micro-plan week in advance.

There has clearly been some mis-communication here about the nature of the work and the flexibility required. I think you need to (gracefully and with regret) resign from the team.

Realistically, having thought it through, there is no way I could pull out without causing the most insane amount of upset, including financial impact.

I will do all I can to be as flexible as possible. I've managed to find time for everything that's needed from me so far, except one thing I couldn't accommodate as I had a wedding to go to.

I was a bit overwhelmed when I posted earlier as the newest change is enormous and is causing problems with my ex, who has already been accommodating.

Hopefully it all gets settled. I just feel terrible on all fronts that I'm not able to do everything.

Piss them off once royally now and step away.
Everyone has problems organising things, including single-parents. But if they can't rely on you you're wasting their time.
Maybe when your kids are older

I'd drop out. Life's too short. Drop the stress

I still think you should drop out.
These extras will keep happening and it's not for your ex to resolve the schedule issues- it's on you.

If you don't piss them off occasionally they will take your time for granted. Speaking from experience.

Given your updates I think you need to be really clear with everyone exactly what you can do.

Talk to your ex - don't ruin a good relationship with him, that will cause your kids much more harm in the long run than a couple of unexpected days with their dad. Work out between you what he can and can't cover.

Work out what gaps you can create in your schedule for the next couple of weeks offer them to the team as this is all you have. If they need you they will work around you, if they can replace you then maybe that is for the best.

Don't tie yourself up in knots over it though. The team won't appreciate it and you will not be able to give of your best to anyone!