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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel left behind?

23 replies

Kitkat199 · 15/04/2021 21:47

Late 20s, never been in a serious relationship. Friends all around are getting married, engaged, buying houses, having babies

I have crippling anxiety, and this often means I also convince myself I'm worthless, my friends are fed up with me etc.

I just feel so left behind. But I don't know how to fix it 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitkat199 · 15/04/2021 22:33

Anyone?

OP posts:
PuffItsGone · 15/04/2021 22:36

Hi

Firstly, there isn’t anything to ‘fix’ as such with regards to being left behind. Everything happens at the time it’s meant to happen. You can’t compare with friends and just because they’re having a baby or getting married doesn’t mean you have to.

On the anxiety- are you getting help? If not then please please speak to your GP.

Original poster
Kitkat199 · 15/04/2021 22:38

I just can't see anyway it's going to change. Anyone I meet goes off me, I'm just not worth the effort

I am, I'm on medication xx

OP posts:
Cautionsharpblade · 15/04/2021 22:40

Get help with your anxiety. Your friends aren’t fed up with you, otherwise they wouldn’t be your friends. It’s just in your head.

If you want to have a relationship, have children etc, crack on. It gets way harder as you get older. Friends who were in this position 20 years ago are now very much ‘left behind’ if that’s how you see it

HEYBritneyAreYouReadyy · 15/04/2021 22:43

It sounds like your anxiety is playing a big part in how you feel.
Not everyone has all of that by the time they're late 20s. People are working on different goals. A friend of mines is 31 & is very career motivated. No man, no children etc in her life. It'll all come to you when you least expect it.

Are you getting any help with your anxiety?

PumpkinPie2016 · 15/04/2021 22:44

It's good that you are getting help for your anxiety Flowers are you able to access any therapy as well as the medication? It may help you to work through some of your feelings.

Proper friends won't be fed up of you. They will understand that things are hard for you right now.

You are still in your twenties so still young. You have plenty of time to meet someone, start a family etc. If that's what you want to do. Many people wait until their 30s or beyond these days.

HEYBritneyAreYouReadyy · 15/04/2021 22:45

Sorry just seen you're on medication. Are they working? Do you think you could benefit from upping your dose?

I'm sure your friends don't feel that way, its your low self esteem telling you that. I often think my friends don't like me but what I've discovered, its not that they don't like me (they do) it's me. Its me, I don't like/love myself.

DRGT · 15/04/2021 22:45

Slowly begin to find and be accepting of 'your' place in the world... do the things that you feel comfortable with and enjoy doing and be kindly accepting of your choices. Life will lead you on your own path, at a rate that works for you. Try not to compare and try not to feel pressured by time frames imposed by the life choices of others. This is your path. You just 'do you' and things will happen as and when they're meant to. Having said that, if your anxiety IS preventing you from doing the things you'd really like to do, and you feel at a standstill, then I really recommend that your first step is seeking out treatment. Don't let your anxiety dictate your path...but be mindful that your path may be different to others because of it. Consider GP for medication and self-referral for CBT

Original poster
Kitkat199 · 15/04/2021 23:04

Thanks everyone
I'm on medication, I've had private counselling before too.
I'm just feeling a bit lost, always have will always be the single fat friend I think 🙁

OP posts:
0gfhty · 15/04/2021 23:16

You are definitely not being left behind. In my late 20's no one in my immediate circle was getting married and having kids. Mostly all of us were looking for boyfriends or dealing with dysfunctional relationships. Lots of my circle were travelling or working abroad or doing career things. I guess some have ended up getting married but life is a struggle for them in other ways. Some have had children and that is hard too and it certainly doesn't make them feel complete. Single fat friends only exist in sitcoms, it's a load of rubbish don't put yourself down like that.

HEYBritneyAreYouReadyy · 15/04/2021 23:40

@Kitkat199

Thanks everyone I'm on medication, I've had private counselling before too. I'm just feeling a bit lost, always have will always be the single fat friend I think 🙁
Have you tried online dating?
Smurfsarethefuture · 15/04/2021 23:43

There’s a guy on Instagram I’ve been following called Cory mascara and he is really helpful to listen to about this kind of stuff.

To my mind, I would try and focus on things you enjoy doing or want to try. Like, make a list of 50 things to do (ice skate/visit Paris- it doesn’t matter what you do). These are things you can get excited about planning to do and this gives you a bit of focus, something to talk about and a direction. You will meet people as you do this (and maybe someone special?!) but you have lots then to occupy your time.

I don’t mean to be dismissive of your anxiety but I think when we focus on anxiety we make it worse but if we focus on small manageable things our confidence increases and then we can get into the right headspace where we can then manage the anxiety. There is actually quite a lot of bad advice out there about it, imv and we all need something to take our mind off our worries - whatever works for you, but one strategy to get started is to write a bucket type list.

X

Smurfsarethefuture · 15/04/2021 23:49

And whatever/whoever you are getting this idea of being left behind because you are single in your 20s is to be avoided because in your 20s you should be trying things out not settling down. Give yourself breathing space to just enjoy finding out who you are xx

Clydesider · 16/04/2021 00:10

I used to feel exactly the way you've described, OP. I hated everything about myself and thought everyone else did, too. Hardly ever went out, rarely had a boyfriend, fat & frumpy. Felt rejected, like life had cast me aside.

I knew I had no self esteem and, even now I still feel very badly about myself at times. But as I got older I realised where my issues stemmed from and started to accept myself a bit more. I began to keep a daily record of anything good or positive that happened each day, no matter how small; a sunny day, birdsong outside the bedroom window, a compliment received etc. It helped to shift my focus away from putting myself down all the time.

I didn't meet my now husband till my late 30s and I'm still crackers about him. He makes me feel beautiful and loved. I also recently looked into style coaching to help me feel better about my look and how to dress to suit my shape. My coach is also helping with my lack of confidence, too.

If it can happen for me, it can for you, too. Look for your positives and others will see them, too.

AnnaFiveTowns · 16/04/2021 00:28

No, people don't go off you, I'm sure. Your anxiety tells you they do so then you withdraw from them and they think you're no longer interested in them so they withdraw from you and then you think they've gone off you. It's your anxiety lying to you. Do you like reading? I like Matt Haig's stuff about mental health and anxiety. You sound lovely, OP.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 16/04/2021 00:35

Hi @Kitkat199

I just want to say that I've been in the exact same place as you.

I know how you must be feeling, but trust me, it will get better. You've got so much more life left to live, and so much to achieve. ❤️

You will find someone lovely, you will have the family you want, you just have to focus on yourself first, and take care of yourself, and then the rest will follow, I promise you Thanks

Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️😘❤️😘

Divebar2021 · 16/04/2021 00:42

You don’t have to be passive about aspects of your life - there are things in your life that you have control of - like what you eat and your weight. Accept yourself as the way you are or do something about it. I have been the fat person but I’m sick of that and now I’m doing something about it and I feel better about myself. What are the other aspects that you can control ? What can you do today that will make yourself feel better about yourself?

Original poster
Kitkat199 · 16/04/2021 08:57

I have, I lost 6 stone over the last few years

OP posts:
Backupthebus · 16/04/2021 09:41

Congratulations Kitkat, that’s an amazing weightloss.

Please don’t compare your friends status to yours. Late 20’s is so young. (I’m late 40’s).
What things do you enjoy doing?

Tal45 · 16/04/2021 10:28

I wish I'd realised how young I was and how much potential I had in my 20's!! Are you working OP? The right job can be fantastic for your self esteem and meeting people. If you don't work due to your anxiety then I would really, really recommend volunteering. It can really help with confidence and self esteem knowing that you are doing something positive for others. Do you have any hobbies? Anything you are passionate about? I would really work at finding things you enjoy doing and going for it, it's a great way to meet likeminded people x

Ileflottante · 16/04/2021 10:39

Do you work OP? If so, I’d focus on that as a means to develop your self worth, not whether you have a man or not.

Maybe work out a financial plan to build some savings so you can start to collect for a house deposit, look at career development to increase your earning potential, etc.

Having a bit of savings and a house that you’ve got all on your own, is much more rewarding and of value than whether you have a tolerable man in your bed at night. And as your self worth increases, so will your self respect and boundaries and with that, your ability to choose a man (if you so wish) that is worthy of you.

You’re not left behind, your road is just different to theirs. Smile

Original poster
Kitkat199 · 16/04/2021 11:55

Thank you 😊 I do work, and I also own my own flat, I would love to move into a house and thats something I really want to achieve

OP posts:
Smurfsarethefuture · 16/04/2021 12:57

Wow! That’s 2 really significant accomplishments!

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