Partner thinks our son hates him, I disagree, advice please!

[honeybee95]

Our DS is 18 months and is such a loving little boy, however for the past few weeks seems to have an aversion to his dad. For example, he’ll reach for me every time, even from his dad’s arms, he lights up when he sees me, when he comes out of nursery if I pick him up he’ll be delighted to see me but doesn’t seem half bothered if his dad picks him up, even though he’s as happy to see him as I am. He’ll be fine when he’s alone with his dad, play lovely, be affectionate, but he is very different with me. He’ll cry and scream when I leave a room, he’s like glue to me, but he doesn’t seem to care when his dad leaves, I have explained I think it’s all normal as he’s attached to me because we spend so much time together. I’m a stay at home mum to him. But my DP feels like he just doesn’t like him. If all 3 of us are in a room together he just wants me to play with him, his dad will pick up a toy and he’ll immediately take it off him and give it to me to play with. He’s never done this before, but he does it every single time now, he just wants me to do everything with him all the time. I do say when he hands me things, ‘pass to daddy, or daddy wants to play, don’t you daddy?’ to try and encourage, but he just takes it off him and gives it to me. I don’t think it’s anything he’s doing wrong, he’s present, he plays with him, baths him, makes him giggle, spends lots of time with him after work etc, he just seems to prefer me lately. I said I think it’s just a stage but just wanted some opinions or experience so I can hopefully make him feel better. Any ideas?

I think your dp needs reassuring that children do go through phases where they like one parent and don’t seem to like the other, but it does pass.

Maybe your do needs to be the main source of treats or fun experiences for a while - not completely, and not forever, because you don’t want to end up with him being seen as the ‘fun’ parent, and you doing all the boring stuff - but enough that your son starts to associate daddy with fun and nice things.

I'm quite sure separation anxiety peaks at 18 months. It sounds like it's just a phase and will pass.
But your husband needs to understand it's not him, maybe just reassure? Read him some things about separation anxiety. I'm sure it's hurtful to feel like your son doesn't want you around but best thing dad can do is respect little ones feelings right now and just reassure him that's it's ok to play with mummy right now etc.

We had this, and my poor DH had to endure "No, go away Daddy! Not want you!" multiple times a day. He was very good about it but it obviously was hurtful.

We went for a combination of me showing DH lots of positive attention and affection, making sure that some activities were Daddy only and letting DC have "Mummy time" to balance it out. It just passed in the end. My DH reckons that their solo trips out for walks and to the park really helped as he had sole charge without me there as default (no complaints from me, I got a break!)

I am still definitely the favourite but the balance is better and no outright rejection of DH now. We've put it down to "a phase" as with most of our parenting experience so far!

All kids go through this phase, my DD is a mummy's girl at the minute, its a comfort thing, but more so if she's teething.

It’s normal, my son is 2.5 and periodically goes through phases where he doesn’t want his dad. He also howls his head off if I leave the house but then within a minute or two of me walking out the door he will be playing and laughing happily with his dad.

Just to reassure your partner, my DS was very much a mummy’s boy all through early childhood. It’s likely just a stage and probably will be shorter with your DS than with mine.

One thing that I’m sure helped massively was that DH never once showed DS he was hurt about it and always acknowledged DS’ need for me. For example, if DS was in DH’s arms and leaned over for me, DH would pass him straight over with a relaxed smile saying something like, ‘Ah, everybody loves Mummy!’ He never tried to cling on to DS to convince him to stay in with him a bit longer. As DS got older, his attachment to DH strengthened and he’d be happy spending long periods playing with DH without wanting me.

Sounds like your DH is doing everything right. Just to reassure him, my DH and DS (now 11!) are as thick as thieves and their relationship really blossomed from around age 7 or 8 onwards. Now it’s my turn to be phased out a little as DS grows older and DH becomes more important from a male role model perspective. DS generally only picks me over Dad now when he’s under the weather, needs help with certain pieces of homework or wants to discuss certain topics he knows his dad isn’t particularly interested in.

Soon the teen years will kick in and I expect we will both be in the doghouse

We had this with dd1 at similar age only it was me she was rejecting! My sister had similar with her eldest. It’s a stage but an upsetting one! Weirdly for both of us only eldest like this subsequent DC didn’t have this stage.