To expect my DP's Dad to be supportive?

[ClaphamLauren]

I'm almost 24 weeks pregnant and it was a complete surprise and not ideal circumstances. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and in that time we'd been a bit on and off, I'm only 20 although I do have a career and have worked in media and events for the last four years, own my own flat blah blah. Anyway, it was a big shock when I found out, I had been on the pill so it took lots of thinking and upset to make the decision that I would have the baby. Dp would have rathered I had an abortion, as would his family.

Massively emotional time for us and it all culminated in DP saying he never wanted to see me or the baby ever. Turns out this was due to a conversation he had with his parents about how disappointed they were in him how he didn't HAVE to put his life on hold etc. Finally after not speaking for a couple of weeks we sat down and decided that we would give things a try and after a couple of months or so it was going relatively well and I moved in with him a few weeks ago whilst my flat is on the market as I am planning to move nearer my Mum in Surrey.

The last few months have been hard work with lots of arguments, discussions and tears but I thought we were finally getting to the point of being ok. He went to his parents for lunch yesterday and I asked him to take some pictures of his house, old bedroom etc as it was his childhood home I was interested in seeing what it was like as I probably won't see it until after baby is born as they're about two hours away on the train that doesn't appeal right now.

His Dad (who has never met me) asked why I wanted pictures, if it was to try and work out the value of the house! Then said the sooner I moved out (which I will kind of be doing as we're going to run a London flat and Surrey flat so dp doesn't have to commute to Surrey every night on top of his long working hours) the better and that he would be happier when I wasn't living with dp and manipulating him. Keeps saying to him if you want to split up with Lauren you can, we'll help you pay her maintenance and keep her off your back etc.

After the hard work we've put in to trying to make our relationship work am I being unreasonable to expect support from his family not encouragement for him to split up with me!?

I just don't really understand it, his parents haven't met me yet, they're coming down on Saturday for lunch and I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this animosity and I don't know if I have the right to say ask dp to speak to them about there attitude.

Please help! Sorry for the ramble...

Mumsnetters... Don't let me down now!

This might sound cold but...

If he's so happy to let his family run his life for him, he'll never be the kind of partner and father you need. Unless he changes and stands up to them, you'll be better off without him.

He may be young but it's time he grew up.

He's not that young, he's 28! I completely agree though HappyDaddy and I want to ask him to tell them to stop interfering but not sure if that's fair?

He seems to be almost scared of them. I have the most amazing family who support me no matter what so I don't really know how to deal with all this negativity.

Agree with HD, this is your DP's problem and not yours. Why is he telling you about this? Sounds like he might be saying one thing to his parents and another to you.

You've obviously got yourself a good support network, you're sorting out your flat etc. so you will be FINE no matter what you decide. So there's no need to stay with him if you're going to have to carry him as well as the baby. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions.

God, you poor thing. Not what you need when pregnant. From what you've said i would forge ahead without their support and make sure you look after yourself and the baby. Maybe they'll come round after the baby is born. But in the meantime ignore them if they can't be happy for you and if your dp visits them, tell him you don't want to know what was said. It sounds like dp is not standing up for you either. Do you really want then to lunch?

28 and his dad is offering to pay maintenance for his child? And you are 20, financially independent and with a great family...

i.e. you are a great catch no matter what the circs. He doesn't sound it tbh.

I had a similar prob, my DP's parents were dead against me despite never having met me as they saw me as the scarlet woman that broke up his marriage (not true but you know how it is). Finally met them when DD was about 3 months old. As I didn't really care what they thought of me I was totally relaxed and myself and dazzled them with my charm. They ended up telling DP they were very impressed, what a great catch I was (lol!) etc. etc.

Just try not to worry, smile and be yourself, be polite but not servile. Don't try too hard to impress. If you're nervous you're not going to get the best of you across. Just pretend that they're neighbours/people from work/whatever that you're not really fussed about.

If they're bigotted nothing is going to make them like you anyway, whereas if they're intelligent human beings they'll like you for what you are.

Its time he stood up to them, and I dont know how they have the nerve to have lunch with you when they are saying all these nasty things behind your back
Also wonder why your DP is telling you the nasty things they have said, he must realise it will be upsetting for you

No, I don't really want them to lunch but feel like maybe if I put in some effort then they'll start to like me. Not sure however that I have the emotional energy to invest in them.

I guess I think they should want to like me and do so without question until I do something to prove them wrong. My parents have never said a bad word about my dp although I'm sure they must think he is a first class twat sometimes.

Urgh, this is so rubbish.

What a set of complete bastards! I wouldnt have these disgusting people in my house. I also wouldn't want their 'approval'
How very dare they!

I wish I had some great advice..but don't.

Sort of agree with HD - you haven't said how old your DP is but assuming it's roughly the same as yours, he will be a young father and that is a daunting prospect. I was 20 when I became pregnant with DS1 - now he's 20 and not even close in terms of maturity etc to handle fatherhood himself. 20 year old men are really still teenagers - they are still basically of the view that the world revolves around them and their immediate needs. It strikes me that at 20, you have immense maturity and have dealt with all this impressively well - you will be a great parent (I wish I could say the same for me at 20 - I really wasn't great).
I'm trying to think how I would feel if my immature 20 year old DS1 told me his on-off girlfriend was pregnant. I know I would be supportive of both of them, and would certainly recognise that the baby was DS1's full responsibility, but part of me would still be thinking "He's still my baby boy - he's not ready for this - make it go away". That may be part of how your DP's parents are feeling. I think you need to be sweet and charming and TALK to them on Sunday - remind them you'll have your Mum's support, talk about your career. And however they feel now, when they see their grandchild I bet it will all change.

After the time I took to write that, I find out he's 28 - quite old enough to tell his parents where to go.

Don't put any effort in. That way, if they don't like you you won't feel like you've lowered yourself. Really, just be yourself, I'm sure you're wonderful as you are, you don't need to impress.

Agree with your DP telling his lot to takr a hike.

And another thing, god this really annoys me, you would expect people to get wiser and more tolerant with age but obviously not these nasty so called parents.
Why should you have these unpleasant people in your house.
You are pregnant ffs, do they think it's funny to stress out a pregnant woman, cancel lunch and if your dp doesn't like it he can go back to mummy and daddy.

RRRraaaaaaaagggghhhhhhh!

and relax

Can your parents be there on Saturday as well? Your DH's parents might be more civil if they realise that you are part of a supportive and united family.
I too would question why your partner is telling you all this stuff that his parents have said - it seems hurtful and unnecessary. You need to make it clear to him that you intend to be on your best and most charming behaviour on Saturday and you expect them to be likewise. Be charming and self-assured and make it absolutely clear that it is they who need your approval, not vice versa.

Can your parents be there on Saturday as well? Your DH's parents might be more civil if they realise that you are part of a supportive and united family.
I too would question why your partner is telling you all this stuff that his parents have said - it seems hurtful and unnecessary. You need to make it clear to him that you intend to be on your best and most charming behaviour on Saturday and you expect them to be likewise. Be charming and self-assured and make it absolutely clear that it is they who need your approval, not vice versa.

Oh dear, i feel my rant may have scared the op...

IMO this is one reason why so many men can be feckless dads and be ok with it. I cannot fathom encouraging any son of mine to abandon his responsibilities

WTH??!!

You're right, thank you all for reassuring me. When I told dp how nasty I thought it was he was saying that I was over reacting, it was my hormones (that's always guaranteed to really annoy me!) and that he must have worded it incorrectly. I must not doubt my own opinion so much, I don't know what's happened to me since being pregnant, I seem to have reverted to being a baby!

I guess my big concern is that he will take his parents advice and leave again, possibly to do with my lack of trust in him as well as his nasty parents but I certainly don't think he needs encouragement to do it. Think I may suggest that my Mum comes along on Saturday too, that's a great idea as I need someone to be on side as I don't really feel like dp is when it comes to his family. On the plus side, his Mum seems to be normal but just a bit weak in terms of standing up to dp's Dad.

I used to think evil in-laws were a myth! Karma's a bitch eh.

i go with ROSA - they do sound quite horrible, they need reminding that this is their grandchild, their vile behaviour will ulimately affect their relationship with said child - are they prepared to risk estrangment from a baby that could bring such joy?

your dp needs to grow a backbone and tell them to behave and start treating you with a bit of respect, you are carrying his baby ffs.

I would have me parents or a sibling/good friend there too for moral backup...
They should not be allowed to outnumber you in your own home.

Arseholes in my opinion, but then who knows what your dp has told them about you?

Agree with geekymummy. I have 2 sons and although i may not think it is ideal to have an unplanned baby, i would certainly not be encouraging them to abandon their responsibilities!

Are his parents forgetting that they are about to have a grandchild that will be in their lives forever? If they want the best or their son and their grandchild, THEY should be making the effort to show YOU how nice they are, not the other way round!!

Be yourself and let your DP sort them out. Enjoy your pregnancy. x

Am fuming at your partner suggesting you are overreacting - his parents are telling him to leave his pg girlfriend and you are overreacting? Does he think you should agree with them?

Getting your mum along for backup a good idea. It sounds like you are stronger and more mature than them anyway, so you don't need us to tell you not to lower yourself to their level

Concentrate on the fact that you will be a fabolous mum. Whether your partner or his parents are involved is up to them (apart from financial support of course, where they have no choice).

I had friends in a similar situation, with his parents telling him to leave his pg girlfriend as she was obviously trying to entrap him . It's a LOT of stress to deal with when you are pg. They ignored his folks and are still together (now married) with a lovely little girl