'Don't get upset' - a form of victim blaming?

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My sister is a bully with narc traits who throws tantrums at any perceived slight. My mum is scared of her and her temper, so has pandered to her for over 20 years, regardless of the cost to me. There are many, many examples, a minor one being an old vase of mum's that I liked. She checked with sis twice that she was OK with me having it, and buying her one more to her taste, yet when sis realised I had taken it from the house she threw a tantrum with the result that mum told me I had to give it to her. So she gets two, I get nothing, and get made to feel like shit in the process.

I'm not allowed to get upset about any of this. I've been told in the past that I wasn't 'really upset earlier' after bursting into tears about something I'd done.

Last year we were unfortunately all together for a week and I had a horrendous time. I had nightmares over it for months. Unfortunately it seems I can no longer go and see my mother without my sister turning up.

My mother last night told me I'm not allowed to get upset if she does, however badly she treats me. It made me think, is this not a form of victim blaming? Surely the emphasis should be on the bully not to bully?

There's no option not to go, my mum's in a bad way and I need to see her.

It is totally victim blaming and also cowardice on your mothers part.

How does your sister know you're seeing your mum? Couldn't you go without telling her?

Your mum is in the wrong here, but you can't expect her to change after so many years, so you need to find a solution that works for you. Can you just leave as soon as your sister arrives?

Your feelings are not anybody else’s to dictate to you. If your DM wants you to visit, she needs to understand that your sister’s treatment of you IS upsetting you and be prepared to speak to her, or back you up when you do.
I would advise not reacting to your sister except to calmly say that you’re not having this discussion/argument with her and leave the room if she starts being abusive towards you. Tell your DM that’s what you will do in future, and ask her to react the same in solidarity.
If she’s being ignored and you both refuse to engage, that might break the cycle (it worked for me with a similarly narcissistic sibling).
Good luck OP

Im not going to judge your mum for pondering to her if she's scared. However your mum telling you how to handle things and expecting you to not get upset is way out of line.

Does your sister know you're coming because your mother tells her? If so, can you start "just popping in" without warning, so she doesn't find out? Like a PP said, it's unlikely you're going to be able to change the dynamic now, so it's just a matter of trying to have some decent quality time with your mum.

I think (based on my own situation, where my wee dad was like this, but with my mum) - it can be as if they try and recruit you in as a colleague to deal with the difficult person. They think, you're nice, you'll help me. It doesn't seem to occur to them that you both could just tell the difficult person to sod off.

You say your Mum doesn't stand up to your sister and panders to her. It sounds as though you need to stand up to your sister a bit more too. eg why did you hand the vase back - you'd been given it, it was yours. Just say No.

I agree. I've always thought, 'don't get upset' is a form of victim blaming. Or worse still, 'don't upset yourself' makes me want to scream !

No, I haven't upset myself. I'm upset because of the incident/circumstance etc.

Just to let you know that it is part of being a narc to control parent/s or the surviving parent. I didn't know why my sibling wanted to supervise my relationship with surviving parent and vice versa. I do now. Commenting on what I'm like to surviving parent. Commenting on what surviving parent is like to me.

It's also a narc trait to meddle in the will/inheritance so that the narc can steer things their way.

So you sister just happening to turn up when you are visiting your Mum does not surprise me one iota.

It reminds me of a visit to surviving parent that my sibling knew about, and, assuming I had left by mid afternoon, contacted surviving parent. I overheard surviving parent remark, 'Toffee's here now' oh sibling couldn't end the communication fast enough !

Ooops, did the balloon just go up ?

Seems that someone i.e. sibling assumed I would leave by early/mid afternoon like they do when they visit. Nope. I hadn't.

Well then you can tell your sister don't get upset/don't get angry when you respond to everything she says with 'fuck off'. Works both ways.

It’s disgusting behaviour from both of them. What benefit does a relationship with them bring you? Why not just stop seeing them? They sound awful.

I think this is outlandish too. Why...why did you have to relinquish the vase?! What would have happened if you’d said, “No, I’m keeping it.”?

YANBU. Your DSis sounds like an abusive psychopath who should’ve been dealt with properly years ago. Your poor DM- and poor you!

Go NC with your DSis as soon as you’re able - and don’t let her bully you further if you’re able to stop it. I wouldn’t have her in your life when your DM is no longer around.

I don't know if you are familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?
In the drama triangle there are 3 positions; Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.
Your sister starts off feeling like she is the victim, and you are her persecutor. She kicks off and demands you mother steps in to play the role of her rescuer. In rescuing her, your mother then becomes your persecutor and you become the victim. Then things calm down until the next time she imagines you are being treated favourably.

You do have some agency here, you don't have to go along with it any more. You are an independent adult. You can let things carry on as they are, and change the way you feel about it. Or you can change the way you respond to both of them, and put some boundaries in place about how you will accept being treated.

If their behaviour seems so overwhelming that it is affecting you, but you feel unable to act or leave, why not look into counselling?

At the end of your post you explain your Mum is in a bad way. What she’s telling you is that she can’t deal with you getting “upset” as well as your sisters tantrums. She possibly doesn’t have the stomach to see you two fall out for good.

Can you tell your sister “Mum is ill. This is not the time to sort out our differences and argue over xxx.” If she throws more tantrums to get her own way, let her. But then tell her “you’re getting away with your behaviour now because I’m protecting Mum. Don’t think you’re going to get your own way with me after this is over”.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to get upset.

And if visiting your mother results in you getting upset, then you do have the option not to see her, however ill she is. Look after yourself first.