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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need some advice!

18 replies

Amyhuntxx · 15/04/2021 09:32

So basically, my boyfriend went to prison last year. He left me to pick up the pieces, gave birth on my own, currently living in our flat by myself with a 6 month old. Not been the easiest. I found out he slept with someone while I was pregnant - for a part of my pregnancy we weren’t actually in a relationship but we both agreed on being good parents. As you can imagine this has stuck with me, even though we weren’t together I was pregnant with his child. I don’t think I’ll ever fully forget as he done this to me at such a vulnerable time. Anyway, I went out the other night and had my first drink in about a year and a half and got pretty drunk. This one boy was really putting it on me, I said to him nothing would be happening because I have a boyfriend so many times. Too many times. He kept trying and as bad as it sounds, I just caved in. I didn’t even want to do it I wasn’t attracted to him so bit of a weird one. He got right over me and we kissed for a few seconds before me stopping it saying I couldn’t continue because I think he thought it was going somewhere and if I hadn’t of stopped it, it definitely would’ve. The next evening I spoke to my boyfriend - baring in mind he’s in prison. I told him and he said he was going and literally just hung up on me. I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve written him a letter explaining myself and basically what I said above. My friends are saying what I’ve done is nothing in comparison to what he did to me and maybe a slight dose of his own medicine but I cannot help to not view it like this because I have too much of a conscience believe it or not.. I want him to forgive me but I’m worried he won’t. I’ve been so loyal to him prior to this, even when he wasn’t in prison and I knew he was doing things behind my back. I haven’t spoken to a single male apart from friends prior to this. Any help or advice how I can make this better? Thanks x

OP posts:
Thatwentbadly · 15/04/2021 09:34

I think you need some time out from relationships for while to focus on yourself.

MatildaTheCat · 15/04/2021 09:38

He’s done you a favour by reminding you why you broke up before. Just reset the boundaries as being good parents ( doesn’t sound particularly likely on his part). On no account should you try to convince him to come back to you.

OolieMacdoolie · 15/04/2021 09:42

You don’t need to make it better. You don’t owe him anything. Your ‘conscience’ is actually an unhealthy desire to be a people pleaser, not something you should listen to in this instance.

BrilliantBetty · 15/04/2021 09:47

Do you actually want to be in a relationship with this man? The one in prison.

Do you see your future with him? If not, this is a good opportunity to end it for good.

That doesn't mean you can't be good co-parents (after you both get used to the new situation).

This could be a blessing in disguise........
though i'm sorry that other guy pressured you so badly in to the kiss, that's horrible.

AssassinatedBeauty · 15/04/2021 09:52

Why do you even care what this man thinks, given he's treated you abysmally. Committing crimes and being sent to prison being the first thing, then being unfaithful and leaving you when you were pregnant. What positives does this man bring to your life?

You don't need to please him or any other man who treats you badly.

BobbuhT · 15/04/2021 09:57

That wasteman should not be your bf, you were mad to tell an incarcerated man that you kissed another man anyway what were you playing at? Were you trying to make him jelly?

You really need to get out of this bad circle and the sorts you are mixing with. The guyforcing himself also sounds scum. You have a flat and a baby focus on being a good mum and the dad should just be the dad. When he is sorted out and stable enough to be a dad.

Break the cycle of this lifestyle, focus on your child and make something out of yourself. Forget about 'boys'. Just be a good mum.

Incywincyspinsters · 15/04/2021 10:00

He’s in prison. He cheated on you while you were pregnant. You broke up while you were pregnant. This sounds like such a shit, toxic relationship that I wonder what it is you would want to save?

If I were you, I’d forget all about these various ‘boys’ and focus on you and your baby. You need to be a strong role model for them and show them how to be healthy, strong and independent.

BrilliantBetty · 15/04/2021 10:09

Agree with @BobbuhT

Elieza · 15/04/2021 10:11

Stop playing games to try and hurt him or make him want you or whatever.

It’s not worth it.

He’s a cheating lawbreaking arsehole. You can do better. He doesn’t love you. If he did he wouldn’t have done what he did.

You’ve got a baby. That needs to be your priority. Not getting drunk and potentially shagging someone for the wrong reasons.

You deserve better. And you deserve to treat yourself better. You’ve done an amazing thing. A baby is life changing.

Try and get life how you want it. See your pals (within covid rules) and get tipsy but don’t go mental or this same situation will happen.

Take time to plan how you want things to be. Set some goals. Work towards them. This is your life. Not his.

In due course you will meet someone else who treats you well and is a great guy. Don’t tie yourself to that arse. You can have the life you dreamed of. Don’t ‘settle’ for him.

Flowers
VegCheeseandCrackers · 15/04/2021 10:30

You owe him absolutely nothing and you deserve so much more

RonSwansonsChair · 15/04/2021 10:34

Get rid and focus on your child.

Laggartha · 15/04/2021 10:37

Oh sweetheart, how old are you?

Ilikewinter · 15/04/2021 10:42

I think you need to learn to love and respect your self and gain some self confidence.
Not only are you in a relationship (if you can called it that) with a terrible person youve also allowed yourself to get into a potentially danergous situation with another man.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2021 10:51

Why are you even continuing to date some loser in prison? Dump him

moofolk · 15/04/2021 10:54

Dump him.

Focus on yourself and your little one.

It can feel so good to go out and have that first night out after having a baby, and this year especially, but can also be overwhelming.

Who were you out with? You should talk to your friends about having your back. A man was forcing himself on you and not respecting your boundaries. That's a massive red flag, avoid him at all costs.

Chat to your mates and make sure they know when you have had enough of someone and ask for solidarity and support.

❤️

Thedogscollar · 15/04/2021 10:58

Forget the boyfriend in prison he has already shown his true colours.

For now concentrate on yourself and your baby. Never sell yourself short for any man. Tell yourself you deserve the best and accept no less.

Incywincyspinsters · 15/04/2021 22:02

I just had a look at your other threads @Amyhuntxx. Do you have good support from your mum? You sound very vulnerable. Please don’t give this waster in prison anymore time. You and your son deserve much, much better.

slashlover · 15/04/2021 22:29

Your boyfriend should be your ex.

Anyway, I went out the other night and had my first drink in about a year and a half and got pretty drunk. This one boy was really putting it on me, I said to him nothing would be happening because I have a boyfriend so many times. Too many times. He kept trying and as bad as it sounds, I just caved in.

This guy potentially took advantage of you while you were drunk.

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