Can friendship really cross the class/money divide?

[Motherhoodrollercoaster]

For context, I’m British but living abroad in an ex-pat community with a large range of nationalities.
Made lots of new ‘Mummy’ friends after my Dd was born and an Fb mums group was created with regular meet ups (less so since covid) which is great.
I’m from an average, middle class background I’d say 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m really not sure, as we were in a nice area with nice schools, I mixed with a range of people but that range wasn’t as huge as it is where I am.
I’d say the majority of mums own multi million pound properties and generally don’t work, on the face of it, you forget all the differences, but when it comes down to it, their lifestyles and experiences are vastly different to mine. We live in a nice home, by the beach with a middle income. In the U.K., my friends and I would all be pretty similar. I often come home from a play date at ones of their homes and feel the difference hugely. I’m also reluctant to invite them back, which I’ve done with all my ‘Normal’ friends, which I realise is stupid and it doesn’t matter what you have and anyone who would care wouldn’t be a proper friend...but can you really cross this divide and form true friendships, or do birds of a feather flock together?

*A Fb mums group was created

I think you're over thinking it. They'll appreciate your friendship and not bat an eye at your smaller house etc.

I think so, yes, as long as both sides are tactful and considerate. It's not very nice to be rejected for being better off, either. Everyone needs friends!

Course you can. My best mate who as a school mum is a cleaner whose DFiance works at McDonalds. My life is more like yours.

She's absolutely fantastic and I love her. Also her DF got my DD all the McD toys when she was small so he will forever have a place in DD's heart!

You have to navigate gifts and meals out and all that so no one feels uncomfortable. I've been to hers and her to mine's hundreds of times. As long as there's tea, every house is the same

I mean, it shouldn't matter but it can. I've had friendships where for example the playdates were always at my place because their home was stuffed to the gunwhales and another adult and toddler in there was difficult - fine in itself but can lead to resentment if things start to feel lopsided. I suppose in your shoes I'd invite them back and see if you feel the fact that they're wealthier is any sort of impediment / whether you feel looked down on. If not, then carry on.

From observation though, I’ve seen that the majority of the same ‘Type’ of backgrounds tend to be in groups more

Anyone who judges you on your house isn’t a friend anyway

i found it easier to be friends with lots of different people when living abroad. as an expact i sort of became classless and that was fine. it was a bit of a shock when i came back to the UK. We live in London and DH and I are on ok public sector salaries but not 6figure sums and I find the divide much bigger now. In fact we just bought a place in a less 'posh' part of London hoping to meet people more like us even though we can afford a much posher neighbourhood. I feel like in London this divide is much harder to bridge or at least coming from abroad I was struck by the extent to which people split into classes or more specifically wage brackets.

It's hard to cross the divide, even with close family. My brother and his wife are millionaires but they're lovely and down to earth. We live in a small semi and their children always make comments about the size/lack of playroom/other houses overlooking the garden etc etc that doesn't happen in their world. They're great kids but they see us as a bit of a curiosity show which is not easy but we invite them anyway and pretend the differences aren't there.

It shouldn't matter.

But there are practical issues.

I used to live in a very affluent area but we are low earners, had a housing benefit top up, struggled to keep afloat most months.

I met some really lovely women when I used to take Dd to groups. But I was never able to progress friendships because I could never do anything with them.

I could do the odd night at the local pub, but most of the time they would all book last min theatre tickets, concert tickets etc. Or want to go out to dinner somewhere where my share of the bill would have been our weekly food budget. Even taking kids out, someone would suggest a theme park. I couldn't just afford to go to Lego land on a whim in half term.

There was a WhatsApp group and someone would always pipe up "omg there are still concert tickets (for something at Wembley) Tonight, shall we go?!" And they would all just be able to drop £100 on a ticket.

They didn't look down on me, but I just couldn't even attempt to keep up.

There was no difference in the houses mainly though - they just owned the almost
£1m tiny London terraces and I paid over priced rent so the houses were the same.

My divide was just money though. I was the same background as most, just poor.

I think it depends on how long you've known each other - my friends from school and uni we've ended up on different incomes/types of houses and its absolutely fine.

With new/"mum" friends when I lived in Surrey I know I shouldn't have but I always felt embarrassed about our rented flat when everyone else owned nice houses with gardens and could have bbqs/get paddling pools out etc.

I live in a village with a massive range of incomes - some huge expensive houses but there is also a council estate. Everyone goes to the same village school (as there is only one). As you have observed, a lot of friendship groups (among the parents I mean - the kids don't care) do seem to be among similar wealth levels, but certainly not all. I can think of several examples that buck the trend. It needn't be like that OP.

My 2 closest friends in the world are both married to millionaires, I get by comfortably but am nowhere near them in terms of size of property or material things. It’s never affected our friendship in any way, and I’m grateful that they NEVER offer to pay for me when we go out (unless it’s my birthday). Frankly I’d be offended if they did, I wouldn’t feel I was their equal

True friendship transcends status.

I think sometimes it can.
Just be yourself though, that's the best way to make yourself and other people feel comfortable.

Some of the class/money divide can also relate to differences in priorities/outlooks. Where we currently live most people around us earn 6 figure sums in jobs they specifically chose for their earning potential. They measure a lot of things in terms of money/wealth - thats the benchmark because thats their reason for doing them. DH and I both professionals and have PhD but chose to work in academia where we will never get paid as much as our friends do.

We chose to pursue our interests/hobbies, they chose money - despite all of us going to the same top unis etc etc. Some of the difference between us are not only due to cash but priorities i.e. they dont understand why we earn as little as we do (i.e. why arent we more successful) - we cant get our heads around doing a job purely for money or you would spend so much time talking about money/brands etc - i just find it dull. not sure whether we can really cross that divide but it doesnt stop our kids from socialising etc -

You can cross those divides and if you get that chance, you should. I've enjoyed a very wide social range if friendships. It's a broadening and enriching experience. Yes, you will always notice the gaps; but they can be very entertaining /thought provoking and they certainly make you appreciate true values.

I have one friend who I can't keep up with financially. She is much richer than I am. She is always asking me to go on holiday with her, and we did one weekend in Paris once, but it wasn't really my thing. She only shops in the most prestigious designer shops, loves having her hair, nails, eyebrows, feet done. I cut my hair once or twice a year, nails are always natural and not done by anyone, pluck my own eyebrows and shop at very middle of the road shops (price wise) or even second hand.

I still like hanging out with her, going for a meal, a walk or whatever. But for us to spend any extended amount of time together, I think we'd need to be more similar.