To worry about my ex's attitude toward our daughter

[gelatodipistacchio]

I left my ex 2 years ago and took our (now 4 year old) daughter with me. I have facilitated regular contact since then.

She hates seeing him. I don't say negative things about him in front of her, but I'm sure she can tell I dislike him.

He constantly switches around his times to visit her so that it is convenient for him. This means he does not spend as much time with her as he should.

She has told me that he shouts at her a lot. When I drop her off to him, she is always miserable and sometimes hysterical.

Earlier tonight, I told him we can't change the schedule for this weekend now because she already expects to be with me (unusually, he asked to see more of her).

He responded that he will see her for an even shorter time than planned, then, because she just rejects him all the time.

AIBU to worry that my ex will take his frustration out on our daughter?

Anyone?

What do you want advantage with?
Helooing to improve their relationship or stopping contact altogether? Its not really clear.
If it was me I would be trying to ensure that my child has a positive experience when she is with her dad, not for him but for her. She is only little so you have years of this ahead

Sorry, didn't want to read and run, but what "frustration" do you mean?

Unfortunately I don't think you can stop contact unless there is risk to the child but I don't know how the authorities involved define risk.

I just don't know what to do and I'm afraid that he's going to take his anger out on her by playing mind games or withholding affection. He's emotionally abusive and I don't see a solution here.

I wouldn't be sending her to him based on this

She has told me that he shouts at her a lot. When I drop her off to him, she is always miserable and sometimes hysterical.

The more recent issue just confirms it tbh.

AIBU to worry that my ex will take his frustration out on our daughter

He already is.

You need to make going to Daddy’s a positive experience, which absolutely means that she CANNOT be allowed to see how much you dislike him.
It would be useful if you and your ex could have a grown up conversation about what he thinks the problem is and how them plan together how to sort it out.

@Temp023 he is not capable of having a productive conversation of this nature. I mean, I can try, but he basically just says it's my fault for leaving.

@rainbowthoughts he's nasty, but good at hiding it. If I withheld contact, he would apply for a contact order

Well you've never dealt with an abusive man have you Temp. Did you miss the bit about him shouting at his 4 year old daughter and being emotionally abusive and yet it's op's job to make it a positive experience?

Any other family members to join on her visits?

I do understand op. My daughter left an abusive marriage nearly three years ago and it's a thankless task dealing with men like that.

Do you have any evidence of his abuse and are you worried about whether he is a danger to your daughter? If so, family court may not be a bad thing. It didn't stop my grandchildren having to see their dad in the end, but it did mean certain things stopped happening and hopefully he will think twice about his actions. He hasn't stopped all the bad behaviour and is tricky to deal with, but I honestly think it would have been worse without the court order.

@Quincie previously, I had hoped / encouraged visits to frequently take place at his parents' house, but this has been disrupted by covid. There are no other family members available

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@rainbowthoughts he's nasty, but good at hiding it. If I withheld contact, he would apply for a contact order[/quote]

Then let him. Take back control. He is still being abusive to you, only he is using an innocent child to do so.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@rainbowthoughts he's nasty, but good at hiding it. If I withheld contact, he would apply for a contact order[/quote]
Let him apply

Save any texts/messages, let DD tell them why she doesn't want to go to him.

Push for supervised visits only, if any (by official people not his family)

He has no 'right' to see her, she has a 'right' to see him - not an obligation.

I don't think you should be forcing her to go when she doesn't want to. Let him take you to court and discuss you concerns, hope for supervised contact or anger management/parenting courses.