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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

End of my tether with DH’s mood swings

24 replies

MoodyMcMoodie · 13/04/2021 10:14

DH has mood swings (he acknowledges this). Mainly down to work stress but maybe some other stuff going on. Says its not me.

When he’s having one, he’ll shrug his shoulders at me, give one word answers, not engage with family life. Can last a day, sometimes longer. Never really get told what its about. Happens every couple of weeks. Most recently on a day out with the kids.

Drives me absolutely insane. Feel sick whilst its going on. Feel like I can’t look forward to anything because he might be having one of those days.

I’m thinking of leaving him. AIBU? I feel mean but I’m finding it hard and I don’t want the kids to feel how I do.

I’ve suggested going to the doctor but he won’t btw.

Any thoughts gratefully received...

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 13/04/2021 10:16

You will never change him

You can choose to stay like this or you can choose to leave and be happy. You deserve the latter

CirclesWithinCircles · 13/04/2021 10:26

Sounds like CBT might help him. If he can be persuaded to go.

Tal45 · 13/04/2021 10:33

It sounds horrible but it sounds like he is really struggling. I wouldn't leave yet though. Have you gently told him the impact this is having on you, you 're constantly feeling anxious wondering when the next episode is going to be, feeling sick unable to look forward to anything. There's a good chance he feels exactly the same way just for totally different reasons. If you can do it in a way that helps you understand what each other is feeling it might help him open up.

Communication is absolutely key though and him shutting down like this isn't helping anyone. You need to very gently talk about it when he is not having a down day and he needs to open up so you can work together to find a way to help him feel better which in turn will help you feel better. This might involve looking at changing his job, how to deal with certain people that he is finding difficult, looking at his self esteem, looking at hobbies or things for him to do that he really enjoys and/or going to the doctors for depression.

If you've tried the gentle route and he can't or won't talk and won't go to the doctors then I think you will need to get brutal and tell him that this is having such an impact on you that you can't continue this way and he has to make a choice. You'll support him in going to the docs and be understanding of anything he tells you but if he doesn't want to change or do anything about it then he will have to leave.

VettiyaIruken · 13/04/2021 10:37

Leaving might be the shock he needs! His behaviour will affect the children and the longer they are exposed to it, the worse it will be

Grapewrath · 13/04/2021 10:41

Hi- my dh used to do similar. During these periods I would get in with my day and not spend it trying to appease or comfort him. You are not responsible for his feelings.
Be clear that when he is having one of those days that he should be honest and take some time out for himself rather than come along to trips etc and ruin them. During those periods busy yourself with plans and friends etc and don’t take on the emotional labour. He’s a grown adult and if he won’t seek help then that’s not your issue

Georgieporgie29 · 13/04/2021 10:44

My DH can be like this. He’s so used to bottling everything up after a really shitty upbringing. It has caused many arguments over the years. He has now started counselling so fingers crossed this will make a difference, he has only just started so I can’t say if it has at the moment.

Sorry I can’t be much more help, it is something that your DH needs to tackle though and I appreciate the affect on you, it wears away at you each time he does it and you feel further and further away from them, or at least I do anyway. I haven’t reached my breaking point yet and I have some hope due to the counselling, however, if your dh won’t try anything then I can’t see it getting any better for you. I hope it does though.

hellswelshy · 13/04/2021 10:46

Has he always been like this or has work been stressful just recently? My dh is hard work if he has a period of stress in work but he acknowledges this and seeks to avoid these triggers in work as much as possible. I am patient for a while then calmly let him know how much it impacts me & the dc and that he needs to sort it out. It's rare for us though, not on going. What does he say when you talk about it?

Original poster

MoodyMcMoodie · 13/04/2021 10:56

Its been on an off for a couple of years, mainly coinciding with stressful times at work.

I’ve tried to raise it gently (and tbh sometimes less gently), but I’m told then that I’m not being supportive...

OP posts:

MaskingForIt · 13/04/2021 10:57

My mum was like this. We walked on eggshells waiting for her to kick off. It was a horrible environment to grow up in. Please don’t subject your children to this.

suspiria777 · 13/04/2021 10:59

what happens if you try to talk to him about it when he's in a good mood?

Original poster

MoodyMcMoodie · 13/04/2021 11:04

If I talk about it when he’s on a good mood he just shuts down.

OP posts:

DaydreamsAndWishes · 13/04/2021 11:19

I’ve tried to raise it gently (and tbh sometimes less gently), but I’m told then that I’m not being supportive.

I would ask what other kind of support does your DH need from you because accepting his low moods and treatment of you/DC isn't working for you and is affecting your own mental health (so much so you want to leave).

DaydreamsAndWishes · 13/04/2021 11:20

@MoodyMcMoodie Have you told him how his actions during "one of his episodes" affects you? How you feel?

Have you told him you feel like leaving?

Incywincyspinsters · 13/04/2021 11:34

When a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety, or low mood triggered by stress, flares up, the behaviour you’ve described sounds very typical of it.

He needs to speak to a doctor to try a talking therapy if he doesn’t want to try a drug therapy.

It’s no way for him or you to live.

FOJN · 13/04/2021 11:39

He acknowledges he has mood swings, causes tension when he's in a bad mood and complains you're not supportive even though he doesn't try to communicate the problem and you're often non the wiser about what caused the bad mood after the event. You've tried to discuss it but nothing changes. He's a grown man behaving like a child. He may well struggle with work related stress but that does not give him the right to take it out on the rest of the family. We are all human so if this was an occasional thing followed by an apology and explanation I think it's forgivable but it looks like its a fairly regular occurrence which is not acceptable.

I'd stop being gentle and very calmly tell him it's so intolerable you are thinking of leaving. I'd be clear about how you would like things to change and tell him that coming up with a plan to achieve that is his job, you will do your best to support him but you're not a mind reader and you will not put up with it any longer if he cannot find a way to manage his work stress without it having an impact on everyone else in the house.

It's selfish and childish for an adult to be so unaware/unconcerned about how their moody behaviour affects other people.

hellswelshy · 13/04/2021 11:44

Okay, well based on your responses OP, I think you have tried all you can. Does he realise that you feel close to leaving? Or does he actually think it's okay to live like this? I would lay it down very clearly for him, in no uncertain terms that unless something changes then it will spell the end for your relationship. If the stress is purely work (is it?) then there must be a way forward but he needs to be committed to working it out.

Triffid1 · 13/04/2021 11:55

Aaah, well, of course, you are not being supportive. Because he should be allowed to check out of family life, treat you and the DC badly, expect all of you to run around attempting to appease him when he's in a mood for no discernible reason. Obviously.

OP, this really isn't okay. At best, he's got mental health issues that he refuses to address and that are having a significant negative impact on you and the DC and that is not fair.

At worst, whether or not the above is true, he is ALSO being extremely controlling as this way he gets to a) enjoy you ad the DC running around trying to make him feel better and/or b) ensure that you and the DC actively constantly avoid doing anything that might trigger one of these moods and/or c) has you on edge all the time as you worry about the mood which may or may not impact the way you behave.

Do you find that you spend a lot of time, for example, before a family planned activity, doing everything you can to ensure that one of these moods does not descend?

I'd say he deals with it or you move on.

gingerscot · 13/04/2021 12:12

How is he with other people during these spells? Is it just you and the kids who get this treatment? Will help you understand whether he can “control” it or not....

Triffid1 · 13/04/2021 12:17

@gingerscot

How is he with other people during these spells? Is it just you and the kids who get this treatment? Will help you understand whether he can “control” it or not....

This is a good point. BUT... I would argue whether he can control it or not, it is affecting his and other peoples lives and if he isn't willing to deal with it, then the behaviour starts to edge over into abusive.

BIL can be a moody bugger and can't control it so it affects the rest of us too. But he won't take ownership. He expects SIL and the rest of us to accept it. And it makes so many occasions miserable and as a result, I can barely manage to be in the same room with him even when he's not in a mood.

MyGoMargot · 13/04/2021 12:18

If he acknowledges these issues and is aware that they impact you but is refusing to look at ways to improve/change/get better then to me that sounds quite emotionally abusive

It’s horrible to live alongside OP and I’m sorry you’re experiencing it

whatisforteamum · 13/04/2021 12:56

Moodymcmoodie I'm in a similar situation.
My counsellor suggested dh seeks help as his withdrawal and mood swings affect me.
I can be happy and positive then something will set him off.From zero to angry.It is draining.I hope he can get some help and things improve for you and the dcs.

Couchpotato3 · 13/04/2021 13:03

This is having a significant impact on both you and the kids. He acknowledges the problem but refuses to do anything about it.

Either you give him an ultimatum - get help, or we leave, or you change the way that you react to it. This is very very hard, as you need to emotionally disengage. If he's in a mood, carry on without him and enjoy your day with the kids - leave him behind, let him miss out, and don't let the day revolve around him.

Either way, I think you need to focus on your kids and your own mental health and decide whether you can bear to carry on, or not. Being supportive is one thing, but it has to be a two-way thing and he has to be prepared to help himself. Acknowledging the problem is the first step, but he isn't acknowledging his responsibility to do something about it for the sake of his family.

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/04/2021 13:05

You cant help someone who wontbhelp themselves.

Don't spend the best years of your life with someone who makes you walk on egg shells and sucks the joy out of everything. You won't ever get those years back. And you will he fixing the damage its done to you for years to come.

Twizbe · 13/04/2021 13:26

Tbh I think it's time for the come to Jesus talk.

Firm but gently say that his mood swings are negatively impacting family.

Focus on how the behaviour makes you feel. Things like 'when your mood is low and you do x behaviour, I feel like y'

Then very simply state that he's out of chances. Either he seeks help (you can give him the link to the NHS talking therapies self referral form) or you and the kids are gone.

If he doesn't fill out that form then sadly it's time to go.

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