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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To disown my narcissistic mother

24 replies

teawomen · 13/04/2021 07:49

Just that. She’s fowl to me. Horrible not a nice word to be said. I have to ring her. She’s been to my home twice in two years because I she is the mother and I should run to her. My dad her estranged husband of more than 20 year (who she hated) died recently very suddenly he was 50 and I’ve have had zero support off her (mind I havnt and would dash her) I’ve had the odd message saying she’s thinking of me, however yesterday she was quick to tell me my faults when arranging his funeral. Apparently I took over and ordered flowers when he wouldn’t want them. How the F would she know. I’m raging inside like one and only thing she has said and it’s negative. The fact she’s mentioned it speaks volumes in my eyes. DH is telling me to ignore it but I can’t.

I’m hurting I was close to my dad (yes she hated that too) we spoke everyday. I’m literally falling apart and she’s sticking the boot in.

Sorry don’t know what to achieve from this anyone have similar. I’d love to be able to ring her for a chat about anything but she is so negative and basically a horrible horrible women.

OP posts:

Original poster

teawomen · 13/04/2021 07:51

Ps there is a lot more nastiness but don’t want to bore people.

She once told me my daughter was so spoilt 8yr old that she could grow up to be a drug addict and die just like her friends son

A mean who says stuff like that to their dd.

OP posts:

SelkieIntegrated · 13/04/2021 07:57

Wow. Im lc with my mother and she is not that bad. Stop ringing her and dont feel guilty.

Xx

SunIsComing · 13/04/2021 07:59

Wow! Block and go NC. She can’t even be nice about your kid... definitely block.

SelkieIntegrated · 13/04/2021 07:59

You need your strength for yourself.

This might sound a bit hippy but look in to self compassion and self kindness on youtube. To get through the FALSE guilt when you step back.

Roselilly36 · 13/04/2021 08:10

Do it OP. My mum criticised my for years, I could never do a thing right, everything was my fault. It becomes so wearing over time.

Once I had my own DS’, I knew I would never dream of treating them in such an awful way.

I have been NC with my mum for years, never once regretted it, only regret is I should have had the courage to be it much sooner.

I know we will never been in touch ever again and that’s a good thing, my life is much happier without her.

Overdueanamechange · 13/04/2021 08:13

So sorry for you loss.
"I’m literally falling apart and she’s sticking the boot in." - you need to tell her this so that she know this was the final straw.

Original poster

teawomen · 13/04/2021 09:14

Thanks al. I mean two days before his funeral she sent a message.

Just realized kids r off school. (Basically she wants to see me struggle. My dad was literally at my beck and call I’d ring him he would bend over backwards to come and help me. I actually don’t know what I am doing to do without him.) and I think she secretly wants me to suffer.

My partner is like just ignore her. (He’s got a very different relationship with his parents. In fact my mil is amazing daily contact can’t help enough I actually go out shopping with her) he doesn’t understand why her words effect me so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

teawomen · 13/04/2021 09:15

Ps of course she didn’t offer to look after dd (wouldn’t have let her anyway just another thing to throw back at me)

OP posts:

Hobbitjar · 13/04/2021 13:00

@teawomen

Ps there is a lot more nastiness but don’t want to bore people.

She once told me my daughter was so spoilt 8yr old that she could grow up to be a drug addict and die just like her friends son

A mean who says stuff like that to their dd.

A narcissist says stuff like that in fact they say the vilest of stuff. I know as was married Into one ex mother in law and ex who was like her. They say stuff that cuts deep and hurts , it’s what they do. They destroy families, only advice is low contact and I mean low if you have to Or none at all. The psychologically dangerous

Original poster

teawomen · 13/04/2021 14:52

As a mother myself I just can’t comprehend her actions or behaviour anymore. I messaged her to say she had upset me and it was polite at the end I added please don’t reply.

Of course she replied.

Who do I think I’m talking to! And a few messages I’ve ignored won’t give her time of day.

OP posts:

Mary46 · 13/04/2021 18:51

God she sounds awful. Sorry to hear about your dad. I think just keep contact very minimal. Doesnt sound like she adds anything positive to the family.

Original poster

teawomen · 03/05/2021 20:05

So update. I sent a polite message regarding my feeling to my so called mother. I mean couldn’t have been nicer, and I was replied some not very nice words about my dad. I never expected ‘I’m sorry’ a normal response but her lack of empathy and the fact she’s my mother Jesus. So instead I didn’t reply to her hideous messages you know acted dare I say it ‘mature’. I feel proud that I didn’t give her the argument she wanted.

Anyway After she spoke with my sister a few days a later, I got a txt apologize which was pathetic. Then as I havnt replied she has subsequently blocked me on all social media. This will be because she will think she has one over on me.

I feel an instant weight has been lifted.

I do believe this is probably the end to our relationship but after all it wasn’t me who ended it.

Thank you for your words.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 03/05/2021 20:08

Yes. I'm sorry I don't have direct experience but from my knowledge of people in your situation it is for the best.
She sounds really draining spiteful and hard work, they don't change.
There is a really good support thread stately homes.

Original poster

teawomen · 03/05/2021 20:12

Thank I will take a look.

I’ve been taking advice from a post above about self compassion and it’s rather helpful. As a mother myself I finding it difficult to accept that she can treat me like this but also know I feel better now we have NC x

OP posts:

AnxiousWeirdo · 03/05/2021 20:15

My mum's a complete narcissist but not as nasty as yours generally. She cut me out of her life 18 months ago, it really did me a favour because now I can see her for who she really is. An abusive, bullying brat.

Hopefully you'll get a way out like I did.

Original poster

teawomen · 03/05/2021 20:19

How did you feel at first compared to how you feel now?

OP posts:

Mary46 · 03/05/2021 20:20

Awful op you dont need that stress in your life. Families are unreal. My mother is hard work

Mary46 · 03/05/2021 20:21

Can sulk for days if she doesnt get her way. They love control I think..

Original poster

teawomen · 03/05/2021 20:25

I think I’m really angry because yet again it’s become about her. My little family is grieving. Big loss to our life, but yet again she’s managed to have it be all about her. Well I’m done with it.

People say but ah she’s you mum. It’s laughable.

OP posts:

MzHz · 03/05/2021 20:38

100% you’re making the right decision to leave her to it.

You’ll recover from this more quickly than you imagine

Have you seen the Stately Homes threads on Relationships? That’s a really helpful place for you

MzHz · 03/05/2021 20:39

People say but ah she’s you mum.

“People” know fuck all about it. “People” are welcome to swap their mothers for yours...

MzHz · 03/05/2021 20:40

@Mary46

Can sulk for days if she doesnt get her way. They love control I think..

LET them sulk.

At least you get a bit of peace and quiet :)

Original poster

teawomen · 03/05/2021 20:42

I didn’t know about that Thread until just now going to have a read

OP posts:

AnxiousWeirdo · 03/05/2021 20:50

How did you feel at first compared to how you feel now?

I swung between upset and angry but mostly I was relieved. I still get upset an angry about it sometimes, I think part of me probably always will be a bit sad about it but the over riding emotion is freedom. My confidence is SO much better now, I've taken active steps to improve my life and it's made me realise that all she did was cause stress and upset and it all made me so anxious.

I feel like my own person now and a better one at that. I'm closer to my extended family now because for most of my life I've been told that they don't care or look down on me, turns out that they don't and when she left me the shit they were there 100%. Other people have finally seen her for what she is aswell (she's a covert narcissist), there's a relief in that also.

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