To think if you give to one grandchild you give to the other...

[Meltinthemiddle]

My df is alot closer to my elder ds 16. Ds1 is also at an age where he can visit him freely whereas ds 2 who is a few years younger is not so much at that independent going out stage. However he does visit his gd when we take him and they have a good relationship still. Just before Christmas ds1 was visiting his gd more often and then being dropped home by him. Each time he was being given money like £10 or £20. When we questioned why dp had gave it to him, ds would just say his gd gave it to him because he wanted some shoes etc or to buy something. However dh and myself where a little uneasy when it kept happening when it wasn't a special occasion and ds2 who's 3 years younger wasn't being included and we also felt ds1 was taking advantage knowing he would get money each time he goes.

Recently we have had big issues with ds1 behaviour. He's been verbally abusive, has no motivation to do his school work, to help out at home and he's been smoking/vaping. Too much other stuff to write on here but obviously we are concerned about drugs. However with df ds1 is an angel and butter wouldn't melt. However the other day I caught ds1 in my purse but I had no money in it 😔. So today when he brought a top I was suspicious how he could afford it but he said he had money left over from easter. I was pretty sure he hadn't as why was he looking in my purse if he had money already. He's also been spending it on fags/vapes and god knows what hence why I didnt want money just given to him unless it was a special occasion or he's at least earnt it. So I messaged my dad and he said yes he gave it to him and he hadn't asked for it but he wanted to do it. He then went on a rage about dh and why dh keeps interrogating the boy about the money. Are we unreasonable to think he should give to both ds equally? I politely asked him last time not to give ds money as we are concerned about what he was spending it on due to being in with a bad crowd. We were also worried they were using ds for his money so wanted the money to run out iykwim. I didn't mention the treating sons the same and wish I had but I feel like I can't tell him what to do with his money or can I? Then today I wondered has he given the money to both sons but ds1 has lied a out it. I feel like it's going to end in a row and at 76 I don't want to fall out with my dad but I'm fuming.

I think you need a good chat with your dad and explain everything going on with DS1. Clearly there are some issues him providing him with money is adding fuel to the fire.

I do agree he's treating them both differently but I think you need to address the issue with DS1 first - unless your dad knows more about the situation with DS1 than he's letting on and maybe he thinks he's helping?

With DS2 maybe because he's not as independent your dad thinks he doesn't need the money possibly and when he's older he may make up for it?

Hope this situation resolved itself for you ASAP 💐

I don’t think they need to be given the same money. A 16year old has far more uses for £20 than a 12/13 yr old.

But, you do need to explain what DS1 is doing, and why you are worried. He surely won’t want to be rewarding or funding that.

Could he be giving him money so he keeps visiting?

You need to get straight in your head whether you want more money from him for your younger son, or a stop to so much cash going to the problematic older one. Hint: the latter.

I always have a very different view of stuff like this than most people, probably because I come from a very large family so if a parent/grandparent wanted to treat one of us it would just be one of us. If they always had to treat all the siblings (let alone cousins) when they treated one it would have made it unaffordable.
My grandparents sold one of my brother's their house at below market rate to get him on the housing ladder. He was really close with them and used to drive them to appointments, go round for tea regularly and help out around the house so they wanted to help him out. Might have been "unfair" to the rest of us but it was entirely up to them and my brother had a great relationship with them.
If your son is spending the money he's given on stuff you don't approve of I'm not sure that's your dad's fault and he can do whatever he likes with his money.

Thank you for the replies. I have told my dad about the smoking and vaping and suspicions of missing money but not the full extent especially not the fact I caught ds1 looking for money in my purse. He probably wouldnt believe it tbh. I know ds1 adores his dp more then us but then df spoils him and only sees the good never the bad side. He's also someone ds1 listens to and repects. I do understand why dh was questioning it though Ds 2 never gets given money on his own and we sometimes take him down there to spend alone time with his gd. However I don't like the argument over family and money so I feel uneasy telling df this is why dh has been questioning it.

What the money is being used for is your main issue. I agree that you need to try and get your dad on side. Can you get him to understand that this money may actually be harming his grandson. I agree completely that this is not a good age to keep on just handing him money. He needs to start earning it, or at least showing by behaviour and school work that he deserves it.
I also think that’s it’s wrong that one grandchild is so obviously favoured over the other. If one gets gifts they both should, it’s not about whether they’ve got stuff to spend it on! That’s irrelevant.

You need to have a stern word with your DF. DS1 has already moved onto trying to steal from you. Not only is he being unfair with regards to your DS2 he’s potentially funding god knows what behaviour for DS1 without your knowledge and yes DS2 is going to know and be hurt. How would DF feel if it led him into harder drugs etc.

Personally I wouldn't like him given them money all the time anyway even if it was both sons. They need to learn not every thing is given to them. If ds1 was doing jobs around the house etc and earnt it that would at least be something. As it is Im worried about what he's spending it on, also where its coming from due to the stealing. Df was got defensive in his text about dh always questioning ds1 which is why I feel uneasy because I feel I need to defend my dh. When ds1 came home with 2 £10 notes he wondered if it was both for ds1 or ds2 also and why it was given just to him. And now ds1 has been shifty with money it makes me wonder did he lie or was df favouring one of them.

I would sit down with your father and tell him straight. Your concerned his in with a bad crowd, you know his smoking, vaping and that he may be taking some form of drugs. You caught him trying to steal from you so you would appreciate he does not give him money for the time being. Anything he does give you should be notified of so you can ask for proof what it's spent on. You can't force him too but hopefully he realises why your asking and sees sense.