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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I can foster when I work full-time

51 replies

postitgirl · 12/04/2021 19:21

I've gone anon for this, but with my kids getting older and less needy of my time I've been looking for something to 'do', like volunteering, or something, and I came across fostering. Am I mad to think I could do it. I work full-time, but am wfh atm, and when we 'go back' they are saying we will be allowed to wfh 2-3 days a week, which would help with time spent commuting. I suppose I'm looking for anyone who is experienced. I was thinking of a primary school age child. My youngest is 13. I was all for it, but am thinking of all the negatives now - like how will my own kids feel, they are 17 and 13. They dont need me so much any more, time-wise, obviously they 'need' me of course. I just feel like I have a lot of spare time and I miss little children so much, I just love them. I don't have rose-coloured specs on, I've done a load of research, and tbh am feeling quite scared about it all. Maybe I'm stupid to think I could even do it. Grateful for anyone who is a foster parent - if you wanted to , you could pm me. I've started the application process.

OP posts:

Findahouse21 · 12/04/2021 19:24

I think that would be reallly tricky. Often the children will have attachment issues so not able to use wraparound care. They won't necessarily go to your nearest school either. They are likely to have regular contact sessions with family which you will need to transport them to, and lots of meetings.

I don't want to put you off but I think maybe it's the wrong age bracket. Have you considered maybe a more supported lodgings arrangement where you're supporting an older teenager towards independent living

ghostyslovesheets · 12/04/2021 19:24

there are a LOT of meetings for looked after children that you would be expected to attend - plus they may need you around to help them settle in - also their school may not be on your doorstep so a heafty commute can be involved.

ghostyslovesheets · 12/04/2021 19:27

I would also say teenagers might need you more than a baby - what if they are NEET or have repeated missing episodes (awake till 4am getting your house searched)

It's a wonderful thing to consider doing but it's a lot of time and effort - I'd say part time work would be easier.

There are FC's who work full time but they need to be flexible

RachelRavenRoth · 12/04/2021 19:28

This. The agencies I’ve looked into expect one parent to not work. My friend has four adopted children and cannot work due to their needs and the amount of appointments they all have for various different things as a result of their early childhoods. She had to set up her own business from home, which is totally flexible.

StevieG55 · 12/04/2021 19:29

My friend went for fostering and it worked out that she wld be paid about £30K a year. Basically that wld be her full time job.

GalleryGirl · 12/04/2021 19:30

Consider that it's highly likely a Foster child will have multiple issues that will be disruptive to your bio children.
It's not uncommon for them to be violent, uncooperative, destructive etc. All very understable when you consider what they're going through.

As a 13 year old, I'm sure this would be very difficult to live with.

Pupster21 · 12/04/2021 19:31

Not a foster parent but I work with them. You’d likely foster a primary school aged child given the ages of your children. You’d have to facilitate contact with parents at the best time for the parents (likely to be a couple of times a week after school), you’ll have to attend meetings during the working day and also take the child to any medical appointments during the working day. How would you facilitate school holidays? Depending on the child it is unlikely you’ll be able to use holiday clubs straight away as they’ll need to settle and may have problems with attachment.

CoddledAsAMommet · 12/04/2021 19:31

But fostering IS a job. You can't do two full-time jobs at once.

Fostering is not parenting. The two are very, very different.

Becles · 12/04/2021 19:34

My friend is a long term foster carer to a teenager and works 35 hours a week. Worth speaking with the relevant agency to see how things are before getting disheartened.

Original poster

postitgirl · 12/04/2021 19:35

thanks for the reality check everyone. do they ever need people to look after children just at weekends or holidays. then again is that fair to my own children. but then again I hardly see my own kids any more!!! they are always in their rooms or with friends etc. I feel like I have a load of spare time and I wanted to do something useful, meaningful. I hvae loads of hobbies already. I mean I'm 50 but feel like life is still long iukwim

OP posts:

LlamaGiles · 12/04/2021 19:38

Yes, respite fostering is a "thing" and might work for you - say one weekend a month would be typical.

Does your local authority have a Supported Lodgings Scheme? That's usually a good option for people who are interested in fostering but work full time but not everywhere has them.

titchy · 12/04/2021 19:39

Scout/guide leader?

Blueshoess · 12/04/2021 19:40

You could provide respite fostering for weekends/holidays. I work with foster carers and looked after children, they often look forward to going to their respite holiday as it’s less rules and more fun! I work with a foster carer who has been providing holiday care for the same child for years and it really works well for them both :)
Good luck x

livsmommy · 12/04/2021 19:41

My sister is a single foster parent, she’s always worked full time, she did have a lot of family support though which helped. Her foster daughter has been with her for 5 years now, and will stay until she’s 18. Before she moved in with her she did do respite foster care, for the odd weekend. It’s doable, but there are a lot of meetings, courses, contact to arrange etc.

GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 12/04/2021 19:41

@CoddledAsAMommet

But fostering IS a job. You can't do two full-time jobs at once.

Fostering is not parenting. The two are very, very different.

This.

LAC reviews
PEP reviews
Possibly CAMHS
SSW visits
Supervisions
LASW visits
Contact appointments
Paperwork....lots
Training, lots to stay up to date
School issues
Sickness
Challenging behaviour
Dealing with trauma responses
PtSD
Self care because fostering isn't something you just fit in around a full time job....it a vocation, some are brilliant at it

Pupster21 · 12/04/2021 19:41

Is there a local youth centre that needs mentors? That can take up an evening or half a day at a weekend? Often it’s for vulnerable children over 12-18 months.

Lovemusic33 · 12/04/2021 19:45

@postitgirl

You could be a respite carer or short term foster carer? I have known people do this that take in emergency foster children whilst a permanent placement is found or offer respite to someone who is in hospital and has no family support, or respite for a child with SN’s?

I am considering fostering in the future, my dc’s are 15 and 17 both with autism, I wouldn’t foster whilst they are both still living at home but would one day love to foster children with sn’s or teenagers.

Sendsystemsucks · 12/04/2021 19:49

What about doing respite work? Lots of children with disabilities and it's in demand. Best of both?

JumpLeadsForTwo · 12/04/2021 19:53

@StevieG55

My friend went for fostering and it worked out that she wld be paid about £30K a year. Basically that wld be her full time job.

You don't get "paid" as such - you get a fostering allowance which covers the cost of caring for the child - it isn't a salary that is yours to substitute from a paid job.

Allington · 12/04/2021 19:53

Contact your LA and local foster agencies and ask. Respite foster care is possible, even if full time foster care isn't. That might be best for your family initially anyway.

Good for you for considering this.

McCanne · 12/04/2021 19:54

I agree with pp - fostering is a job in itself. My mum fosters and time revolves around meetings and contact, but she fosters babies so it might be different with older children. She started off doing respite however and one of the little boys she had fairly regularly for a weekend at a time so that might be an option for you.

The only other thing I'd say is that the process to be approved for fostering is very long, intensive and invasive, so be prepared for that.

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2021 19:56

I'd look into it seriously op. Theres loads of steps but you can make a starting enquiry

toocold54 · 12/04/2021 19:59

I was told I couldn’t foster and work full time which I was disappointed with as I really want to be a foster carer but I also love my job.

Mxflamingnoravera · 12/04/2021 20:00

I was a full time foster carer and also a respite foster carer (it's not called respite where I live any longer, the children found it insulting, it's now "short breaks for fostered children").

If you are planning on fostering as a single parent there is IMO no way you could do it and work- there are so many meetings to attend and things change rapidly because, as others say, it's not parenting, it's parenting plus plus plus. It is nothing like looking after your own children although the skills you learned with your own are invaluable.

I switched to "respite" after realising that as a single carer I could not manage to give a child what they need. There was no time off, no other parent to tag team with through a (3 hour) meltdown where my windows were smashed and the contents of a bedroom hurled down the stairs because it was lights out time (or there was no ketchup or her meds had worn off). It became harder during holidays and weekends and despite a daily check in plan with social workers and a weekly group meeting with other carers it was still more than I could do. But I still wanted to contribute and my skills were valued by social workers.

Respite was lovely, a long weekend once a month with the same child for a year at a time. I still faced running away, being kicked and my things being wrecked, but it was finite- I knew there was an end and I could muster the patience and calm to keep going. I only stopped because I returned to work full time (I still believe that even for respite- full time work could be too much) and my mum was diagnosed with dementia so I have to manage her affairs too.

It's all stuff you'd talk about as part of the assessment process, but dont kid yourself, fostered children have attachment issues and they need a different kind of care to your own children.

If you are in a strong (very strong) relationship and have a solid support network of friends and relatives who understand that fostered children often behave differently, and one or both of you are willing to give up work and share the load then go for it. But go into it with your eyes open. It's wonderfully rewarding and incredibly hard work, harder work than a full time job. Yes you get paid for it, but not much and the job is 24/7 365.

Feel free to pm if you want to.

Devlesko · 12/04/2021 20:02

Mine needed me more as teens their needs just change.
Always in their rooms isn't good, get them down for family time.
I'd look at making sure the existing children's needs are being met, they probably don't know what their needs are, that's for you to work out.
If you work full time and they are in their rooms or with friends, when is family time?

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