Go to the wedding or cause a family ruckus?!

[DilemmaSummer]

I am clinically extremely vulnerable due to a rare immune deficiency disease and chronic lung disease. I’m fully vaccinated but had a poor response to it, although I’m aware there are unknowns so it may be I do actually have more protection than they think.

I’m not one of those people who’ve not left their house or sanitised shopping. I’ve had a pragmatic approach to Covid and managed to get out and see people, while being sensible. My cousin (who is also a close friend) is getting married in August. They’re planning the full shebang (assuming the road map goes ahead). It’s 200 people; ceremony, reception, dinner and dancing. It’s obviously a long day and evening. Normally, I’d be excited and totally up for a party. I don’t feel comfortable with this. Some members of my family say that rates are low and likely to stay low, which is true. Most people will be vaccinated with at least 1, if not 2 vaccines, also true. They think I’m being over cautious and apparently it’s caused a problem. I don’t want to cause a rift. I’m not generally an anxious person. I’m not hugely anxious about Covid in most situations. This feels very full on. I’ve also not been exposed to many germs and bugs, so even in general, my doctor advised me I’ll be more vulnerable than I am usually. I didn’t explicitly ask about the wedding but I might do.

AIBU to say no? Should I suck it up and accept the risk to ensure harmonious family relations?

Speak to your cousin / friend.

Let her know how you are feeling. Let he know your worries and concerns. Hopefully she'll understand.

I would hate for a friend of mine to feel pushed into something they aren't comfortable with.

I'm wondering whether there will be mandatory/recommended flow tests before events like weddings. It would certainly put my mind at rest somewhat this summer.

Personally I would go as that sounds fun and you've had the vaccination. But if you’re worried about it due to your health issues and won’t have a good time then decline. But do so graciously, apologetically and in good time.

If they’re pricks about it then they’re not such good friends as you think. I also think there will be many people declining as they’re not happy to risk it so it can’t come as a surprise to them.

Could you just go the ceremony?

Talk to your doctor about this.

I understand how going from being fairly cautious and seeing people only in small doses, to a huge wedding, would cause you to worry. And none of us can tell you, because we do not know your medical situation, whether you are being overly cautious or just right.

I will say that I doubt you will be the only one still unwilling to mix in large crowds this summer. It will still be too soon for some. For some people, reintroduction to 'things as before' will take a little more time. Do not let your family make you feel bad about that.

You will be partying again. Maybe not in August with 200 people, but you will be!

What do you mean 'fully vaccinated but had a poor response to it'?

I agree with just going to the ceremony. Who has it caused a problem with? If it's the cousin then I wouldn't go at all, if it's other people then I would ignore them and they can go fuck themselves as it's between you and your cousin.

A ruckus because you don’t want to put yourself at risk would be blindingly selfish on the part of the people giving you grief. You’re not obliged to attend anything you don’t feel comfortable doing so. I’d go to the ceremony if you want to and decline the rest. That’s what makes it a wedding, the rest is a big party.

Don’t get bullied.

@tinathetalkingturtle

What do you mean 'fully vaccinated but had a poor response to it'?

@tinathetalkingturtle

I was part of some research at my hospital that tested antibody responses to Covid vaccines in immune compromised patients. I did not make any antibodies.

It’s not my cousin, she said she’d be very sad but understands. Apparently my aunt is furious with me.

I’ve not said I won’t go yet, I would love to! I said I’m nervous and need to decide. Once invitations are sent out, I’ll definitely have made my choice as they’ll need to finalise numbers.

In my heart, I think I do want to go even with the risk.

I would suggest considering going to the ceremony and sit down dinner but leaving after the speeches - the formal parts of the wedding are naturally more distanced

I would say that you should do what you are comfortable with, it's your health no one else but you will suffer if you become ill.

Out of interest, how do you know you had a poor response to the vaccine? That is not something normally or easily tested for?

I think you are being wise.
I'm not clinically vulnerable, and I wouldn't be confirming any acceptance to a wedding like that in August, at the moment.
I would just start with the assumption that my clinically vulnerable relative wouldn't even be thinking about it.

If it were practical, I would possibly go to the service, but decide nearer the time (which would be fine as no catering involved)

I think I'd be saying that your Doctors have advised they can't guide you yet as to whether they think it safe, but (assuming you do want to) you'd love to come, and will be there - as long as they greenlight it.

In terms of the way things can change as to Covid risk, August is a lifetime away. There's simply no way to predict what the position is going to be. We might be mostly back to normal, with v high vaccination levels and v low transmission, or we might be in the middle of more restrictions because of a variant. No-one has a crystal ball.

And, until you know the actual scenario at the time, you simply can't make an informed decision.

Your cousin sounds like she understands, and that's who matters. Your Aunt can bog off if she doesn't get that, ultimately, no-one should risk their life for a party.

There’s not a chance I’d be going to a wedding that large this year. The virus hasn’t gone away and I don’t want to be back in another wave after all the mixing.

@Meme69

I would say that you should do what you are comfortable with, it's your health no one else but you will suffer if you become ill.

Out of interest, how do you know you had a poor response to the vaccine? That is not something normally or easily tested for?

I had an antibody test 3 weeks post vaccine no2. That said, I am aware the immune system works in other ways to protect you (t cells, I think?), so I’m hoping I have more protection that they found initially. My immunologist tested my covid vaccine antibody response as part of research they’re doing. I remain hopeful I have some level of protection, even if it’s not the same as an otherwise healthy person.

I would be quite angry with any relative that insisted you put your health at risk just to attend a wedding. If you feel at risk then what others think is irrelevant.