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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find my friendship suddenly utterly unsatisfying

25 replies

Urbanhymngirl · 12/04/2021 13:58

Long term friend of over 20 years - we travelled together, lived together etc. She met her fiancé about 3 years ago and has gone from someone I could talk to for hours at a time about anything to someone who just talks about shiny, superficial nonsense and I am finding it hard to keep the friendship going. It’s like a personality transplant and apparently it’s because her partner wants everything in their life to be private - so there’s nothing much to talk about because it’s all off limits.

It’s really hard to describe but there’s no depth to anything anymore- everything is shiny and she’ll talk about new windows etc but nothing else. It’s all ‘nice’ and that’s it. It’s like she’s had a personality transplant. I do think he’s a bit controlling but I can’t ask because everything is ‘nice’.

I am at the point now of stepping back because it’s all so unsatisfying talking to her - Aibu to feel weird about it? It’s like my friend has vanished to be replaced with someone I don’t recognise!!

OP posts:

Lumene · 12/04/2021 14:01

This would set off massive alarm bells for me about their relationship:

apparently it’s because her partner wants everything in their life to be private - so there’s nothing much to talk about because it’s all off limits.

Original poster

Urbanhymngirl · 12/04/2021 14:03

@Lumene I know- and I have tried broaching it but it’s off limits. They are just about to have a baby too and she doesn’t want to talk about that either- it’s really weird

OP posts:

littlepattilou · 12/04/2021 14:05

You ever heard of the saying, 'we have friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for a lifetime...?'

Some friendships are great, for a while, but it often doesn't last. Sometimes they last a few months, sometimes 6 or 7 years, sometimes 15-20 years, sometimes 50 years....... friends come and go, and sometimes even a 20 year old friendship can start to fail.

This one is past it sell-by date. I would start giving this friend a wide berth @Urbanhymngirl

littlepattilou · 12/04/2021 14:08

Many relationships fail, and many marriages fail and go sour (and some end up in divorce.) People change, and grow apart, and want and need different things in life. Yet people seem confused and baffled, and even upset, when a friendship fails. It's just as likely to fail as a relationship with a life partner/spouse, as we all grow and evolve and change, and want different things.

VettiyaIruken · 12/04/2021 14:09

There's so much you could talk about. Current affairs, politics, religion, history, ethics, I mean the list is endless.

I'd be worried about the partner though. Fair enough if he doesn't want her talking about his penis, their sex life, his savings etc but concerning if he objects to what they had for dinner and where they're going at the weekend.

If you used to talk for hours about anything then how is that now not an option? Or when you say anything do you mean anything that was about her?

Figgygal · 12/04/2021 14:10

That does sound weird!
What a shame can you have another chat with her to try and reinforce your concerns about your relationship

VettiyaIruken · 12/04/2021 14:12

Posted too soon.
If you talk for example about politics and her reply is 'nice' or what's going to happen when covid restrictions are lifted and all she has to say is nice and she's trying for a baby and doesn't want to talk about it I'd be so very worried because that's just not normal and I'd be afraid that her relationship was affecting her mh

Merryoldgoat · 12/04/2021 14:13

It sounds like ages being controlled but you can’t stop that. The friendship sounds like it’s run its course.

I’d probably drop a message to her and explain that you’re here for her when she’s ready but until then you need more from a friendship and it feels like you want different things.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 14:13

Sounds like she's let her partner control her and there isn't much of anything you can do about it. Probably just let it drift but keep in touch from time to time in case things to awry.

Palavah · 12/04/2021 14:14

@Lumene

This would set off massive alarm bells for me about their relationship:

apparently it’s because her partner wants everything in their life to be private - so there’s nothing much to talk about because it’s all off limits.

This in spades. If you are a real friend you'll continue contact with her because she may need your support to escape.

pumpkinpie01 · 12/04/2021 14:14

How strange that she doesn't even want to talk about her pregnancy! Sounds like her DH is very controlling but there isn't a lot you can do about that unfortunately

Incywincyspinsters · 12/04/2021 14:16

I’d be worried about her.

stoopider · 12/04/2021 14:18

You don’t have to talk about her personal life though? Long term friends are as rare as hens teeth so I’d stick with it through this baby phase. She’ll come out the other side. Why don’t you do stuff together so you can talk about that. Eg monthly book club on zoom together. Yoga. Kayaking. Flower arranging. Monthly cookery session. Find something. Me and a friend watch Netflix movies remotely together. We don’t talk about our private lives. We just have a laugh. There is no real drama here

gamerchick · 12/04/2021 14:21

Just tell her you'll be there for her when she's ready and then pull back contact. There is a shit load of things you could talk about that isn't personal life though. I'm not big on sharing shit either. I like to just have a laugh with my friends.

Original poster

Urbanhymngirl · 12/04/2021 14:22

It’s all quite upsetting though in many ways- it’s never really happened to me before. I don’t want to walk away from our friendship as we’ve been through so much but I find myself not wanting to call her or speak to her more and more as it’s leaves me feeling so weird after. I get why people retreat in pregnancy obviously as you want to protect your unborn child etc. I was probably weird in my pregnancies .

It’s hard to explain but it’s just like everything is not superficial - there’s no depth to our conversations! I try to talk about books she would be interested in too and nothing.

OP posts:

stoopider · 12/04/2021 14:26

I wouldn’t panic jump. To be honest I’ve got quite a few long term female friendships like this. One grew up in a strict boarding school environment so everything is superficial like history, geography, current affairs. She’s super interesting. Why don’t you suggest a virtual pub quiz together? I think the two of you just need to take the pressure off and have some fun

Original poster

Urbanhymngirl · 12/04/2021 14:27

@stoopider yes I do try to talk about other things- but it just ends up with me talking about what I eat or read or have watched like a loon!

Maybe I am trying too hard and just need to let go - it’s like I am carrying on thinking it’s a certain way (as it has been for over 20 years) and it’s now. She used to ring me 3 times a week when my kids were little & she was single which wasn’t always easy as I was tied up with nappies etc but I really tried to keep it going.

OP posts:

Tal45 · 12/04/2021 14:31

I wonder if secretly she's really unhappy and pretending everything is nice is a front because if she gets any deeper it's all going to come out and she's going to fall apart. I would be very worried about her. I wouldn't cut her off altogether but perhaps take a step back. You can't force her to see sense unfortunately, got to wait for it hopefully to happen when she's ready. And then she will need your support.

BRB2021 · 12/04/2021 14:32

She will need you once the baby comes along I imagine, and he gets weirder. Just mirror her for a while until she lets you back in.
Some people are worth just trying extra for and I think she will need you in the future

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 12/04/2021 14:37

I think it depends what you want from a friendship. I wouldn't want to do zoom quizzes or talk about politics all the time, without any mention of major big things like she's having a baby or anything about her homelife. My friendships do involve us talking about that personal stuff and so for me, it wouldn't be worth trying to bend myself out of shape and I'd find it artificial and weird (less so if in a bigger group where we all shared stuff like going to the cinema or whatever).

LDom · 12/04/2021 14:42

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userxx · 12/04/2021 14:49

Sound worrying. Why does he want to keep things private? That would really trouble me, sounds like he's isolating her.

HedgleyTheHedgehog · 12/04/2021 14:52

I have a friend that I've known for roughly twenty years and they never want to offer up any information about themselves, their partner, their job, what they've been doing since I last saw them etc

They've always been secretive but the past few years it's becoming more so and I'm getting fed up of it. They ask me those questions and expect answers but if I ask they don't want to talk about it

I'm actually at the stage now where I'm putting off meeting up with them. I find it really frustrating. Years ago we were out and somebody from work bumped into them and mentioned it so I know I'm not the only one that has picked up on it

Original poster

Urbanhymngirl · 12/04/2021 14:56

@OnwardsAndSideways1 it’s exactly that. I have gone from a friendship where we talked about everything to one where there’s very little to say!

OP posts:

bananaboats · 12/04/2021 14:57

Some people do change when they get a new partner and tbh this friendship sounds like it would be a bit too hard work for me, I'd just take a bit step back and concentrate on other friendships where your more in the same wavelength

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