3rd baby please help

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I have 2dc, they are 10 and 5. I had tough pregnancies, hyperemesis and spd then post natal depression for years until they got older.
We are in a 2 bedroom house, looking to move soon. We are not financially secure.
This is an unplanned pregnancy. I found out I'm 10 weeks already. So far not much sickness at all thank God and I am eating clean and exercising everyday.
I am freaking out so badly. We are already squished in this house and struggle for money.
BUT
My dc are happy and get to have holidays and many experiences and are generally such sweet children.
My dp is over the moon with the news but he would be wouldn't he, he didn't go through what I went through and he doesn't tend to worry about anything.
What do I do? How will I get through this?
The pnd may kill me this time. I feel like its only been a couple of years since I got out of that black hole and I don't want to go back.
I dont know if I could terminate. I'm 37 and I've been feeling broody for the last 3 years but I fought it because I knew it wouldn't be for the best.i feel like I would regret it if I did that.

What a tough situation OP. I have two DC like you and had PND after both. I also had hyperemesis in my second pregnancy, I can’t imagine ever going through that again. I was still vomiting 10+ times a day in my ninth month.

Personally, I could not go through with another pregnancy. I think the cost to my existing children of me potentially being ill for nine months and then the PND afterwards would be too high. DH and I use two methods of contraception but if we did still manage to conceive I think I would abort. I wouldn’t like to have to make that decision at all but I think it would be the best one for my family.

We always use condoms. I have thought about an abortion but I not sure I could live with the regret.
But that's exactly how is feel, I'm not sure going through PND again is something I want my dc to witness. I was a rubbish mum during that time. So irritable and disengaged. I have such guilt over still to this day.

Hey I feel for you. I had bad sickness with my first pregnancy and hyperemesis with my 2nd plus loads of other complications which meant he was unwell. I had a surprise pregnancy 2 years ago. I only found out at 8 weeks as I had no symptoms etc and omg I near cried with the positive test. My DH was fine but he hadn't had the 18 months of hell (emm pregnancy I mean) to colour his view. Honestly I didn't even consider a termination but was terrified. I didn't have a great pregnancy but surprisingly my sickness was so nowhere near as bad with that pregnancy but I did have other complications linked to my previous pregnancy. I now have a gorgeous toddler who was worth every moment. My older kids (age 9 and 4) adore him as do we. I was 38 when he was born. I won't be having anymore and got a coil put in asap but wouldn't change my little munchkin for anything in the world.

There are options, Please talk to your doctor as soon as possible.

I don't have any wise words but want you to know that you're never alone. 💐

What a surprise for you, OP.

If you decide to keep the pregnancy, ask your midwife to refer you to the perinatal team at your booking in appt. get all that support in place from the get go.

It sounds like you’re gonna live with regret either way. The question I’d be asking is what’s right for your existing DC. And it’s pretty clear that it would be not having another sibling.

If you want another baby then that’s your choice and you will have to buckle up and crack on with it. All I can say is that in your shoes I wouldn’t. I’d rather have regret and sadness about the abortion than regret and sadness about a living child that has made my life and the lives of my other children much worse.

Yanbu to feel like this at all. In a similar situation, I spoke with Marie Stopes, they provided unlimited free and very unbiased unjudgmental phone counselling until I was able to make a decision, it was very helpful. Not sure if the pandemic has affected availability or the service, but if you can, it was so helpful for me.

The other thing that did help for me was appreciating that there was no 'right' decision that would be free of regrets or difficulties. For me, I look at our family now and am glad we are the size we are - my then-DH struggled with being a hands on parent due to health issues, for me I ultimately worried not just about how to cope with another pregnancy but then the further split of time and attention and finances, it felt like it wasn't the right thing for the children we already have.

I do think sadly of the pregnancy that never came to be, but no more sadly or guiltily than of the 2 miscarriages I'd had previously. Now one of my DCs has significant additional needs, and it's actually brought me further relief that as a single parent I still have the time and resources to devote to her but also her siblings.

All that said, my friend kept a surprise final pregnancy for religious reasons but was very unhappy, stared antidepressants and even talked privately about adoption, but now feels her family is full and is so close to all three of her DCs. Either way can work out.

YANBU at all. I have had a termination and do not feel guilty about it at all. I have also got a 3rd dc who was entirely unexpected, happened in my 30's and who tbh is my favourite most days

whatever you decide will have guilt and relief attached. but neither will be wrong x

Thank you for everyone's kind words.
I have a lot to think about.
I have already spoken to Dr about meds for sickness because they were useless last time and wouldn't let me have anything at all. My new dr has prescribed me them so that I can use them if I suddenly get worse which is what happened last time.

How r u doing OP?

Firstly you were not a shit mum. You had postnatal depression and I guess you didn't have it diagnosed immediately. Having it before doesn't mean you will get it again.

What support did you have. Did you have any psychological therapy? If so did this help? Did you learn any strategies that you could utilise?

If you weren't worried about PND what would you do?

Can you speak to your GP about a refferal to perinatal team?

Look after yourself. All the best