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For wanting ex to have a plan to move out?

8 replies

Mumoblue · 12/04/2021 09:13

Long story so bear with me, I’ll try and sum it up.
Me and my ex are both 30, and we have a 14 month old son. We broke up in September last year due to an emotional affair he had, after 11 years together. (I did NC and make a thread about it at the time, and can I just say thanks to everyone who gave me a kick up the arse to leave). I went and stayed with my parents 500 miles away for 2 months but came back to 1. Make sure my son could have his first Xmas and Birthday with his dad too and 2. Try couples therapy. We both thought it was unlikely we were going to reconcile but wanted to try for our son and we both agreed that if it didn’t work out that he would leave the house (rented in both our names).
Very quickly I realised that therapy was not going to work, so we just live together as exes with me and DS in the master bedroom and him in the bedroom that is technically our sons.
Ex is doing a college course and initially I said he could stay for another year, though I did feel pressured to give him more time to stay in order not to be “the bad guy”.

Recently I’ve been gently bringing up the idea of him making a plan to leave and I feel like I’m just getting brushed off. I know he feels it’s ‘unfair’ that I get to stay in the house “just because” I’m my sons primary carer. I wouldn’t mind if he had a date to move out that was months in the future as long as he HAD a plan.
He couldn’t afford to stay on his own and even by myself it’s going to be tight.
I hate to feel pushy but I just feel like I’m living in limbo and the longer we put it off the more likely my son is to understand and get upset by his dad moving out.

AIBU to want him to make a plan?
Can I get a handhold or some advice or just scream into the void about how frustrating it is sometimes to live with your ex?
I know the situation is a mess that’s partially of my own making so please be kind. Flowers

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


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LittleOwl153 · 12/04/2021 09:16

When does your rental contract end? Wouldn't it be easier for you to move? He'll have to get organised then if he's not able to pay for current house.


B33Fr33 · 12/04/2021 09:19

It does seem an idea to use the natural end of the agreement to all move on.


Mumoblue · 12/04/2021 09:22

We’re on a rolling contract. I did offer to move at one point but we were quite lucky to get in the house we have now as it’s in a nice area and well placed for our son to see his extended family. Ex said there’s no point in me leaving as we’d both lose this house. He does agree with the plan he’s just not really doing anything about it.

OP posts:

LilMidge01 · 12/04/2021 09:25

Hmm I sympathise with you. You have had to make some difficult decisions to get to this point but unfortunately it's not quite done yet...
I hate to generalise but I find that in these sort of situations, the man often is much less likely to get his shit together, whereas women amaze me with their capacity for strength and determination to be in control.of their own lives. Whilst it sounds like it would be preferable to stay put, would you be able to find somewhere else with your son once the rental term is up...gets the ball moving in a way that you are in control of...and you might even find that it forces your ex to make some moves himself or pull his finger out if he realises he is going to be left paying the rental on a 2 bed by himself, or would need to find somewhere else. Yes he's studying and it was nice if you to offer him stay, but ultimately he needs low rent in order to subsidise his living, and he can get that from you or from other options such as house share, family staying with you he is only stopping you moving on. Mot his fault, but there is nothing quite like feeling empowered by taking active control of the situation yourself. Good luck


pickingdaisies · 12/04/2021 11:34

I think you might need to put in place an end date yourself, and tell your ex that you will be informing the landlord of that date. Then it's up to him to sort himself out an alternative, otherwise, what you've decided, happens. What's your landlord like, can you have an informal chat about the upcoming change of tenancy, before you tell your ex what's happening?


LittleOwl153 · 12/04/2021 13:32

Then I think I would say to Ex that you are going to give the landlord notice on x date - perhaps so that you leave at the beginning of the summer holidays if that makes sense with your son/school/nursery. Because you don't want to share with him anymore and then you can both move on. If he is serious about you staying put as it benefits your son the he will make the effort to move by then. If not you have your answer.

You are going to have to take the lead on this. He currently has it easy so is not going to seek change. Out of interest - how much of the housework are you still doing?


Histrionicz · 12/04/2021 13:43

I agree with serving notice, you finding somewhere else/cheaper with your son and forcing him to do the same. Otherwise he’ll just happily sit in limbo as it’s vastly easier for him. And nicer.


GabriellaMontez · 12/04/2021 14:09

Hes leading you down the garden path. Find somewhere else. What an unsettling situation for you.

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