Hello all,
Well, my friend wants nothing to do with me. The friendship has indeed ended. My own friends tell me that I am better off. But I'm not sure sure and I feel so guilty.
My friend and I have known each other for a little while. We had a very petty disagreement a few years ago and from them on she refused to speak to me. She contacted seven months later as something major has happened in her life and then we rekindled the friendship again. My friend has had quite a difficult year and I have been supporting her as best as I can. However, I have always felt that the friendship was one sided but at the same time I'm sad that our friendship has ended.
My issue with her is that, nearly every day, believe me, after work and when I've finished from uni, she would call me and our conversations will last two hours. It was my fault, I should have said to her "sorry, I have to go", but knowing her she would become upset and tell me to hold on and I will feel obliged to continue to listen to her. Most of the conversations, If not all of them, are all about her, her troubles, her family, her doctors appointments, her friends, her feelings, her thoughts. The minute I interject and mention anything that is going on in life, we would talk about it for 5 minutes, and then she would bring the conversations back to her.
But I thought, she's going through a hard time, I need to be there for her, I need to listen. But let me tell you Mumsnetters, it was draining me, I would finish the conversation and I would just want to go to sleep. It was affecting my mental state, my ability to function day to day. But this is entirely my fault, I should have been firmer and say "I'm really, really sorry, I have to go".
Moving on, during lockdown, because of what she was going through, and trying to support her, we formed a bubble... so I would spend most of my weekends going to visit her, see how she is. She would ask me to come and go for walks, so we would do that. But every time, I saw her, every occasion, we went out, she would talk about herself, what she ate, who she saw, her kids, her feelings, her arguments with people. The minute I will tell her something about myself, she would say "ohno- really?" And go back to talking about herself. But again, I thought she's going through a difficult time.. I need to listen etc.
This was going on for months and months, until my family members were telling me that they cannot get a hold of me, they cannot reach me, I'm becoming distant.Then I thought, you know what, this cannot continue, I need to be honest with her. So I planned to do this in one of our daily conversations but then whisky conversing with my friend, she told me that she decided to let go of one her friendships as that particularly friend was telling her that she doesn't make time for her, that she comes across self-centred, that she should take the time to see how she was doing. I'm not entirely sure what happened. But my friend didn't like what she had to say and decided to end that friendship.. because of that, I thought.. ohno if I tell her how I feel, she would end the friendship with me too and I kept my mouth shut.
One month goes by and I think to myself, this cannot continue. So whenever I was busy, I just wouldn't answer her calls, I would then text her "sorry, I'm in a middle of finishing an assignment, I will call you back". She would proceed to call again and then I'll pick up and say "Let me do x and I will quickly call you back". When she asked me to me during weekends, I will tell her that I could see her on another today or the following weekend as I will be going to see a family member (my sister). But I would text me friend daily to see if she was ok, call her often (but not everyday!) to see if she was well etc.
But, I noticed she was becoming distant, not texting, not calling as much as before, so I thought, ok maybe she realised that it was too much and was respecting my space. But a couple of days ago, she called me to say that I was becoming a bit distant and that I've been making up excuses not to come and see her that often anymore, and she wanted to know why. So I hit my tongue and told her the truth. I told her that, I want to support her as much as I can, but the daily conversations were becoming a bit much, that she would hardly ask how I was, when she did, the conversation would last 5 minutes, and that I wouldn't have time to do X, I also told her that it was getting to a point that I will spend most of the weekends hanging out with her, whereas I need to do XYZ and see how my family members were doing.
When I told her this, she was very very upset. She told me that I have been a fake friend, that why didn't I just tell her. I told her that I was worried that she would end the friendship (like she did last time). She began saying that I was just making excuses, that I have been secretly judging her behind her back, that I'm only interested to talk to her when she has bad news (
), that my advice I've given her over X, have been useless, that she doesn't want to talk to me and doesn't want me involved in her and her kids lives, and that it was me who wanted to go and see her and that she didn't force me to.
That's it. On one hand, I'm glad I told her how I feel. But on the other hand, I feel guilty. I wasn't sure if this was the right to tell her as I know she is going through some personal things. When speaking to my friends, they tell me that I am well rid. But why do I feel so bad? I'm sad the friendship has ended (again) and I don't think we can rekindle after this. What do you Mumsnetters think? Sorry about the long post.