Second baby. Dp. Complicated

[gorillalegs]

Been with dp 5 years. Engaged. Financially secure. I have one ds age 10. Dp has no kids.

Dp had a difficult childhood. Was in and out of care and eventually adopted as his bio parents were shit and not interested, he's always (understandably) had a chip on his shoulder about this and it does affect him emotionally. He isn't particularly close to his adoptive family and never saw his bio parents again after about age 8.

He's never been anything but loving and kind to me and my ds. But when we've discussed having a baby of our own he is very anxious about his ability to bond and if he'd be cut out for being a dad. Personally I think he would be a great dad and I know we'd adapt but of course I respect and am sympathetic to his feelings and insecurities.

Despite that, he recently suggested I come off the pill and we just see what happens. We don't dtd very often anyway. I'm worried in case I did fall pregnant and he would freak out. But I'm mid thirties and he is early forties so if not now, it'll be never.

If it were a clear cut case of him simply not wanting a baby I would respect his wishes and accept we want different things, but he sends a lot of mixed messages and I think deep down he does want his own family, he's just frightened about how he'd feel and cope. Why tell me to come off the pill if he didn't? He is great with my son, they have a wonderful bond.

What do people make of this?

This sounds a lot like my DP, honestly the similarities are uncanny.

I wish I had some advice but I'm in a similar position to you, so will watch your thread closely.

Hope others have some wise words for you!

"tell you to come off the pill - shouldn't that be a joint decision?

Having a crappy childhood is likely to make anyone doubt their ability to parent - one of the reasons I chose not to have children; but there are equally lots of people that had less than ideal childhoods that do go on to have them.
In a way, he's had five years practice with your son. From your post, it would appear that he has thought about it and decided to give it a go - even if he sometimes doubts himself.

In my professional capacity I have seen men do some good work in this area with ormiston families, initially on identity and then family identity and parenting, not sure if they offer it more widely in the community or similar. A good counsellor/therapist could probably work too. It's completely understandable he feels so conflicted but he needs to deal with that before having a baby, or else you're in for a long and difficult journey.

new laptop - more sensitive return key, posted before I meant to!
surely it's better that he feels comfortable and be open about doubts that presenting a false "everything's fine" front on the matter.

When I say told me to come off the pill, I mean I expressed that I'd be happy to do it a while ago but obviously he would have to be happy with it too. And recently he said he would but I just don't want to feel like he's doing it purely to please me or anything like that. The chances of us falling pregnant are quite slim anyway. We wouldn't be actively trying.

My DH was very anxious and frightened because his relationship with his parents is rubbish. He's a good Dad.

I think the key is communication he needs to be open about his fears and acknowledge them. Parenting is about being "good enough" not perfect.

Some counselling now would be good and during pregnancy etc.

I hope you’re still on the pill... Seeing what happens is no way to risk bringing a child into the world that isn’t enthusiastically wanted by both parents. You need to talk, listen, talk and talk some more. You’d be mad to ttc - which is what shagging without contraception is - and hoping he’ll get on board if it happens.

Do you want to be married before ttc? You’re engaged so why wait? Covid restrictions are the perfect excuse for a small wedding.

You’ll have a big age gap if you have a second and you say your own ages mean you don’t have lots of time but you really need to prioritise clear, open communication before you take the plunge.

My ex husband was also very nervous about kids and doubted his ability and went back and forth between thinking it’d be great one day and then putting it all on the back burner the next.
I did come off the pill eventually and about a month later he left me.

It all turned out for the best because I went on to have a couple of great relationships and really grew my career then eventually met the father of my children and am blissfully happy.

My ex never had kids and regrets it, he eventually met someone who couldn’t have children so the decision was made for him I guess. It is clear he regrets not having kids and he let a lot of his own baggage get in the way.

The only advice I would give is only try for a baby if you would be happy to be a lone parent should he freak out and leave. Obvs when I say happy I don’t mean you don’t care if he is there or not - but if there’s any part of you which would not choose this baby if it meant doing it alone then I’d really think hard about it.

I think the main question you need to ask yourself is if you're willing to accept the possibility of being a single parent to two children. Unless a man was 100% enthusiastic it's a question I'd certainly ask myself.

Obvs there's no guarantee that a 100% enthusiastic man will be a great parenting partner. But with a man who is already unsure and apparently not 'in' 100% you really need to answer that question.

It sounds to me like he is keen to have a child with you but doesn't want to be too explicit about expressing it because he is nervous.

My Father had a difficult childhood and is the most dedicated kind Dad I could have wished for. If he is great with your son I think he will really come into his own.

I think all of us when having our own children, question certain aspects of why our parents raised us the way they did. That's normal. If anything he will have heightened compassion for his own child, not wanting them to feel the way he did.

Yes I think he puts added pressure on himself to be a perfect parent because his were so poor. He's quite the perfectionist in other areas too so that makes a lot of sense.

I think the risk of being a single parent is always present but obviously babies add a lot of stress to any relationship and it's not something I would enter into without giving it a lot of thought. Ironically my first ds was conceived by accident (contraception failed) and although he wasn't enthusiastically wanted he is so so loved and I wouldn't be without him.

I think it sounds like he needs help to come to terms with his childhood if he's still so affected after 40yrs. Presumably he's been a good stepdad to your son since you are still there and planning on having a child with him, so he's had some experience of children.

As someone who was brought up in the care system I can completely understand the feelings around it. However, there comes a time when you have to make your own choices as an adult and not let your past ruin your future. He should get help with that first and maybe he will be more confident about who he is and what he can achieve.

OP,
Do you really want to go back to the baby stage on a hunch?

This will be hugely life changing for you.

Have you really thought this through and how it would work?

What happens if you get pregnant and he changes his mind?

I wouldn't be risking my independence with someone with so many issues.

Going back to the baby stage is another big question isn't it. My son is 10 now, getting independent and it would be a big age gap, and it would be tough going back to the sleepless nights after all this time.

I know all of this and believe me I've given it a lot of thought. There are always pros and cons on either side. But somehow I can't shake off this yearning for another baby. It would massively disrupt our lives and would be challenging but I really feel like I would feel regret if we didn't even give it a chance.

By that I mean coming off the pill but not actively trying. In all honestly our sex life is so irregular (I'm talking once or twice a month here) that it would very much be hit or miss. Please don't think that means I'm taking it lightly, I'm really not. But I think if it never happened I could accept it because at least we gave it a little chance. And if it did frankly I would be over the moon and happy to take any risks of potentially becoming a single parent like I have been before. Obviously I wouldn't want that to happen if possible though.

As long as you give the whole starting again some thought.
It's not just the baby stage, it's beginning primary school again and all that involves.
Ten years is such a huge gap.

Once you have really thought how it will primarily affect you, your life.

I don't think you can put this down to the usual nervousness and uncertainty that some people feel. Your dp has had a very damaging and dysfunctional upbringing. Has he had any therapy for that? He might be as amazing with your ds because he knows that he could possibly walk away and he doesn't need to maintain parental bond. I would be extremely wary bringing another child into this, unless you are absolutely certain he would not bring his issues into how he parents his own child.

Have you started planning the wedding? I'd get married first so you know he isn't stringing you along. Then he's said he's OK for you to come off the pill so you have to trust him on that.

Can he contact the adoption people at his local council. They may be able to provide him some support - sign posting counselling or reading etc.

I think his hesitation is pretty sensible and shows he has some self awareness and insight. Childhood neglect and attachment trauma can impact people's capacity to form relationships in adulthood both with partners and children. It sounds like you have a good life now so is it really worth derailing that? A baby could be the thing that splits you up if he can't cope. It might be great but he is telling you loud and clear he doesn't know if he can do it.

My DH had a very bad childhood, with abuse, neglect and eventual fostering. He doesn’t understand what a ‘normal’ family looks like. Because he’d had such a traumatic upbringing and was adamant he wouldn’t want the same for his kids I thought he’d make a great dad. But he isn’t. I underestimated how impactful this would be for me and our kids. He’s got through life by looking after himself (as no one else did) which means he never thinks to put the kids first for example. He has to be told everything and explained why it’s important because it doesn’t come naturally to him because he’s never seen it. I find it exhausting and wish I’d been more realistic.

Personally I’d need a lot more enthusiasm than “go off the pill and see what happens”

If you care about your partner then encourage him to seek some counseling to help untangling his thoughts before anything happens.