Arranging to meet with a friend, WIBU?

[OldEnoughToBeYourMum]

I have a friend (Friend A) who complains that they don't see/hear from me enough. To put it into context, we are in our early thirties, I'm married with a child whilst friend is single with no children. I feel this has been a massive factor in their view on this and them not fully understanding juggling family life but I try and make more of an effort since they've brought this up.

It's always hard to meet up mainly because I plan in advance and can't meet on their days off as I work but I feel it's due to friend's work pattern mixed with lack of compromise and putting better/love life prospects ahead of us seeing one another. Lately it's been a struggle with Friend A because conversation has just been about their tinder dates which end up with Friend A getting extremely down and whilst I try not to give out free advice, friend was struggling with the lack of interest in long term relationships and my advice was maybe it wasn't the best time/place for them or perhaps the people they're seeking are not right for them as people seem to be time wasting and using Friend A. I did this with a 'strong, independent ladies' type pep talk to lift her spirits and friend agreed so I don't think friend was hurt but we now don't really talk about that as I think she suspects I'll give the same advice. Due to covid not much goes on in my life and they don't want to put into a message what's going on in theirs and insist we talk when we meet so it's a quick check in, occasional meme and that's it.

Friend A wanted to do something that was against current restrictions when meeting. I believe friend does need to see a friend for their own wellbeing but DH was not happy about it and doing this wasn't necessary at all so I told friend it wasn't possible. Gave alternative solutions and dates (4 possible dates), they said they will check their schedule and come back but was very short with me. In the meantime I'd been speaking to Friend B who agreed to meet when I was free one of the days and on another I now need to do something with family that I can't change. Friend A came back 2 days later and chose the date where I am seeing friend B and says she is not free on either of the other 2 days I am and is now responding with short sharp messages. I know from previous interactions that within a few weeks friend A is likely to blow up about this but I'm wondering who is being unreasonable here?

Although DH was annoyed with Friend A's suggestion, he said maybe I should rearrange with Friend B who'd already been told I wasn't free on the day I was seeing family. I never have any issues arranging things with them and I said I felt this was unreasonable to Friend B. Friend B would never know as they are not friends with Friend A but didn't see why I'd create issues with a friend I never have any problems with.

Surely it's unreasonable to expect I keep 4 days available free until Friend A lets me know when they are free?

Your post was far too long but as I understand it, this is the crux of it:

Surely it's unreasonable to expect I keep 4 days available free until Friend A lets me know when they are free?

If I've read it correctly Friend A came back within 2 days? So on that basis YABU not to keep the 4 dates free for 2 days.

I didn't get Friend B in all of this but sounds like Friend A's friendship is on the wane. You're just in different places.

If you offered her those 4 days then you should have kept them free

YABU

I don’t really understand the post/problem? But it sounds like you’ve outgrown her. Friendships should be an easy fun thing.

I think 48 hours is a bit quick to arrange something else tbh.

So you said "I can do the following 4 days" and she said she'd get back to you? Then 48 hours later she got back to you, but you'd made plans on one of the days she now wants?

Yes, I think YABU here. 2 days is a reasonable time frame for someone to organise their plans and get back to you. I'd tell friend B you didn't realise you had double booked, and see if she can do one of your other 3 free dates

Too much like hard work. Stick with Friend B.

2 days isn't really long enough fair enough if she'd not got back to you in 2 weeks make alternative plans but at 2 days you've barely given her chance to check her diary or work schedule.

You should have kept the dates free.

But A sounds exhausting.

Tbh if she didn’t already sound like hard work I’d say that her coming back to you two days later and you having already made plans would have been a bit shit of you but in your shoes I’d probably have done the same. In the back of your mind it sounds like you didn’t expect her to actually arrange anything or cancel at the last minute anyway so you have filled your time instead.
I think this friendship is on the way out really. I don’t see lots of my friends because we all have other stuff going on but we don’t get pissy with each other for it we accept that sometimes it’s just hard to coordinate meet ups.

I've read it 4 times & I'm still not 100%
So you offered 4 days you could see her but whilst waiting for her to get back to you, you arranged something with someone else, B? & now A has chosen the same day?. Can you all just do something together?.

YABU.

You offered her four dates then booked something else on two of them before she'd had the chance to get back to you.

You should have told friend B and your family that you were busy, or that you'd get back to them.

One of those days was tomorrow, the rest within a couple days so I started arranging my week since it's half term. Same with Friend B and the reason why the family thing had to be scheduled in within that time.

Friend A has also done similar so I find it hard to know what she sees ok when it comes to arranging stuff within given days.

I possibly would have text friend A again to say ‘Friend B has just text to arrange get together, can I offer her X day?’ It would have meant friend A could have quickly replied ‘yes fine’ or ‘actually that’s the day that works best for me’ you did offer her those days and she was perhaps trying to move things about. I don’t think she is being unreasonable to be a bit put out to be honest.

You're making too much of a big deal of it, seeing as you clearly want to make other arrangements during your week.

You should have suggested one alternative day to Friend A, if that's what you wanted, then made other plans on the other 4 days.

You can't offer 4 days; then expect her to be back sooner than 2 days to let you know.

I think friend A is hard work and being unreasonable, I suppose you could have updated her in your change of availability but also not sure why she needs two days to agree a date to meet either.

I think you were too quick to make plans on the days you already offered. You could have at least sent a quick text.

"In the back of your mind it sounds like you didn’t expect her to actually arrange anything or cancel at the last minute anyway so you have filled your time instead."

I expected she couldn't do any of them and given the short time frame, lack of time off of work and not wanting to leave all 4 days of time off I have during half term unplanned, I arranged stuff.

To put it into context, very recently we were meant to have met up two weeks in a row on the same day, she said she'd get back to me then said she had to keep it free for a tinder date that never did materialise.

I can see how 2 days wasn't very long though and probably not very fair of me either. I've been trying so hard in other respects but I honestly expected some sort of game back. She's not adhered to any covid restrictions and when I explained my reason for refusing first time she questioned the mere thought of anyone adhering to them.

It feels very much like a relationship I had with a former friend who was also single and would get annoyed if they didn't hear from me a couple of times a week or answer straight away. It does feel quite selfish and she has complained about another friend, Friend C, not being available when she wants her to be.

If she didn't respond quickly, I'd have messaged her and said that there were other things I was trying to plan in the Easter holiday (not half term, that's in May) and could she let me the day which suited her, as I needed to fit the other commitments in.

Friend B would not meet with Friend A. Friend B has been very careful during this pandemic and has asked that people tell her if they haven't been safe so she can avoid meeting with them. She would have had a fit if I'd allowed her to meet with Friend A who was so blasé with the restrictions and has lived this whole time like nothing has happened.

I do agree in hindsight and it's worth an apology on my part to Friend A for taking away 2 of the given days. I can see how that would be irritating and not entirely fair.

@OldEnoughToBeYourMum

I, as a working parent, understand how precious school holiday days are.

I have had a friend who did the same to me this holiday, twice in fact. But on these two occasions, I wasn't distraught about the cancellation as other activities I simply rejigged that weren't impacted. And I understand that Easter holidays can be manic, especially this year following lockdowns etc. She also has children though.

Single friends do prioritise other things and do not, cannot, always understand the juggling we play as parents.

You have her 4 dates in the holidays, no time to get back to you by, and she replied quite promptly 2 days later. I do think that based on this the new plans you made are/were yours to rearrange. It's shit for friend B. But really that is down to you.

I think that if you intend to meet in school holidays in the future, that you need to be making these plans further in advance. You weren't unreasonable to not agree to sctivities that were illegal.

Can you not agree to meet in an evening? Be that a walk and fish n chips or pub garden now or in her home?