I think I am SAHMing wrong

[Camrette]

I thought I’d have so much free time. Instead I’m in a endless cycle of chores and the house is still a mess. The actual cleaning (dusting/hoovering etc) part is the same as it always was and I don’t mind that, same with laundry. But there is now so much extra picking up and sweeping up and tidying up and washing up and wiping up that there never was when I was at work.
I was a sahm once before and I swear it wasn’t this much of a grind (admittedly my house was about 1/5 the size and I had fewer children and there were toddler groups and we were allowed to go to people’s houses...). I have quite fond memories of that time but now I just feel like I’m failing at life!

Is this not covid/lockdown/general shit year talking? Are things likely to get better as things open up and we're allowed out and about?

This year SAHMing is definately not the norm for a SAHM. All the home schooling, everyone home all of the time, not able to go anywhere.

It's just totally not compatible to any otger time as a SAHM.

How old are your children?

I think your last paragraph explains exactly why it's not working as well this time round!!

With one baby DC and a small circle of new 'baby mum' friends, I absolutely loved my first maternity leave, best year of my life. Twenty months later, I had a newborn and a toddler, all my new friends were back at work, it was a bloody nightmare and I was off and on Prozac for 2 or 3 years.

It possibly is Covid shitness. I did feel a bit more together when the kids went back to school but they were only there for a few weeks and then it was the holidays again 😂

4 kids, 2 teenagers, one in reception and one toddler.

I mean it’s fine, I do have the physical time to do it all, but it is so boring tidying the same stuff over and over.

I think I just thought my house would be immaculate and I’d sit and watch homes under the hammer

How much do the teenagers do in terms of tidying up after themselves/chores?

Haha you're describing my life right now! I'm hoping things get better in the summer!

It’s also child dependent. Get a high needs baby and you will never even get to the housework.

I think I just thought my house would be immaculate and I’d sit and watch homes under the hammer

😂 You’re confusing parenting with retirement.

Or being a student. Minus the immaculate house obviously.

@Shrivelled

I thought I’d have time to do a masters

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Instead it’s just constant drudgery
I do laugh at those who think that it’s all gyms and lunches out

Not a SAHM but on furlough. Two older teens, a 9yo, two dogs and a cat, and a husband working from home doing hours of overtime.

I have been a sahm before when they were younger and it was never this relentless. I think teens make more mess, certainly more washing. I used to fill my time with toddler groups and meeting friends. This time at home has been firefighting the constant mess and clutter and wifework.

No advice but solidarity, sister.

My word. Hugs, flowers, sympathy, empathy, mutual rants, .... I'm finding it the same and it's utterly shit at the moment. I only have one little girl age two and she has just turned from a sweet, happy, obliging kid into a screaming non sleeping monster. Not coping well at all! And as for the house, which I seem to constantly constantly seem to be tidying and cleaning, is almost at squalid level.
Trying to find some stuff to be grateful for ... Healthy kid, home to live in, food on the table...
Just have to do one day at a time I guess...

Oh god it’s the worst right now. My house used to be clean and I could spend most of the afternoon working away but now DC is secondary there are no breakfast and after school clubs so DC is away from here much less (WFH it was invaluable to have wrap around care so I could use the 6pm finishes a few days a week)

6hrs a day to do it all in a DC just drops whatever where ever and uses every single dish and cup and spoon and then looks at me why I’m angry I’ve just trod on Lego/belt buckle/stubbed my toe on DC shite requiring surgery.

It’s so flipping hard and DC is a scutter right now. Laziness not through lack of knowing/skill.

I’ve taken to dumping DC crap in their rooms but I get crap that I’ve made their rooms a mess but it’s Ok for them to trash the rest of house.

I have had enough. It’s relentless. A grind. A flippantly said to a male friend of love a housekeeper right now and he was ‘wow, you’re home all day’ yes but this is all I do all day. There’s fuck all else I can do because it takes 6hrs to get all the shite and daily chores as well as tending to my own basic needs -bath, feed, exercise - and I’m always behind. I can’t do it all

Forgot to add Dc has mental health needs onto that are very demanding. Draining and I barely get to ‘fix’ my own needs.

My DH says the dust has tripled with us all at home 😂. I am the worst SAHM ever!

Oooh yes. I'm with you.

I have one 5 year old in reception and a 6 month old. My house is a tip and all I seem to do is feed, dress and clean everyone.
My husband is doing so much as well as working yet everything is still a tip?!

OMG totally!
I feel like it’s Groundhog Day every day!
I actually have a couple of jobs but they run from home so I’m more SAHM - every morning, get dressed , get toddler dressed, empty dishwasher, put washing on, put clothes away, Hoover up, make food
Repeat repeat repeat 🙈🙈
And then the next day it all needs doing again !

Having DH WFH is a killer in the mix. He knows when I've finally find the mojo to do something and then talks at me. Or I can't do stuff like vacuuming the local woods out of the hall carpet because of the work calls. And I can't just blare out some rock music and sing to motivate myself.
Too much time is also an issue. I do better when there's some time pressure.
Even better, visitors!

@BogRollBOGOF

Having DH WFH is a killer in the mix. He knows when I've finally find the mojo to do something and then talks at me. Or I can't do stuff like vacuuming the local woods out of the hall carpet because of the work calls. And I can't just blare out some rock music and sing to motivate myself. Too much time is also an issue. I do better when there's some time pressure. Even better, visitors!

Nailed it.

I know when I quit working to be a SAHM, I put so much pressure on myself. For the first month or so, the house had to be perfect, I cooked nutritious, home cooked meals every night, I even made some pack up lunches for dh. I was knackered, felt like a Stepford wife and had a quick sharp word with myself. Now it’s so much better and I don’t really do any more than I did when I worked part-time! The kids are fine, dh is fine, house is still standing and I’m (almost) sane.
You throw all of this Covid lark into the mix and goodness, I’m not surprised that you feel this way.
Don’t expect too much from yourself, make sure you have time for yourself (even if it’s only a little bit of time) everyday.
Now the kids are back at school hopefully things will settle down for you. Although I know that things won’t be completely back to normal here until dh is back in the office and not lurking around the house!!
I hope you start to feel better about things soon

You aren’t doing anything wrong! Pre COVID our house was spotless and organised, even with 2 full time working parents and 2 under 10s. We just enjoy sorting and cleaning.
However we are now in a midden!
It’s a combination of WFH for both of us and needing extra space for equipment and files etc, the children being at home ALL the time for a year and all of our activities being home based.
The place is a pit and every room feels lived in.

A couple of years ago I was a SAHM to one school aged child. As much as I enjoyed playing tennis, going to the gym, and meeting friends for coffee, i high tailed it back to work as soon as I could.
But I’d say that’s the exception.

Well I’m glad I’m not the only one! First lockdown I was working and it was hard but I felt like it was allowed to be hard because I was working and trying to get two teenagers to do schoolwork and looking after two preschoolers. This doesn’t feel any easier or less busy but I feel like it should!

Probably a combination of things that various responses have mentioned
Certain expectations of how the house should look with me as a sahm. I like to do everything well so if this is my job I want to do it properly!
Noticing things more because I’m here more.
The house being grubbier and more tired from a year of everyone being home all the time so doesn’t look as clean even when it is
Toddler having changed from a compliant baby in lockdown 1 to a human tornado.

Teenagers help clean up after dinner, take the bins out and do their own bedrooms. Anything extra sometimes doesn’t seem worth the grief!
Another difference from when I was a sahm when they were little is they used to go to bed! So they’d go to bed and I’d spend 10-15 minutes restoring order and it would still be clean in the morning. Now they’re up late and have snacks and drinks and I come down to plates and mugs everywhere and crumbs on the side and cushions/blankets strewn about and it feels like I’m behind before the day starts.