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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Guardianship of your children

56 replies

Pinktruffle · 11/04/2021 14:05

I apologise if this is a bit morbid. I've been thinking about who I would give guardianship of my child if something were to me and DH. The answer is a fairly easy one for me - my sister - and luckily DH wholeheartedly agrees (though I am yet to mention it to her seriously, in conversations in passing she has said she would have my LO).

My DH being in a very serious car accident (car vs truck - he miraculously escaped with minimal injuries) has really made me think about this and I've been looking at what I would need to do to legally have guardianship for my sister recognised. I was wondering if many of you had thought about this and if any of you had legally had the paperwork drawn up? How did you decide who it would be?

OP posts:

ShinyGreenElephant · 11/04/2021 14:53

Weve named my mum in our will but it really isn't ideal- she's 60 this year and our youngest is 6 weeks old. I have a sister I can't stand who I wouldnt trust to feed my fish, a stepsister who is amazing and my best friend but she has a vile abusive partner, then his sister is nice enough but lives miles away and smokes like a chimney including in the house with her kids so they're all out. My ideal person would be my best friend who is very like me and an amazing mum but has two young kids of her own so to ask he to take on another 3 seems a bit much when we have loads of family on both sides. I also think my mum would have a better chance of winning in court if DD1s dad went for custody of her in the event of my death - they don't have any contact any more but he is her dad. Ill just have to try my best not to die as its a bit of a mess!

Tangledtresses · 11/04/2021 14:55

I made a will stating who I would like to take over guardianship of my children... and they are two of my best friends. Not that would have to look after them but decide what's best for them if I go first.

Not that I didn't trust their dad were not married... I just wanted their interests take care of as they would inherit as quite a lot, and I wanted all my money houses to go straight to the boys, and there's a big age gap between my them . Partner absolutely understood.

Justcashnosweets · 11/04/2021 14:58

I think about this all the time. We have one daughter who is 7. Both mine and OH's sisters have 4 children each so it wouldn't be ideal for her to live with them. My Mum has always said she would take DD to live with her, but she is 66. I was thinking of asking my best friend and her wife if they would bring her up if needed but i just don't know. I feel like its something that should be sorted out and decided upon, because who knows what could happen.

bluebellscorner · 11/04/2021 15:00

I keep avoiding this myself. We don’t have any appealing options should we die and leave our DCs behind. My parents are dead, my husbands parents are 80+, my sister has health issues and could not care for them, my husband’s sister could in theory but she is just so relieved her own children have left for university so she can focus on her career and move in with her new man who also has older children. No way would she want to get dragged down with our much younger children

Brokenrecord3006 · 11/04/2021 15:07

Our friends would take our child and it's been discussed. So I hope our families would carry out our wishes.

Lots of people suggesting wills here. What do you do? Just write down who you want your children to go to? To get a will written up for one sentence stating that seems like a lot.

DarkMatterA2Z · 11/04/2021 15:14

Our DC would go to grandparents... I'm not over-the-moon at the thought of it as they're all getting on a bit but they're the only option. Luckily, savings, insurance and death-in-service payouts would provide sufficient funds to pay for a nanny until our DC was at an age where they would be more manageable for elderly guardians. I will also be trying my hardest not to die.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 11/04/2021 15:18

You need to get a will written up - you saying "I want them to go to x" has no legal meaning.

HoboSexualOnslow · 11/04/2021 15:50

Make sure you discuss it with her properly. My sister assumed I would do this and I have declined as I don't want children.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 11/04/2021 15:53

We put it in wills. Mum too old to have DS so our best friends will as they have a daughter a bit younger so I know he would be part of a family. But it's written in that Mum has an equal say about his future.

DDIJ · 11/04/2021 15:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

PresentingPercy · 11/04/2021 15:55

I believe it is best to leave any money to your children but left into a trust. If you leave it directly to relatives they can spend it. The trustees should give payments to the guardians. Some would be able to afford not to take it. Some would need it. But any residue should be for the children thenmselves.

1990shopefulftm · 11/04/2021 15:55

My mum and father in law are named as guardians in our joint will.

Ragwort · 11/04/2021 15:58

We updated our Will when we had our DS and asked my DSIL to be legal guardian, we put in the Will how she should receive financial support etc to raise our DS ... it can very expensive to raise another DC / family.

I am shocked by the number of people that don't have Wills ... it really is very important and sorting out admin/paperwork when you are bereaved is horrendous if someone hasn't got a Will (it's hard enough if they have made a Will).

I had solicitor friends who hadn't made Wills as they thought 'it was too sad to think about' .

Mintjulia · 11/04/2021 15:59

Single mum here. My will says DS will inherit my estate which, once the house is sold, will support him until adulthood and probably pay a house deposit.
It says until he is 21, the trustees, my brother and sis2, will manage the money to cover his living costs and education.

It says 'should my ex be unwilling or unable" to provide a home for DS, he will go to my sis1.

My ex wants to see DS occasionally but definitely wouldn't want him full time.

Hopefully I'll be around at least until he reaches 21 but if not, this is the best I can do.

onlyjustme · 11/04/2021 15:59

We did it in our will and named my best friend as the person to make the decision... at that time my parents were fine but who knows what state they will be in a few years later?
My best friend probably would not have my children but I know she would make the absolute best decision for them. They would come with significant funds too...

Lostlemuria · 11/04/2021 16:01

We had to do this when we moved abroad and we couldn’t name family as it was a visa requirement in the country we moved to that your child had to have a legal not family guardian appointed. The wills still stand even though we’re back in the UK now. The guardian is DH’s childless very wealthy friend. We know practically it won’t be suitable now as our child is autistic (he was a baby when will was made) but we hope this person will decide what’s best and also deal with the money situation. When our niece is 18, we will add her as a guardian for him and she is sensible and loves him and we need someone who is young and can continue to care for him as he ages. He has one trust set up already and we will be creating another ‘incapacity’ trust to look after his financial affairs once we’re gone. All the name people have agreed to take on this responsibility. Dying and leaving him is my biggest fear.

louisejxxx · 11/04/2021 16:03

@Happycat1212

I’m a lone parent with no one for my children to go to so they would go into care

I try not to think about it

Same here. It’s kept me awake at night on more than one occasion.

My parents are too old - it wouldn’t be feasible. I have good friends but I don’t know if any of them would be willing to take them on.

Mintjulia · 11/04/2021 16:05

I've also agreed to be guardian to the son of a friend who is also a single mum. Her son is a bit younger but that's fine, we'd cope somehow and I wouldn't want him to go into care which would be the other option.

SimonJT · 11/04/2021 16:06

Lone parent, a close friend is named as my desired guardian and my will states that my estate goes to him until my son turns 21.

I’m getting married soon so it will need to be changed after the marriage.

Springchickpea · 11/04/2021 16:07

My understanding is that guardianship is about deciding what is best for the children, not necessarily the person who will live with them (as things change all the time and nobody can predict when this might happen). So in our case we have gone for all of our siblings as guardians, to help mitigate against what is going on in peoples lives at that time. Ideally I would want someone to move into our house at the very least temporarily, and then handle the assets for the children, possibly selling this and buying another house in a more convenient location if needed. And school fees etc. This approach also guards against unsuitable spouses of the siblings and gives a bit more of a collective decision making approach.

But I hope not to die in the next decade and a half, at which point it becomes thankfully moot.

moochingtothepub · 11/04/2021 16:14

You can put it into your will and obviously the person (s) should know but ultimately social services can intervene if not appropriate (highly unlikely they would)

Mumblechum0 · 11/04/2021 16:15

I’m a willwriter and appointment of guardians is a standard clause.

I’m a bit concerned at a few pps saying that they’ve nominated guardians as beneficiaries of their death in service/life insurance. This is a bad idea, as potentially it goes to the guardians after the kids are 18, ie they get the benefit without looking after the kids.

Insurance etc it should go to the children on Trust, and the trustees of the Will can release money to the guardians on a regular basis so they’re not out of pocket.

Happycat1212 · 11/04/2021 16:15

*Same here. It’s kept me awake at night on more than one occasion.

My parents are too old - it wouldn’t be feasible. I have good friends but I don’t know if any of them would be willing to take them on.*

My issue is I have 4 so although I have people around, no one that would be willing/able to take on 4 children.

Pinkyxx · 11/04/2021 16:18

I nominated a guardian in my will, it was a standard part. All my assets however go to my DC and will be managed by executor until she is out of full time education / university etc.

justjuggling · 11/04/2021 16:29

I’m a lone parent so it was an important issue for me to get sorted. I discussed it with my sister (am close to her, and so are my DC) and she agreed to be their guardian if anything happens to me, and this is clearly stated in my will.

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