To not force dds friendships.

[malificent7]

My friend wants our dds to be friends still but dd has outgrown the friendship and has been upset by things said child has said to her in the past ( she would kill dd etc) Dd would rather go out with her school friends. My friends seems to have taken this personally and no doubt feels sad for her dd but i want dd to grow up not to be a people pleaser . It would be great if friends had kids who all get along but it very often dosn't work like this. Aibu to think kids can choose their own friends and adults shouldn't force it?

And please share similar stories.

I have no similar stories as don't have DC and my DM was very hands off with our friendships.
Her own mother told her when I was born(eldest) that she had seen adults fall out over children's squabbles and not speak for 20 years when the children had made up in a few days and ended up at each other's weddings.
Equally if there was a child you don't want your child associating with and you make a big deal of it they will almost definitely end up best pals.
Basically children need to make their own friendships and learn to negotiate boundaries/assertiveness for themselves.
You should support them with that but you can't do it for them.
Your DD is showing signs of good boundaries if she is choosing to avoid someone who was mean to her, I would encourage that.

How old is your DD?

I have DS(6) and my friend, who I met at a baby group when they were a few months old, had a DS and they grew up together but at age 3 he became quite nasty to my DS. My friend rarely intervened or disciplined her DS for his behaviour (constant biting, hitting, slapping, spitting, pushing, snatching toys, trying to push off high play equipment at the park) that both DS and I have had to back off and walk away from their friendship. Then they moved away so that solved having to make excuses to see them, however DS actively says he never wants to see him again because “he was horrible to me.” (her DS still demonstrates these behaviours now).

I know this is slightly different from your experience but friendships should never be forced and you are well within your rights to not force your DD to be friends. I have a few other mums that I’m friendly with but we know our DC are not friends for various reasons so we meet up for coffee/drinks/meals (obviously mostly pre-Covid) separately from our DC.

YANBU, your priority is your dd.

My DD was best friends with my friend's dd from birth (well, they were together a lot from birth!). Then, in late primary school this other girl started being pretty mean to my DD as she was jealous of her friendships with others. It was so awkward as I was friends with the mum but I had to let them drift as my DD was getting so upset. They ended up at different high schools due to the stress and my relationship with the mum, although still there, is not as close. She never believed that her DD had been mean and blamed mine for the friendship going wrong. However, I would much rather my DD not be forced to be friendly with a child who wasn't nice to her and was happy to suffer the loss of a close friend in those circumstances.

I think it's quite common for parents to want their children to be friends with the children of their friends. Let's face it, it's convenient for meet ups. But that just isn't the way of the world, and it's perfectly possible and fine for you to remain friends with the adults when your children grow apart. I met one of my best friends at a local playgroup when our children were toddlers, but over the primary school years they became very different people at different schools. Now I meet my friend for evenings out and dog walks without the children and it's much better.

I think it depends on the context, my friend has a daughter a year older than my dd and I would expect when they see one another for them to be friendly and play etc but they wouldnt see each really more than 4 to 6 times a year so I guess it's like seeing extended family and being friendly for that period of time even if youre not bffs. However if it was a friend we lived local to and it was likely to be more regular contact then I am inclined to agree with you, it would feel quite forced and you and the mum can still have your own separate adult friendship. I think as PP said children need to learn boundaries and how to assert them etc on their own terms, we never had family friends growing up but we had lots of extended family and cousins all of which as individuals we are more or less friendly with given the context of age, likes, similarities etc. Whenever we were all together the kids were basically just left to it and we would negotiate our own squabbles/pecking orders etc but there was like 10 of us so not a comparable situation to 2 children one on one.

I think it depends. If these are friends who live miles away, whom you see as a family once a year, then I'd expect your dd to hang around and make nice with your friend's daughter when they visit.

If it's a local friend who you see regularly, then no need to involve the children.

My closest friend has a son roughly the same age as DS. They used to be friends but they have grown apart and DS can't wait to get away from him, says he's boring and aggressive, insists on showing videos with swearing etc.

It is normal, kids develop different interests at different times.

One of my charges had this. Both parents were friends. Other child thought it funny to throw stones at him and bully him.

The Mother of the child stopped me while I was with my charge and asked why charge wouldnt play with her child.

Before I could come up with a diplomatic answer my charge just came out with
' Because I dont like him '
There might have been a better way to say it. But at 8 I'm glad he stood up for himself.

4 years later the two children do speak if they see each other, but are by no means friends.