To ask how to make friends as an adult?

[EatTheRich]

I moved to a new city 3 years ago and made some lovely friends in the village we live in, I also joined a ladies only group that has a male equivalent, I made some friends there and had a great 2 years. I had a massive psychological breakdown in 2019/2020 and I was asked to step down as one of the main leaders of the group, however I was still allowed to go, they just didn't think I was a good leader as I was pretty sick at the time.

Long story short I decided to leave the group because I got ignored by them I mean we went from speaking every day to never speaking at all overnight because my husband fell out with theirs (typically that was sorted within hours but they ignored me for months) so I've decided to leave, I've also quit my job because I work with one of them, but that's more of a situational thing as I found a job I love so much.

I just feel so lonely now, I have 3 friends I speak to on a daily (ish) basis but they live on the other side of the country and we can't meet up that regularly. So how do you meet people without joining mummy/ baby groups? I'm trying for a baby but it's not happening so far so that's out!

Should I just join every and all club that is open after lockdown? I miss going to church because of the community and fellowship but the church locally is full of 80 year olds. We met our friends in the village through the pub but really shouldn't go there every day!!

I don't know the details of the group you fell out with but it sounds horrendous and cliquey so you're best out of there. You say you found a job your I've, are there not friends to be found there?

I found it hard to make friends between uni and kids. It's a weird time. I guess if you have a hobby or you can find a new interest that's the key. What do you like doing? Is there anything you are interested in learning? What about your partner what are his interests?

I’m sorry you had such a bad experience with that friendship group.

I think it does get harder to meet and make new friends as you get older. Like you most of my friends are spread out over the country, we meet at school/university and as people have settled down they’ve moved to different cities etc to do so. It’s not possible to pop out for a quick coffee with them like it used to be!

I think clubs/shared interests is a really helpful step though. Not just baby groups, but things like choir/walking groups/exercise classes etc - you already have one thing in common and the fact you see them every week or whatever means you can start to build a rapport (or establish that maybe someone is nice but you’re not quite on the same wavelength etc). I know it’s harder in covid times but hopefully when things start opening up that’ll help.

A support group for people with depression or similar might be a good place to start (apologies if that’s not the cause of your breakdown). Your GP or other mental health support professional should be able to put you in touch with local support groups.

Find a new church with a more mixed age profile?

You can strike lucky with groups but you may have to try a few before you find one that leads to friendships. Walking groups, book groups and knit and natter type groups seem to work well for chat.

Volunteering on a regular basis (charity shop, food-bank, social group for old people or children with disabilities) also good for building relationships with fellow volunteers.

@HeddaGarbled that's a very good idea! You know I think I'm going to join some groups that I'd love to try just for me. Maybe rugby and fencing. I just want to live a nice life and have friends. My weight has held me back I will admit but I've lost 1 stone since feb 28th and it's had such a massive impact on my confidence I feel great now.

@Sparklesocks a choir is something I'd love to join! I think this fall out has really rocked me but once my notice is up I won't ever have to see them again unless DH goes to any events with partners, but if I feel better in myself and continue losing weight I will enjoy it more. I'm nervous about seeing her this week in work but needs must.

I just don't know when to tell my colleagues I'm leaving. I like my job and my colleagues are lovely, we have a good laugh but working with her is awful. Tbh even though we spoke every day in the group chat she mainly ignored me at work which was weird but whatever, however now I've been ditched officially it'll be difficult but it's only for 2 more weeks.

How did your dh end up falling out with your social group? I hope he hasn't a tendency to fall out with people and cause difficulties for your friendships. Only a thought as l have seen women suffer in groups when they have a trouble making partner whom others want to avoid. The fall out affects their partner.